Have any members on this board, ever broken up with someone they really cared for?

I've broken up (for good this time) with my Girlfriend of almost 4 years and it's killing me.

They say each day it gets easier, but for me, each day it gets worse. I feel like shit.

I'm starting to imagine her fucking other guys etc and that is really driving me nuts.

Any advice? (Preferably real advice)

Whisper, It's never easy to end a long-term relationship. It's difficult and heart-breaking.

But I firmly believe in the saying that God doesn't close a door unless somewhere else he's opened a window.

What now may seem impossible to get over may open up new doors for you. You now have the freedom to explore new experiences and meet new people that never would have happened if you hadn't taken this step.

My advice to you would be to get out there. Meet new people. Do new things. Don't wallow in your misery. That's the worst thing you can do.

Of course we've all had our hearts broken at one point in our lives. The pain is very real. And, yes, it will get better. It's just that sometimes it has to get worse first.

Whisper, Take SB's advice. And stop torturing yourself with what you think she is doing and who she is doing it with. You will drive yourself crazy doing that.

Now you have a chance to start your life over. Start dating other people. And if it's meant to be maybe you and this girl will get back together. Best of luck.

Bear with me, here.

Human thought is transient. Never forget this. If you can't place or grasp the present (and you can't, because the present moment only exists in that ever-changing, constantly-shifting divide between the moment before it and the moment after it), then how can you ever hold a thought, feeling or perception eternally?

Human thought is fragile and fickle, and easily punished by itself: it's quite easy to convince yourself anything, or talk yourself into believing anything. Statements like "I will always love you" and "Always and forever" are very romantic, but romanticism is an ideal; we live in fear of the moment, and naturalise ourselves into feelings of "ever after" (think of fairytales taught to kids).

It's a cynical outlook to some but for me it's the key to one's own self-understanding and happiness. It doesn't mean you can't love, or desire or lust after someone. Those are all natural instincts and you'd be a sucker (or religious) to suppress them; but alongside that, don't fool yourself it'll last forever and ever. It may, but that's merely coincidence. I don't believe in fate.

So: yeah, you'll get over this. Time heals stuff without us having to be aware of it; rebounds help, too, as long as you're honest about them (and with yourself: again, it's not going to last). To expect too much from things is to live in hope; and hope is constructed cushion: to have hope is to acknowledge its necessity - it's a veneer upon reality.

Sayings like "it wasn't meant to be" are silly but true in allegory:

If your girl was the greatest girl in the world (to you, to your subjective individual world) you'd be with her still. If she isn't or wasn't, then there's little point in being with her; too many people stay together out of fear of spending time within their own minds. Re: fucking other guys, there's nothing stopping you from fucking other girls.

And the fact it's even about "fucking" is telling. Bodies are bodies; flesh is flesh. Technique in bed differs from person to person, I'll agree, but it's not all that important. Physicality binds people in the first place because we all have it; it's not unique to your girl.

As for emotional and intellectual connections; it's these that grind the brain most. Memory's vulgar, but returning to something is also a vulgarity. Living "in the past" puts tremendous pressure on the future; the key is to be at one with your current state of being. Basic breathing excersises help with this; walking long distances, too. The clarity of vision at dawn is profound indeed.

Don't hide from the fact you're feeling hurt; don't hide from the fact that it'll pass. Don't be afraid to "let it out". We're all human; we're all concepts of flesh limited by thought.

Don't limit yourself by thought.

There is nothing coincidental about relationships lasting forever. It's called work. Relationships, marriages, whatever your commitment is to another human being, requires WORK.

While the romantic nature of fairy tales does eventually fall by the way side as "real life" intervenes (jobs, bills, kids), the true test of love is if you still feel passion for one another IN SPITE of the loss of the fairy tale. And not necessarily physical passion, although I believe that's critical, but passion for the life you lead together.

I do agree with Capo's advice to let yourself experience the pain and let it out in a healthy way, Whisper. Take those long walks. Don't be afraid to grieve. And don't dwell on the past.

Breaking up is extremely tough. Before I met my wife, I was seeing someone for 2 ½ years. We had broken up temporarily a couple of times during that period. I finally ended it and then started to regret it. I felt terrible for months. But the best thing you can do is talk about it. Doesn’t matter if it’s your friends, family, a professional counselor, whomever. The key is getting your feelings out and having someone be able to listen to you. Like SB said, don't be afraid to grieve. It's healthy and healing.

Let me tell you from experience: you’re only making it harder on yourself if you still see the person you broke up with. Don’t trick yourself with the “let’s be friends b.s.” If you weren’t friends before you dated, there is no reason to be friends afterward. That bridge was irrevocably crossed and the friendship will NEVER be the same as it was after dating. I’m not saying be a jerk to that person, but I strongly advocate cutting off all contact. It sounds simple, but out-of-sight, out-of-mind will eventually help.

There is going to be a period where it seems like nothing goes right. For awhile, you’ll always get caught at a red light, miss the bus, something you like will break, constantly getting caught in a downpour, etc. It seems like nothing will go in your favor. But THAT EVENTUALLY ENDS! One day, your mind will finally say “Enough wallowing. I’m ready to move on.”

Don't make things worse by envisioning her with someone else - you'll drive yourself nuts. In addition, it's unnecessary because you're wasting your time on something that you can't control and will not make you feel any better. There's no upside in that kind of thinking.

It’s not an easy road, but many of us have been there. Hang in there – it will get better, as hard as that might be to believe right now.

Join a church, whisper.

Very nicely said, goombah.

It may not seem possible now, whisper, but in time you'll forget the pain and move on. In the meantime, just try to live your life as normally as possible.

I've been through those downpours! They're not pleasant, and I'm usually a fan of rain. They can be quite refreshing, too, though. Weather, fine or horrid, can really liberate you if you actively become aware of it (it isn't just something to start a conversation with!). Like I said, walking over long distances on your own (with an MP3 player or without one) is very effective. Depends what time, too, what effect you get: through a city during rush-hour, during lunch-hour, at dawn or late at night.

Also: art is the ultimate refuge. Read a lot, watch a lot of films, and I know you write lyrics, too; delve and delve deep. There's an ocean of stuff to drown in. Start with something to which you'll relate (a story or film or song about tainted love, for instance), then move back into that gangsa shit you like.

Also; listen to Dylan. A modern romantic with political cynicism and a wealth of rich material. He'll change your life.

Listen to "Dirge", "Isis", "Sara", "Simple Twist of Fate", "Idiot Wind", "Forever Young", "The Wedding Song", "Lovesick", "To Ramona", "Too Many Mornings", "Delia", "The Man in the Long Black Coat", "When the Ship Comes In".

Listen to these albums: Freewheelin' (1963), The Times They Are a-Changin' (1963), Another Side (1964), Planet Waves (1974), Blood on the Tracks (1975), Desire (1976).

Do it. I may even upload some for you.

I guess the one thing I forgot to mention is don't make the mistake thinking that "nobody knows how I am feeling." It's true, nobody knows exactly what you are going through, but many of us have walked in those shoes before. Use the resources around you to your advantage. Like Capo said, use the things that you enjoy as a refuge for the short term. But if you see a movie or hear a song that is a sad reminder, don't wallow - turn it off!

Hey thanks for the advice guys, I appreciate it.

The thing is, I think I have a slight case of O.C.D because these thoughts bombard my train of thought. I try not to think about it, But it won't stop.

Also because she and I were pretty crazy, I know what she's like in bed( or out of it) and she has the power to really have guys chasing her.

I know I shouldn't dwell on something I can't change, But i really can't help it. I don't want to get trapped by my thought, But damn these thoughts are so detailed. I'm having them right now. Things like her groaning in pleasure while some other guy gives it to her etc etc. Trust me, very graphic thoughts and it's making me physically ill.

I have writers block and I'm not even happy that my C.D will be released this year. You see, she was with me every step of the way and now....she's gone.

Also I know you guys said "Don't be afraid to mourn and move on" But the concept of moving on depresses the hell out of me. The fact we'll grow old traveling different paths and then dying not knowing each other.

If I may...

How/why did you break up? Was it a mutual thing?

Whisper, it's normal to be sad about that NOW. Don't think it's not. However, you must learn to deal with those thoughts. And the best way to deal with them is to get AWAY from them. Don't dwell on them. If you find yourself having them, get up, go out, clean out your closet, do some physical work, go for that walk.

I promise, it will get easier.

It takes about a year but you will get over it. You'll remember, but it won't hurt anymore.

We weren't hanging out as much as we used to. We used to live together for two years, but I had to leave that place and she moved back in with her Mom.

Plus, I've been working on my debut album (Under ground conscious hip hop, not Gangster shit :p). An album is hard work and takes up a lot of your time. She said to me, that she was starting to feel like I was putting her second (which I was) and that she wanted to spend more time together doing real stuff, not just sexual etc. I was for it, but i kept finding myself getting busier and busier and then I get locked up for 2 and half weeks, on top of that.

So, I was telling her to stay patient, let me finish this music shit and we'll get back to where we were. Now, she would break down crying saying " you don't love me like you did" and i would assure her I did(which I did), but we were only seeing each other about twice a week as opposed to every minute.

One day, we had a massive fight over the phone. I went out and when I returned home drunk, I walked to her house and banged on her window. She opened it and I said" You don't wanna be with me anymore do you etc etc blah blah. She replied" this isn't even a relationship anymore etc etc..you've let me down and hurt me too much and I'm not going to rely on you to keep me happy anymore"

That's basically it.

A year!!!????


I'm fucked.

That's a normal reaction. Which is why I said it's better to have a clean break from each other with no further contact. I'm not sure, but this may have been your first true love. Even if it was not, the feeling of the divurging paths you describe will fade in time.

I also recommend removing reminders of her from work, home, etc. If you can't bear to permanently part with photographs, videos, music, or other reminders, then at least box them up and put them away. Nothing's worse than trying to move on and seeing a photograph every time you walk into a room. I waited too long to do that, but once I did, it was a help.


How long it takes is up to you. It took me about 4 months, not a year. I'm not talking about 100% recovery in 4 months, but well on the way. Put it this way: I wasn't feeling that pit in my stomach, the loss of appetite, and constant depression for more than 2 months.

Yeah, I better delete her from my computer contacts. I'll try that, see how it goes. I wanna move on, but don't at the same time.

In Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged, the heroine loses her first love. Ayn Rand summed up getting past heartbreak in the best way I know:

"She fought it. She recovered. Years helped her reach the day when she could face her emotions indifferently, then the day when she felt no necessity to face them. It was finished..."

That is the best way to describe it. Time IS the great healer.

haha, well, yea, sorta. But it lessens -- so not intensely f**ked for the WHOLE year!

If you find someone new before then, then you'll feel a lot better!

It will not be easy. Whatever you do stay away from her. Don't even think about pulling off some stunt to revive it. First you have to do what Alcoholics do. ADMIT IT IS OVER. Work thgouth the denial. Slowly, toher things will be coming through your mind and taking your time. Soner than you think you'll go a hour, two hours, a half day and even a full day without thinking about her, and when that hapens you are on the road back.

Also stay away from any "rebound relationship."

For me when i finish with a girl i go out get drunk pick up another girl get a shower in the morning and im happy again


But seriously mate things will get better im sure

Drink himself into oblivion?

Seriously, hang in there Whisper, time heals.

My advice.

Re-think why the thought of her having sex with someone else is really bothering you. When you figure that out it will make everything make a lot more sense, and you'll realize that there is someone better for you out there.

It's the fact that she would be "getting off" with someone else. That though kills me to my very soul. I know flesh is flesh, but for her to do that....I don't know..it slays me.

That's the worst thing you can possibly dwell on, Whisper.

Get out and do something. Anything positive. Read a book, join a gym, but don't go out drinking ot anything like that.

Then, when the time is right, go meet someone.

And there is a reason why it slays you. Others may disagree with me here but if you really loved this girl you wouldn't be so concerned with her having sex with someone else. I know its not what you want to hear but the fact that sex is such a big deal to you probably means that that was a main reason why you were with her, as opposed to being with her for who she was.

Well put, DMC.

Her sharing her feelings with someone else would be much more devastating to me, if I were in his shoes.