Did you hear the one about the man who was half Polish and half Italian??

Yeah, he made himself an offer he couldn't understand!

A veterinarian friend of mine opened up a taxidermy business next door to his practice.
No matter what happens,you get your dog back.

Last week,I had lunch at a German/Chinese restaurant.
Am hour later,I was hungry for power.

A Jewish guy and a Japanese guy opened a restaurant together.
It's called So-sue-me.

I was having lunch at an outdoor cafe when it started to rain.
It took me 45 minutes to finish my soup.

4 good ones pal. Lol

Q: Why did the Second Italian Navy have glass bottom boats?

A: So they could see the First Italian Navy.
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Q: Did you hear about the Michelin Star Italian Chef who died?

A: Yeah. He pasta way.

Two Italian guys named Dino and Marcello go out fishing on a boat. Suddenly, Dino spots and old WWII bomb floating along the top of the water towards them.

He screams, "Marcello! Marcello!...Looka! Looka! It's a mine! It's a mine!
.
A bit annoyed, Marcello answers Dino back, "Take it easy compare, I don't care you can a have it!"

A GERMAN, AN ITALIAN, AND IRISHMAN ARE SITTING AT A BAR...
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When 3 flies suddenly fly into the room and dive-bomb directly into each of their 3 drinks.

The German puts down his drink and says, "I can't drink this!"

The Italian quickly scoops the fly out of his drink with a spoon and says, "that's good enough for me" and continues drinking.

The Irishman grabs hold of the fly and starts shaking the little fella like crazy, yelling, "Spit it all out you thieving bastard!

Young guy is down on his luck. He sees an old Jewish woman walking down the street in his direction. When she comes close he says" Excuse me mame, I wonder if you can help me? I havent eaten in 2 days"

Jewish women looks up and says "force yourself"

MASSAGING THE WIFE...
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An Italian, a Frenchman, and an American, were discussing the art of massaging their spouses and the benefits thereof...

First the Italian said, "Last night I massaged my wife with the finest Extra Virgin Olive Oil, then we made passionate love until I made her scream for 5 minutes during a massive orgasm she had."

The Frenchman quickly chimed in, "Last night I massaged my wife with a special aphrodisiac oil, then I made sultry love to her. She screamed out as she orgasmed for 15 minutes.

Not to be outdone, the American told them both, "Thats nothing fellas! Last night I massaged my wife with cheese, then made love to her and made her scream for 2 hours!

Astonished, the Italian and Frenchman exclaimed, "Wow, for 2 hours? How did you accomplish that?"

The American retorted, "I wiped my hands on the curtains."

God went to a Frenchman and asked, "I've got some commandments here, do you want some?"

"What are they like?" The Frenchman asked? "Thou shall not commit adultery" answered God. "I don't think sooo...slurred the Frenchman.
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So God went to a German and asked if he wanted any commandments. "What are they like?" The German questioned. "Thou shall not kill!" God replied. "Hmmm, perhaps not the German sighed.
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So God went to an Italian, offering him some commandments. "What are they like?" The Italian inquired. "Thou shall not steal," Answered God. "No thank you!" The Italian quickly answered.
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So then God approached a Jew and offered him some commandments.

"How much are they?" The Jew asked. "They're free" God answered him.

"I'll take ten!" Said the Jew.

An earthquake hits Rome,and a wall inside the Vatican collapses,revealing a sealed, locked chest inside a small room.
No one has any idea what it is or when it was put there.
The Pope is summoned and the chest is carefully opened by the best locksmith in Rome,who has been sworn to secrecy.
Inside is the actual, original Bible.
The Pope and the Bible are escorted, under extremely tight security, to a room so that His Holiness can have the honor of reading it first.
6 hours later,the Pope comes out of the room with tears streaming down his face.
His top Cardinal says "He is so moved by God's word that he is shedding tears of joy"
The Pope turns to the Cardinal and still crying says "CELEBRATE,the word is CELEBRATE"

A LITTLE SOMETHING TO HOPEFULLY BRIGHTEN UP YOUR DAY...
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A man walks up to a counter and says, "Gimme a kielbasa sandwich and beer!"
"Ah" says the guys behind the counter. "You must be Polish."

Whoa! Whoa! The man angrily says back to the counterman becoming very irate as he does so. "I happen to take great offense to that. Why are assuming that just because I ordered kielbasa and a beer that I must be Polish?"

"Well....stammered the guy."

But the customer was so hot under the collar by this time that he cut the counter guy off mid-sentence and says, "If I had ordered spaghetti and meatballs, would you automatically assume that I was Italian?"

"Well no" the counter guy sheepishly answered the customer.

"And if I ordered some corned beef and cabbage, would that automatically make me an Irishman?"

"Absolutely not" replied the counter guy.

"So then tell me why" says the customer, "it is that you are assuming I'm Polish just because I ordered a kielbasa sandwich and a beer?"

"Well" stammered the counter guy...."because this here is a hardware store!"

I heard that the Italian government has decided to place a huge clock similar to London's Big Ben inside the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

...I guess they figured now they'll have the "time" as well as the "inclination"

Nice one.You are quite the "pun-isher".

LOL...no "pun" intended

THE PROFESSOR GOES TO ITALY...
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An elderly classical language professor flies to Italy for a school conference.

Hailing a taxicab as he departs the airport, the Italian cab driver points to a sign in the cab that says, "please tell the driver your destination."

The professor hesitates for a moment because he doesn't speak any Italian per se, but fears the driver may misunderstand him if he tries speaking in English.

But suddenly he remembers that the Italian language is derived from ancient Latin, so the professor proceeds to talk to the driver in classical Latin saying, "Adducere me ad Marriott deversorium."

Upon hearing the professor speak the cab driver first raises an eyebrow, but then nods his head and quietly proceeds to put his Fiat in gear for the ride. As he's driving and thinking to himself for a few minutes the cabbie can no longer resist and says, "Madonna Mia! You sure haven't been to Roma in ages have you?"

You hear about the poor little Italian child that was born without any arms?



Yeah, tragically the poor kid never learned to talk.

I just got a notification on my cell phone that my "10" inch Italian Meat Lover" is on the way.

I'm just not sure if that notice came from Pizza Hut, or Grindr?

JOKE OF THE DAY...
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Q: What do Italian's call ghosts?

A: Gaba-Ghouls!
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AND HERE'S ONE MORE "FOR THE GIPPER" AS THEY SAY...
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The Italian government recently set up two new major telecommunications networks to better serve the nation of Italy and the Island of Sicily.

They named them Data-1...and Dissa-1

Q: What did Timon & Pumbaa order at the Italian restaurant?

A: The Tuna Piccata!

I'm not saying I have bad luck with women, but my Twitter handle is # Swipe Left.

This new technology doesn't help either. I was talking to a girl and she said "Why don't you Zoom me?
I said "OK,take off your pants" and she threw a drink in my face.

I told another girl "I didn't come here to be insulted" and she replied "where do you usually go? I can meet you"

I told her friend "I've never been so insulted in my entire life" and she said "Oh,you must have been"

Two Italian guys were sitting around discussing which woman they'd wanna have sex with if they could pick from any woman in the whole world...

The first guys says the famous Italian actress "Sophia Loren." ...The second guy quickly comments, "Virginia Pippellini"

The first guy's like, "What?...Who's that? Is she a model?"

"I don't know"

"Is she an actress?"

"I don't know"

"A Singer?"

"I don't know"

Finally the first Italian asks, "Well, if you don't even know who she is then why choose her?"

The second guy pulls out a newspaper and points to the top headline that reads, "Virginia Pipeline blows 50 men dead!"

The Weenie Contest...
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Three 3rd grade children; an Irish kid, an Italian, and a Black, were in the elementary school bathroom during recess one morning and they decided to have a weenie contest to see who had the biggest weenie.

The little Irish boy pulls his out first and it's pretty small. The Italian boy goes next and it's about average. Then the Black boy pulls his out and it's clearly the largest, but the other boys say, "Well you won, but it's only because you're Black!"

So later that night when the Black kid gets home his mother asks him what he did that day in school. He tells her all about how they colored crayons in books, and reading, and what they learned about, and how he played at recess. But then he says very proudly, "And mom, today me and my friends had a weenie contest, and I won!"

But mom, the others boys said I only won because I'm Black." To which his mother replied, "Tyrone, you didn't win because you were Black. You won because you're 17 years old!"

Q: What's the best way to grease a Ferrari?

A: Run over an Italian!

Q: Why aren't Italians into "bondage?"

A: Because they can't say the "safe word" while they're wearing handcuffs.

A good friend of mine told me he fed his wife a nice 8" spicy Italian sausage last night...afterwards he thoughtfully drove her to Subway for a bite to eat!

I just read today in The New York Times that the newly developed aircraft division of the General Electric Corporation has been merged with Alitalia, the Italian airline...They plan to rename it, "Genitalia"

. Haha. This thread is Great to lighten things up a bit. Good job NYMafia!!

Thanks JC. I do what I can, Lol.....

My wife just gave me a beautiful piece of ancient Italian artwork for this upcoming Valentines Day....It was so rome-antique!

Southern Italian restaurants are the only types of eateries where dining customers may find bugs, yet they don't get upset and "bug out."

Over the years diners have learned how to just detach the little metal wires from the "bug" microphone and discard them...then go on to enjoy their meal. They know it just comes with the territory!