LOL...thats a good one, Lou. Thats very cute!

THE IMPOSSIBLE DREAM...

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold, a genie appeared. The genie said to her, "I can grant you one wish, but only one wish! So...what will it be?"

The young woman thought for a moment, and then pulled out a map of the Middle East from her back pack.

"See these countries, Egypt, Syria, Lebanon, Iran, Iraq, Palestine and Israel etc.? Well I want them all to live in peace" she said.

The Genie studied the map, then commented, What the fuck, lady! These countries have been fighting one another for hundreds of years. This is impossible, better try another wish," the Genie grunted.

"Well" responded the young woman, "then I want the perfect man. A guy who is kind, compassionate, and gentle, who likes children and housework, loves to cook, and will help me clean the house...even if it's Super Bowl Sunday."

The puzzled Genie just stared at the young woman for a long, hard minute, and then finally retorted, "Show me that fucking map again, lady."
-

Happy Monday GBB!

A guy's not feeling good so the doctor runs a bunch of tests.
When he calls the guy in to give him the results,he tells him "I've got good news and bad news."
Guy says "gimme the bad news first".
Doc says "you have 6 months to live".
The guy then says "what's the good news"?
The doctor leans over and whispers "I'm screwing my nurse"

DRUNKEN BAPTISMS...

A drunken man stumbles upon a baptism by the River Jordan. The priest is standing there dunking people's heads underwater and when they emerge, the priest would ask if they'd found Jesus.

So the drunk wanders down to the river to join in. He stands in line and when it gets to his turn, the priest dunks the man's head under the water. When he pulls the man back up, the priest then asked the man if he has found Jesus, to which the man replied no!

So the priest dunked him underwater again...but this time for a little longer. Once again the priest pulls the man up out of the water and asks if he's found Jesus, but once again the man replies no!

So the priest dunks him under a third time, only this time he kept the man underwater for a long while. When he finally pulled him back up the priest asked if he'd finally found Jesus, to which the man asked, "Are you positive this is where the guy fell in?"

THE ELECTION PROCESS...


One afternoon, an American, a Japanese, and a Bosnian were chatting over a cup of coffee and the discussion turned to political elections.

The American, proud of his country, stated; "In America, in less than 2 hours after the casting of the election ballots, we pretty much already know who will win the race."

The proud Japanese, not to be outdone, retorted; "That’s nothing! In Japan, we get the election results within 2 minutes."

Thinking he had them beat, the clueless Bosnian mocked them and remarked; "I don’t get it fellas. Why does it take both your countries so long? In Bosnia, we already know who got elected 2 months before our Election Day."

What is the new national bird of Iran?

...a U.S. Drone!

A Henny Youngman special...


Five years ago, I asked this beautiful woman if she would go to dinner with me....Then, last spring, I asked her to be my wife.

...Both times she said no!

Syria gets lots of nice reviews on the internet.

In fact, most everyone who comments say they got blown away.

I can never understand when people complain that they can't meet their expenses.

After all, every time you turn around up pops another one...Let's face it, they’re everywhere!

Its all about priorities!
-

A man from the Balkans and a man from Japan were talking about priorities in life.

The man from Japan commented: “For me, my family is first, then comes Japan, and then comes my job.”

The guy from the Balkans thought hard for a few minutes and then replied, “For me, it is the exact opposite. My job comes first, then my family, and then comes Japan.”

What’s the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu?

One requires tweetment. While the other requires an oinkment.

Now that's funny !!!

Why thank you, Mr. Para! Glad I made you smile. Lol.

HAPLESS HARRY

Last week Hapless Harry took his wife and kids to church for Sunday Mass. During the priest’s liturgy the collection baskets were passed around for offerings from the parishioners. So, being the generous good Catholic he was, when the usher came around with the collection basket Harry made sure to reach into his pocket and pull out a $50 bill that he placed into the basket.

At that very moment, another parishioner sitting in the pew directly behind Harry tapped him on the shoulder and handed him five $100 bills. Harry just smiled at the man, took the money and placed the $500 into the collection basket also.

But thinking about it, Harry became so impressed with the man’s generosity that he felt compelled to turn around compliment the man about his large offering to the church.

The man just smiled back and replied, “Don’t mention it my friend. After all, I saw it fall out as you reached into your pocket.”

Why did the restaurant hire Porky Pig?

….Because he was very good at bacon.

A little Mother's Day humor...

"When you're a mother, half of the time you feel that you're running an insane asylum...the other half, you feel like you belong in one."

…Where’s Angelo?

Here's a seasonal joke for you...
-

How can you make yourself jump higher on a water bed?

...Thats easy. Just fill it with spring water!

Here's one the forum might enjoy. This little gem is titled….

“THE KNOW IT ALL” (aka The Schmuck)



One day, an American, a Macedonian, and a Russian were discussing space exploration and how they could reach the planets.

The American said, I think I can get to Mars!

The Russian and Macedonian looked at one another and then asked him, “And just how would you do that?”

But the American just smiled coyly, and then replied, “Thats really none of your business.”

Hearing what the American said, the Russian became very agitated and nervous. He quickly retorted back, “Then I’ll go to Venus!”

The American and Macedonian asked him, “How?”

The Russian smirked back at them and commented, “I’m still working out the details. But somehow, I will go there. You will see. And It’s none of your business.”

.…The American and the Russian started arguing about their respective space plans.

Afraid of being outdone, the Macedonian thought long and hard for a minute, quickly coming up with his “master plan.” To the surprise of the other two men, he blurted out, “I’m going to travel to the sun!”

Upon hearing his ridiculous statement, the American and Russian just looked at one another for a moment, then burst out laughing in the face of the Macedonian.

They commented back to him, “So, you’re going to travel to the sun, huh? Ha-Ha! You’re such a fool! Are you a crazy man? You must be out of your mind, because the blazing sun is so hot that you can’t even get close to it…You would melt in a split-second!”

The hotheaded Macedonian became so angered by their response, because he was so confident that he had everything all figured out, the Macedonian smugly retorted back with false bravado, “YOU are the only fools here! Going to the sun will be no big problem for me! You see gentlemen, I have it all figured out. I am a Macedonian and I’m much more intelligent than the both of you!.…I plan to travel there at night!”

And now for a little joke for Memorial Day Weekend...
-

Q: Why did the tomato turn so red at the Memorial Day picnic?


A: Because he saw the salad dressing!

Question of the day....

Why aren't there any knock knock jokes about America?

Answer: Because freedom rings!

Damn right !!!!!!

Unfortunately, dogs can't operate an MRI machine.

But...Catscan!

LOL

Under pressure from animal rights groups,research companies have decided to replace lab rats with lawyers.
They cited 3 reasons for this.
1) There are a lot more lawyers than there are rats.
2) Scientists don't get as emotionally attached to lawyers as they do rats.
3) There are some things that even a rat won't do.

THE GATES OF HEAVEN…


One day, a tribe of 40 Gypsies all suddenly died and went up to Heaven.

They turned up at the Pearly Gates, asking St. Peter to let them in.

Upon seeing the huge crowd, St. Peter told them he did not have room to accommodate all 40 of them, that he only had room for 10. So he then advised them to go away and discuss among themselves which 10 would come in.

…A short while later, St. Peter went to see God and told him, “They’re gone!”

God replied, “Who, the Gypsies?”

St. Peter retorted, “No, the fucking gates!”

Why do racketeers and mafiosi enjoy standing under trees?

...Because it's so shady.

....So, a termite walks into a neighborhood bar and asks, ”Excuse me, but is the bar tender here?”

Q: Why don't mafiosi like elephants?

A: Because no matter how hard they try, they just can't fit their corpses in car trunks.