Just remembered a couple of jokes I heard some time ago:

1)

Representatives of different nationalities meet in a restaurant. Each one ordered a glass of wine, but when it was delivered, each found a fly in their glass.

The Swede asked for a new wine in the same glass.
The Englishman asked for a new wine in a new glass.
The Finn took the fly out and drank the wine.
The Russian drank the wine with the fly.
The Chinese took the fly out, ate it, but didn’t drink the wine.
The Jew took the fly out and sold it to the Chinese.
The Gypsy drank 2/3 of the wine and then asked to replace it.
The Norwegian took the fly and went fishing while using it as bait.
The Irishman chopped the fly to pieces inside the glass and sent it to the Englishman.
The American sued the restaurant and demanded 65 millions of dollars as moral compensation.
The Scotsman grabbed the fly by the throat and shouted: “Now you fucking spit out everything you drank!”
The Cuban shouted that this was all result of machinations by social democrats; stabbed the waiter, said that he didn’t want the wine because it’s a drink for women, and asked where was the vodka he ordered long ago.




2)

The results of a recent FAO-commissioned survey of governments around the world have been published
The question was: “Tell us honestly what your opinion is about food shortages in the rest of the world”

The Europeans didn’t understand what “shortage” meant.
The Africans didn’t understand what “food” meant.
The Americans didn’t understand what “the rest of the world” meant.
The Chinese asked for more clarification on the meaning of “opinion”.
The Italian government is still debating about the meaning of the word “honestly”.

LOL, Two very cute jokes Dwalin

Since we're getting bombarded with heavy snow in NYC (much more than weathermen predicted as usual, lol) and it looks like we're mostly gonna be stuck indoors today, and much of the rest of the country is getting slammed also, I figure I'll post up a few more jokes throughout the day to lighten up everyone's mood and make ya smile a bit....so "here goes nuttin" as they say in Brooklyn. Lol
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Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?

A: Because everyone that can run, jump, and swim is already across the border!

A plane crashes in the jungle and the only survivor is Vinnie from Brooklyn,who is captured by a native tribe.

The chief pulls out a knife and says "We're going to kill you and use your skin to make a canoe.

Vinnie quickly grabs the knife and begins stabbing himself all over.

The chief says "what are you doing?"

Vinnie replies "Fuck your canoe !"

Just two southern boys...
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Big Bubba and Billy Ray are from down in Arkansas but they're visiting The Big Apple to see a relative of theirs serving time in Rikers Island City Prison. While walking along Canal Street in Downtown Manhattan they see a sign that reads, suits $12 each, shirts $3.00 each, and trousers $3.50 per pair. Bubba says to his pal, "Wow Billy Ray, look! We could buy us a whole lot of those and when we get back to Arkansas we could sell em. I betcha we could fetch us a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be all quiet and all ya here? Just let me do all the fancy talkin cause if they hear our southern accent they might not wanna sell ta us. I'll go ahead and speak in my best New Yorkese accent."

So they go in and Big Bubba quickly orders 50 suits at $12.00 each, 100 shirts at $3.00 each, and tells the shop keeper to also throw in 50 pairs of trousers at $3.50 apiece. Tellin him, "I'll go and back up my pickup truck and..."

The owner of the shop interrupts Big Bubba before he could even finish what he was saying as asks Big Bubba, "You're from Arkansas, aren't you?"

"Why yes," says an astonished Big Bubba. "how'd come to know that?"

The owner looks him dead in the eyes and then says, "because this is a dry-cleaners!"

And now to show that I'm an equal opportunity ball buster, an Italian joke!
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Q: It Tarzan and Jane were Italian, what would Cheetah be?

A: The least hairy of the three!

Cute joke, but I see I gotta watch you more closely LP because I had that joke structured differently but it was essentially the same and was gonna post it up for everyones enjoyment down the pike a bit. But you beat me to the punch. Lol (Good for you pal. Gotta say that I'm really enjoying all these jokes everyone is contributing to this thread). I think that most everyone else on GBB is enjoying our ongoing "levity" fest as well because I see we've already gotten over 5400 views to this thread (and counting). Glad its been so well received by other members. I guess most of the posters on this forum could use a bit of lite hearted diversion and welcome a laugh or two. It's a refreshing change of pace from some of the more, shall I say, darker negative threads posted up here lately. Lol.

A JEWISH ENGAGEMENT...
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Some years back Ruth and Ida were chatting one day when Ruth mentions, "My son is getting married. He just got engaged to a wonderful girl. She's not Jewish but she's a sweetheart. The only thing is he thinks she may have a disease called Herpes.

Ida says, "Oh my goodness, do you have any idea what this Herpes is, or if he can catch it? Is it transmittable?"

Ruth replies, "No, but I'm just so thrilled to hear about Irving's engagement. It was high time he settled down. As far as the Herpes goes...who knows?"

So Ida says, "Well, I have a very good medical dictionary book at home. I'll look it up and give you a call later ok?"

So Ruth heads home, looks up the word, and then called Ida back.

"Ida baby, I found it. Not to worry! It says Herpes is a disease that only affects the gentiles."

Q: What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an Iranian?

A: Oil of Ole'

Q: What do you call a Redneck who accidentally lites himself all a flame?

A: A Fire Cracker!

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic,an insomniac,and an agnostic?
Someone who stays awake all night wondering whether or not there's a dog.

Q: Why didn't Basher Al-Assad like to go out drinking?

A: Why should he when he can get bombed at home?

Anyone mentioned the never-ending (un) funny comments regarding

1) shineboxes

2) making of a varsity athlete

3) 2 black guys done it

In every youtube sopranos/ Mafia video

Did you hear about the new $3-million dollar Vietnamese National Lottery?

The winner get $3 dollars a year for a million years.

On that- the new best selling Vietnamese cook book: 101 ways to wok your dog

U guys r sick...xept 4 the 1 or 2 blonde jokes...they were funny.

A pirate walks into the Emergency Room with a steering wheel sticking out of his fly and tells the Nurse "Aaargh ,it"s drivin' me nuts"

JUMPING FROM AIRPLANES...

An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across the country on a small plane when the pilot comes on over the loud speaker and says, "We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the cockpit door and jump from the plane so at least one of you will survive.

The four hesitantly open the door and look down below...
The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers, "God Save The Queen" and jumps.
The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers, "Viva La France" and he also jumps.
This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers, "Remember The Alamo" and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

A hopeful young Catholic Italian girl knelt down before a statue of the Madonna and prayed, saying, "You who have conceived without sin, please let me sin without conceiving!"

Short and sweet.....
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Q: What do you call a moron in a tree with a brief case?

A: A Branch Manager

....Here's one more for the Gipper....
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Q: Whats the difference between your wife and your girlfriend?

A: About 60 pounds and 30 years!

And now for a little change up....
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Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to fetch her poor dog a bone. But when she bent over, Rover took over, and the bitch got a bone of her own!

Three pregnant women (a brunette, redhead, and a blond) were sitting in a lounge chatting. The brunette says, "I know what I'm gonna have. I was on top when we did it so it'll definitely be a boy."

The redhead says, "By your logic then I will definitely have a girl because I was on the bottom missionary style when we did it."

The blonde starts crying and orders another shot screaming, "Puppies! Puppies!"

What's the difference between a slut and a bitch?

A slut is a girl who will screw anybody.
A bitch is a girl who will screw anybody but you.

What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
About 4 drinks.

A woman is rushed to the delivery room of the local hospital.
When the baby comes out.the Doctor says "Miss,your baby is black,and has blonde hair and slanted eyes".
The mother replies"about 9 months ago, I was so broke I was living on the street. I got offered a lot of money to shoot a porn movie.
I had scenes with a Black man,a Chinese man,and a Swedish man.
When the Doctor slaps the baby on the butt and he starts to cry,the mother shouts out "Thank God!!"
The Doctor says"That's right,just be happy that the baby is healthy"
The mother replies' you don't understand. I was afraid he was going to bark".

very cute

Q: What did the Russian bride get from her new husband on her wedding day that was really long and hard?

A: A new last name!

What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbitt?
You gonna eat that ?

What did Dahmer sing when he opened the fridge?
"My baloney has a first name..."

What did Ron Goldman say to Nicole Simpson when he met her in Heaven?
Here's your fucking glasses !!!!

Two men burglarized a pharmacy and stole all the Viagra. The police immediately put out an alert to be on the lookout for two hardened criminals.

Wednesday's Joke of The Day!
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Q: What's the difference between a man arguing with his wife and a man with a lottery ticket?

A: The man with a lottery ticket actually has a chance to win!
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One more joke while I'm at it....
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Q: What does a nymphomaniac blonde and and an" instant win" lottery ticket have in common?

A: Simply scratch the box to win and be happy!