As my father once said to me before the mediocrity of the Mid-life Crisis claimed him, "There are only two types of Bad in this world. Bad BAD, and so BAD, its Good!"

Anyway, this does apply to the art itself of Bad Films. For every BATTLEFIELD EARTH, BATMAN & ROBIN, GIGLI, and other turkeys that define badness as much as CITIZEN KANE and PULP FICTION do for good quality, there are a few rare gems where the films themselves are absolutely quite sub-par and even quite terrible. Yet they themselves are such to where if seen in a different light, they are good...of sorts.

The internet itself has a whole sub-culture now to the celebration and (rightful) trashing of bad films. AGONY BOOTH, BADMOVIES.ORG, etc., are just a taste sample to explore. Now here is a small handful of quite glorius turkeys that I still dig as movies in a good way, in Part One of our series.....

COMMANDO (1985)

Basic action yarn from the Ahhnuld decade where the future (lousy) Governor of California is a retired U.S. Special Forces hero who goes vigilante on some evil military Latin American baddies when they kidnap his daughter(a very young Alyssa Milano...and quit those thoughts, you pervert!). I mean, if you've seen a film with the Austrian Oak from the 80's, you know what to expect. His amazing strength being able to do some rather incredible silly shit, one-liners used after he kills or maims someone, and of course kill everyone without ever getting a scratch(or as I call it, the Rambo Rule).

It is quite silly and goofy, but its really a fucking masterpiece of "Bad but Good!" standards. Why?

This is absolutely the cheesiest of Ahhnuld's pictures in terms of his action, one-liners, kills, you name it. Yet as well, the many fucking batshit stuff that just defies logic like:

*A damaged sports car that once flipped back from its side, its now fixed!
*"I eat Green Berets for Breakfast, and now I'm very hungry!"
*Seeing the launch pads themselves that send random generic stereotypical Latin American military soldier flying into the air after Ahhnuld blows them up.
*Falling hundreds of feet from an airplane tire-gear to a swamp...and landing like he just jumped into a pool.

So yes, enjoy this cheesy bad 80's action garbage classic, and remember that this was back when the idea of him as Governor of an American state was a fun idea. *cough*

BTW, did I mention that the villain of this movie looks like Freddie Mercury with steroids? I mean, someone at UC at Berkley could write a whole legit film analytical paper of how homosexual this film is.

FLASH GORDON (1980)

Okay, that same writer at Berkley should write up this cult movie classic as well. :p

Okay, here is the lowdown. After George Lucas made the entire GDP of Nicaragua with STAR WARS, infamous Italian film producer Dino DeLaurentiis proceeded to produce his cash-in to the immediate Hollywood sci-fi craze. Unfortunately, he had the rights to the legendary 1930s comic strip FLASH GORDON.

Why "unfortunately"? Oh I don't know...maybe its just how ole Dino decided to camp up this whole fucking movie to such a high degree, that I wondered where Roger Moore was. I mean, now "Flash" Gordon is the star MVP Quarterback of the New York Jets(wait, the Jets have a star MVP Quarterback after Namath? Now that's fiction!) who instead acts like he looks: Dumb blondish punk that is obviously dubbed over...badly. I mean, he takes out the troops of the damn Emperor himself with the use of a football-shaped ornament!

Yes, so much hate...but I love this goofier-than-hell picture. Maybe its Max Von Sydow doing his silliest as the baddie Emperor Ming in great caucasian/Asian racist makeup, or Timothy Dalton having to act straight next to Brian Blessed, or a football hero actually kicking ass.

Perhaps as well its the film's soundtrack, which was composed by the legendary rock band QUEEN. I mean, for a film where the opening credits music is such that its almost quotable. Excuse me:

"Flash....AHHH! Savior of the Universe! Master of the Impossible! He'll save every one of us!"

Sorry folks. Sadly, FLASH GORDON is now being (seriously) adapted to the big screen by Stephen Sommers, the same dude who gave the world THE MUMMY RETURNS and VAN HELSING. Look, I think we can agree that I rather have a bad but good FLASH GORDON than an all-right shitty movie, which I'm sure Sommers will competently deliver. Whoa, 2nd Freddie Mercury reference in this review already. Let's go for three!!!!

REMO WILLIAMS: THE ADVENTURE BEGINS (1985)

Okay, #3...I'll try my best.

Most never even heard of this picture, and I don't blame them. Basically there is a popular long-running series of pulp action novels that is THE DESTROYER, where a typical tough bastard white man becomes a master warrior under Chuin, the world's greatest assasin. Anyway, then some producers in the 80s tried to create a franchise with these books, as stated in the title. Note that the film's failure at the box-office killed a franchise before it began.

What is so humorous is how Fred Ward is taught to dodge bullets and "float walk", which amounts to him ACTING like he is dodging bullets and basically walking over the surface with the help of a crane. Wow. Anyway, as well one can get good laughs from the Korean master that trains Ward, who not only insults every nationality and fringe group there is("Women should stay home and make babies. Preferably man child."), but as well is perhaps the last holder of a grand tradition in Hollywood.

That is, white folks playing Oriental characters..with the help of lots of make-up.

Anyway, this is a B-garbage action movie, but like COMMANDO, its a great hoot to watch if one is with his buddies....and wasted.

Well, the all-time acknowledged Bad Movie is "Plan Nine from Outer Space" by the inimitable Ed Wood, Jr. But my favorite Bad Movie is "The Conqueror" with John Wayne and Susan Hayward (1956). Imagine: The Duke as Genghis Khan, eyebrows tweezed, Oriential Bishop's miter on his head, but still, leeringly, The Duke.
In an unforgettable scene, the Duke and his hordes (buzzing with flies and dripping yak fat) have ambushed a Tatar caravan and captured Bortai (Hayward), the daughter of Kumlek, leader of the Tatars. Hayward, doing her best imitation of an outraged noblewoman (and trying to keep a straight face) sneers, "...and how does the leader of the MON-gols [practically spitting that word] intend to keep a daughter of KUM-lek in the style she is accustomed to?" Without missing a beat, The Duke replies, leeringly, "By day, the pelts of my sheep shall keep thee warm...and by night, the heat of my body shall protect thee from the des-urt winds..." I fell right off my seat laughing when I saw that scene in 1956.

My vote is for 'Exorcist II; The Heretic'. Except of course for GFII, sequels are never equal to the original but this bomb was clearly thrown together to capitalize on the success of 'The Exorcist'. The post-pubescent Linda Blair proved to have absolutely no talent as an actress and Oscar winner Louise Fletcher was probably cast only due to her resemblence to Ellen Burstyn who wisely did not appear. Poor Richard Burton must've REALLY needed the money to agree to star in such a horribly written, dreadfully directed piece of crap.

But speaking of 'The Conquerer', I heard once that the area in which much of the movie was filmed was contaminated due to nuclear testing. After location shooting was completed, dirt from the location was transported back to Hollywood in order to match the interior shots. Many of the cast & crew, including co-stars Wayne & Hayward, Agnes Moorehead and director Dick Powell...developed various forms of cancer years later and there was speculation that these illnesses (all terminal) might've been in part due to filming on location for 'The Conquerer'.

Apple

THE CONQUEROR! Man, I need to find that movie someday, somewhere, somehow. I mean, John Wayne as Genghis Kahn. That enough makes me want to rent it.

Poor PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE. I mean, its not the worst film of all time for sure. Yes its badly acted, its about as logical as Ann Coulter's writings, and ya Ed Wood was a hack filmmaker. However, it is so silly and goofy, that whole sequence alone with the people being knocked down by what is supposed to be light from a fast UFO but instead is probably some recycled big lamp.

Oh God, Apple....THE EXORCIST 2. Wow, you do have ice cold water running in your veins. Much more stronger than me!

For Ed Wood aficianados (?), the "ultimate" would have to be Glen or Glenda?

Then there are others, like Reefer Madness, Bride of the Monster (Ed Wood again!), Monstrosity (aka The Atomic Brain) - I could go on and on, but I won't.

Two films, though, are worthy of special mention:

Beast of Yucca Flats - Tor Johnson's cinematic swan song. This one was so bad it was...well, just awful. Sitting through this one almost cost me my marriage.

Then, there was Lights of New York. This 1928 gangster film was the first all-talking feature, but - believe me - that fact doesn't save it. Unfortunately, it is almost laughable by today's standards. I find it hard to believe that audiences of 1928 didn't think it was pretty unbelievable. Memorable line: "Take him...for a ride." This may have been where this time-honored cliche originated. Watch for it on TCM.

Then, too, there was Revenge of the Virgins...

Signor V.

As far as I know that's true. In fact, according to IMDB.com Howard Hughes (who produced the film) felt so guilty about it that he bought all existing copies of the film. From IMDB:

Eccentric billionaire Howard Hughes provided the financial backing for this film and later paid an extra $12 million (estimated) for every existing print of it from a sense of guilt - it was he who paid for the shipping of 60 tons of radioactive dirt to Hollywood for retakes (see above). He kept a jealous hold on the film, not even allowing it to be seen on television, for 17 years until 1974, when Paramount managed to secure the rights to reissue it.

Yes, that's true. It was filmed in Utah, directly downwind from the Nevada Test Site, where hundreds of A-bomb tests were held at the time. Almost 50 percent of the cast subsequently developed cancers. The normal incidence of cancer would have been about 15 percent. To be fair: Wayne and Hayward were heavy smokers. Wayne used to do ads for Camel cigarettes, with his picture and a caption, "I'd walk a mile for a Camel."

Night Train to Munde Fine, better know to Myster Science Theater 3000 fans as Red Zone Cuba. Man what a great, great film.