Over the weekend, I received a notecard in the mail, announcing that it was a couple's silver anniversary in April. I thought it was an invitation to their party. As I read the text, though, I realized that it was a note from their daughter, saying that it was the couple's "dream" to go to a bed and breakfast, and that she was soliciting "monetary contributions" to make this dream come true. If we wanted to be a part of the "joyous occasion", send a check made out to the daughter and our name would be added to the gift card.

I found this to be extremely rude and absent of good manners. Is it just me, or does anyone else think so? I could understand if it were an invitation to a party, and mention was made of a large gift for the couple that you might want to contribut to, but there was no invitation, just an outright solicitation for funds.

I should add that this is a family member, not just a passing acquaintance. Am I being over-sensitive, or does anything truly go these days?

Sicilian Babe,

You're SO not being oversensitive and it's gotta be one of the rudest things I've ever heard of in my whole life.

You're right, if the not came WITH a party invitation and donations were requested in lieu of gifts, that would be perfectly nice. Depending on location, a weekend at a B&B is on average around $145/night. So figure a 3-day weekend were arranged, it would come to around $500 with tax. Unless there's a misunderstanding somewhere, the daughter is either unable or too cheap to afford to treat them to the weekend, which actually would come out to far less than throwing a party.

Which she's apparently not throwing either!!

Since as you say it is a relative, you'll probably want to give a call and make sure she's asking what you think. If yes, then I'm not telling you how to handle, but sure can't wait to find out what you decided to do!!

Apple

ps - Just curious to know how old is the daughter? It's possible she just doesn't posess enough knowledge of social etiquette to understand how these things are done. But still, youth would be little-to-no excuse.

Apple,
The daughter is 23 years old, recently graduated from college and working for the first time. She should definitely have known better. However, this particular branch of the family usually has its hand out, so I shouldn't have been so taken aback when I got this request. :rolleyes:

My husband wanted to send $25, which he felt was a way of saying that he was giving in to the extortion, but not to the point where they were worth anything of substance. He also felt that, since it was a silver anniversary, $1 per year was fitting. Personally, I feel that it's not even worth responding to, and want to throw it away. We'll see which one of us prevails.

I'm glad that there is someone else out there who agrees that this was rude. I would put this up there with the latest "screw you" to people as "destination weddings", where the people being married expect you to fly off to some exotic destination at your own expense, just to witness their "joyous occasion".

Great idea Mr. Babe has !!

I'd say forget about the $1 per year of marriage and send a check for $10.00 with the request note attached.

Before I did that, I'd call the daughter and find out exactly which B&B had been chosen and for what dates, for this celebration, and make the check out to that Inn, with the couple's name as a reference. If she replies she hadn't chosen one yet, tell her to let you know when she does and then you'd be happy to make a contribution.

That way, although I'm sure the daugter doesn't plan to keep any of the money made out to HER name, this is your way of sticking it to her and yet she can't say you didn't contribute to the celebration. She'll HAVE to include your name on the giftcard !

I know I said I wouldn't tell you what to do...but that $25 idea got me to thinking, so I couldn't resist adding my suggestions!!!

Keep us informed!!

Apple

Well Mr. Babe is right, and you are wrong in wanting to ignore it. You should send something. But not $25, no way.

I would send .25 cents! Then she'll get the message.

What a pair of balls this one has, asking people to pay for her parents trip to a Bed & Breakfast, without throwing a party or something. Real nerve if you ask me. :rolleyes:


Don Cardi

I saw that age was brought up.. I'm only 19 and I can tell that that's completely rude. :rolleyes:

Bogey, I'll never forget when I thought it would be a great idea to throw my mother a "surprise" Tupperware party at our house for her birthday. I was all of 8 years old, and thought that anything that had the word party in it must be fun. I even went so far as to contact a Tupperware representative. Can you imagine my poor mother walking in on that?

From what I understand from the family scuttlebutt, the daughter has sent a number of these out, even one to an elderly aunt who lives on a very limited income. Honestly, I don't know what she was thinking. Except that she has seen from the her parents' example that if you can't afford it, you just expect that other people will pay for it.

Apple, she did include the name of the B&B and I looked it up on the web, but something else occurred to me. What if I send the money and she doesn't raise enough? What happens to the money then?

It seems her line of thought might be to raise as much as she can and then put in the remainder herself. Even a plan like THAT would be at least halfway reasonable if she would just explain it in the letter.

Really, if she means well and is generally known as a nice person who really wants to do something nice for her parents...somebody close ought to explain to her how things like this are done. Maybe another family member could suggest a few things that could save this whole mess from becoming a big family joke.

Apple

You're not oversensitive, SB... I agree with all of you, it's totally rude! Wow, I've never heard anything like that before!

Haha it'd be funny if you sent a gift instead. Like something silver for the house from Tiffany, or something nice like that. That way you're acknowledging that you got the note, and you're helping celebrate their silver anniversary, but your own way, not like a charity contribution. Actually I started that out as a joke, but the more I think about it, I think that's what I'd do.

Zia, I thought about that, but honestly, I am so not motivated to send them anything. They've never acknowledged my birthday or anniversary. Why should I pretend to care about theirs? As my husband says, these folks are from the shallow end of the gene pool.

Apple, she is a basically okay girl, albeit a bit thoughtless. As I've said, she's had such a horrible example all her life, I'm amazed that she's as decent as she is, as if she were raised by wolves and somehow turned out okay. My mother-in-law did speak to her and tried to explain that it was ill-mannered, and she just didn't get it. She said that she had been advised by the pastor of her church and his wife, who thought it was just fine. Perhaps they're just used to asking for donations.

Oh, that partially explains it. When people involve churches then donations or expected donations abound, and they do seem to think it's allright whatever the situation.

I remember when I used to belong to several e-lists for adoptive parents, I would sometimes read stories about people who wanted to raise funds for their international adoption and approached their church community about organizing 'fundraisers' or 'donations' to help raise $$$ for the fees and expenses. Some people even thought it was ok to solicit donations via the web, not by selling any homemade items (which many people do and I think is a wonderful way to raise funds), but just asking other people for money!!

I suppose the thinking was that you're doing such a wonderful thing, why wouldn't people want to help chip in any way they can. Personally, I found it appalling.

Anyway, back to this girl...sounds rather hopeless, I guess she really thinks this is ok, that everyone would be delighted to assist and doesn't see why people would be put off by such a thing.

Even still...I probably wouldn't blatantly send a gift when she specifically asked for donations. I'd either send some really small amount of $10-20 ($25 is too much) just to be polite & wish them well...or ignore the letter completely.

Apple

Well SB she is either extremely rude, or extremely brazen.

But if I were you SB I wouldn't send a dime, yeah she says it's for her parents to spend a weekend at a B&B. But yet how can you be totally 100% sure it's for that. Heck this gal just may be pulling a scam.

I've heard other tales of people being the victims of scams pulled by family members.

Now don't think I'm actually saying anyone in your family would pull a scam, cause I'm not so I apologize in advance if you took it as such.

It does take quite a bit of gall, but is it any worse than an engaged couple who sign up for a bridal registry (is that what it's called?) at a particular department store?

Isn't that nothing more than an outright solicitation for a particular gift as well?

Of course, at least in those cases though, you're usually invited to a wedding at least.

But still.....

Now, what would I do in this case?

Well, if I liked the anniversary couple and they meant something to me, I would overlook the daughter's faux pas and make a suitable contribution of maybe $25 or $50 - the amount I might normally spend on a gift for this type of occasion, party or not.

I wouldn't consider it extortion since I don't necessarily think that there has to be a party to justify the giving of a gift.

I might even think to myself how nice it was for the daughter to be trying to making her parents 25th anniversary so special and memorable, and I might even have been insulted to some degreee if I hadn't been asked to contribute or reminded that this anniversary was a special one.

But.....if I didn't like the daughter or the celebrants, then fuck 'em all. I wouldn't send a dime.

Plaw, I think that's funny that you mention bridal registries. When I was getting married, I registered at Macy's, and my mother thought it was tactless and refused to mention it in the invitation to my shower or anything. Personally, I think it's okay. I mean, if you're invited to a shower or wedding, and you want to know what size sheets the couple needs, or what color their bathroom is going to be so you can buy towels, or what their china pattern is, you can just go to the store and ask for the list. It doesn't even mean that you have to buy it at that store. But that's just me.

Iceman, you certainly did NOT insult me. Believe me, given the "taking" nature of this couple, the thought crossed my mind. I felt guilty about even thinking it, but the thought was there.

Since it is my husband's side of the family, I'm going to let him decide what he wants to do. Chances are, since he leaves most gift-buying to me, he'll probably do nothing, and neither will I.

That was sort of my point about being invited to a party.

Is it any more tactless to be solicited for a gift when there is no party, as in this case with the anniversary couple, than if there is a party, like when you're invited to a wedding or a shower?

I'm with your mother on this one.

To me, it's wrong either way because it's presumptuous of the wedding couple or the bride or whomever to assume that you are going to even give a gift, even though everyone knows that you will.

My father-in-law used to bring a blank check to weddings and other affairs and then, after evaluating how much he thought was spent on the party, he'd go into the men's room and fill in the amount accordingly.

I'm thinking how the couple would feel when they find out what their daughter has asked for.

I too think, if there was a party then it would've not been that awkward to ask for a certain gift, but even after spending a little while with this custom of registering at a certain store for bridal showers, baby showers, etc., I still think it is rude to even expect a gift (not that people here don't expect huge gifts ), let alone a certain gift. But then it all depends on the customs you've been exposed to I guess.

Yes, it is.

A bridal or baby shower means just that...that the bride or mother-to-be is going to be 'showered' with gifts. Even when it's an engagement/wedding/christening etc. where the term 'shower' isn't used, you are a guest, being invited to share in the joy of whatever is being celebrated. So even though a gift isn't asked for, one is expected. It's called etiquette.

So again, if this daughter were throwing even a small party in honor of her parents' anniversary and asked for the B&B donations in place of actual gifts, that would have been better than what she's doing. This way...if most relatives react in the way SB and Mr. Babe have...she is doomed to fall flat on her face.

And, if she and her parents are as tacky as implied, she'll probably end up telling them what she had planned and that very few responded, she couldn't come up with enough money and the 3 of them will percieve it as the relatives being wrong, and not them.

What can you do???

Regarding bridal/baby registries, since it was brought up...I used to think they were quite nervy, how dare you actually pick out your gifts and basically tell people what to bring??? But over the years I've found them to be of ENORMOUS help in knowing what is needed, they eliminate alot of guessing and above all, you know your gift will be wanted and appreciated. Also, no one is obligated to purchase a gift through a registry even if one is used.

Best,
Apple

Now THAT's tactless. Funny, but tactless.

It also further solidifies the importance of a party. When throwing a celebration, you basically try to plan with your guests in mind as well as the 'honoree', choosing the food, entertainment, decorations etc. that you hope they will enjoy. Plaw's FIL would go and write a check in accordance with how he felt he was treated as a guest.

In the case of SB's relative...there is no party at all and a gift is being asked for anyway. So the gift should really by rights be either very little or nothing at all. It's just the way life works.

Apple

SB, what's the matter with you? Didn't you learn anything from Pop or Michael?

Here's what you should write her in a letter :

We've known each other many years, but this is the first time you came to me for money, for help. I can't remember the last time that you invited me to your house for a cup of coffee, But let's be frank here: you never wanted my friendship. And uh, you were afraid to be in my debt.


P.S. - So what do you come to me for -- why don't you go to a travel agent?




Don Cardi

DC, Mr. Babe and I actually acted out the scene with Senator Geary right after we read the card.

"There's not need to wait for the RSVP date. You can have my answer now if you like. My offer is this --nothing. Not even the money for the breakfast part of the bed and breakfast, which I would appreciate if you would put up personally."

Since my personal nickname for this girl's father is "Fredo", you can imagine how often the Godfather has been brought up when it comes to this couple!

SB,

Mail the daughter a credit card application and include a note; something to the effect of 'do what the rest of us would do.'

This would be my reaction to that e-mail: "Umm lets not and say we did...what do you think I am made of money and I have an unlimited money supply growing in the backyard?!" Then I would say a line from Seinfeld, that I just find hilarious "No soup for you!" but instead it would be "No money for you!" But I'm just sarcastic like that.

That's not very classy, just demanding money like that, I would be appauled. I would have to question the thought process behind the whole e-mail. Were they even thinking? I don't know.

If the couple are family that you saw at least during the holidays most years; the 25th is a noteworthy anniversary ... it would be a nice gesture to send a gift.

However, sending money to the daughter could further complicate things if the trip doesn't come off.
Instead, you might advise the daughter that you are going to send flowers to their room at the B&B with a note expressing your *personal* well-wishes ... and for her to let you know the name of the B&B and the date of their stay. If she insists that she would like you to contribute to the B&B instead, tell her it sounds like a nice idea but you prefer to send a personal gift, and in fact intend to do so whether they go to the B&B or not.

After confirming the reservation just prior to their arrival, have FTD (etc) deliver flowers to their room with a nice note. (or flowers and a bottle of champaign etc.)

If the B&B trip does not come off, send the flowers and the note to them at home anyway ... it's a classy thing to do.

The daughter shouldn't fault you ... you did honor her parents with a gift. And the gift is the choice of the giver.

She's young and used poor judgement. Maybe her intentions where upstanding, however she should have called people on the phone indicating she wanted to do something for her parents, and that "if we don't get a party together for them" would people be willing to put in on an alternative gift ... like a stay at a B&B.

It's not just you, SB. People try this shit all the time anymore. It's practically mooching, and when we get these letters, we refuse. I will support a friend, but the friend must be respectable in order for me to help him/her.

Something else which is really annoying is how when you get done going on a cruise, the cruise line sends you the bill, and expects for you to pay each employee a certain amount for a tip. On top of that, you're expected to pay for the actual service. What the fuck is this? You start paying each employee, hell, you may as well own the place. It's beyond stupid and we've totally lost touch in what the tip stands for.

That's my take on the deal.

TonyD, I think your plan is a bit complicated and not worth the effort. Besides, SB has already stated that the daughter DID name the B&B in her original note (though I don't recall if she mentioned the actual weekend booked, or if it even IS booked).

This young lady needs to be taught a lesson in social manners. She appears to have not listened to reason when spoken to by other relatives (SB's MIL). Either a small donation or completely ignoring the request is probably the best way to go.

I wonder what they finally decided....

Apple

TonyD, I think your plan is a bit complicated and not worth the effort. Besides, SB has already stated that the daughter DID name the B&B in her original note (though I don't recall if she mentioned the actual weekend booked, or if it even IS booked).

This young lady needs to be taught a lesson in social manners. She appears to have not listened to reason when spoken to by other relatives (SB's MIL). Either a small donation or completely ignoring the request is probably the best way to go.

I wonder what they finally decided....

Apple [/b][/quote]Apple,
True, if the parents are not at all close family, then ignoring it may be fine.
I only posted the idea in case SB didn't want to ignore the anniversary.

I thought the solution was pretty even handed ... the parents get a gift; but importantly, the daughter doesn't get the money which would validate her rude behavior.

When the daughter realizes that money was spent, but it was not given to her, I think that sends a definite message.

Sending some flowers is pretty simple stuff. I didn't think it was complicated at all.

To me, a lot of it would depend on how close the parents are.

Tony

They are very close relatives, and I probably should at least acknowledge the anniversary, but these people are mooching, self-absorbed and self-centered. They are setting an example that their daughter has decided to follow: Heck, if we can't pay for it, let someone who actually works really hard for a living pay!!

I have decided to totally ignore the request and the anniversary. Although being a member of this family for almost 20 years, I have never received an acknowledgement of my birthday or anniversary from these people. When my daughter was hospitalized several times for surgeries, they never visited her at the hospital, and didn't even call to see how she was doing until 48 hours after the surgery. She was in a hospital over an hour from home, so I didn't expect people to visit (although tons did, showing how truly caring they were), but she was home recuperating for almost a month after each operation, and they only live 15 minutes from us. They never even stopped in. Believe me, I could go on and on about the various shameful ways that they've acted, but I won't bore you.

I may be a tad bitter, but I am so sick of being the better person in this relationshi. I've decided that I'm drawing the line at this latest bold and ill-mannered move. I think that to acknowledge this request for money would be to somehow condone it, so I'm going to act as if it doesn't exist.

Funny, I was thinking of using the same tactic to raise money from my friends and relatives so I could attend the next Gangster BB weekend.

... after all, my birthday is coming up in August; I've never been to a Gangster BB weekend; and it's been my "dream" to attend one.

I think it's just you.


:p

Only kidding. That does seem incredibly rude, snobby, and insensitive... There's not much else to it.