I recently got ripped off.
I spent $19.95 on a book called "Making it Big"
Turns out it's about money.

At the time of his sentencing, the savvy jurist also gave the defendant a bit of free advice. And that was, and I quote, "Go get yourself a job and maybe you'll be able to pay fees and life's expenses like other adults. Instead of trying to jump turnstiles, cheat toll booths, or whimpering like a baby and pulling a tantrum when you can't. lol.

Q) Why are there so few Lawyer jokes?
A) Lawyers won't repeat them,and nobody else realizes they're jokes.

REAL ESTATE VALUES...

Once upon a time, there was a doctor and a sex offender who happened to live next to one another. They also had the exact same style of home.

A few years later, they both decided to put their homes up for sale.

One day the sex offender saw the doctor outside watering his lawn. So he walked up and asked him, "Hey doc, I'm curious. How much are you selling your house for?"

The doctor replied, I have it listed for $150,000. Why do you ask?"

The sex offender replied back, "Only $150K? Wow. I've got mine on the market also. But I listed it for $350,000."

Hearing what he considered to be a very exorbitant asking price, the doctor felt compelled to ask, "Why would you ask so much money? We have the same style house."

The sex offender retorted, "Because my home is located next to a prominent doctor. Unfortunately, yours is located right next door to a convicted sex offender."

Word to the wise...
--

Never bother a gangster the night before he goes on vacation.

...Because he's probably packing.

Statistics show that by next Valentine’s Day, 1 in 3 people will be crying into their bag of popcorn while they watch Netflix all alone.

But a guy I know just announced that he won’t be…He just can’t afford the subscription fee.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?



....Fsh.

I can't believe they've created a sex offender registry.

I mean, who on earth would even consider buying gifts for these types of people?

We were just notified at work that the boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.

....I have a hunch, it might be me.

A guy tells his wife "Honey,I heard a rumor that our new Mailman has had sex with every woman on our street except one"
His wife thinks for a minute and says "I bet it's that snooty Mrs. Jenkins"

Why do sex offenders never get speeding tickets?

Because they always make sure to drive slower around school zones.

Why do irons have a setting for permanent press?

A guy I know wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant…but then he changed my mind. Lol.

The future, the present and the past walked into a bar.

....I hear things got a little tense.

Very funny stuff! Lol

What do horses say when they fall?

...Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy up.

Why did the chicken go to a seance?
To talk to the other side.

Never yell into a colander,you'll just strain your voice.

Have you heard about the hobo gangster, yet?


...Yeah, word on the streets is that he's absolutely roofless!

It seems there’s a new grassroots movement afoot to combat all those dastardly subscription paywalls around the world….You know them, don’t you? The enemies of all the little people. Lol.

Now don’t get me wrong, this laughable “grassroots” movement only has one single “blade of grass” in this movement. Thats right folks…one! As in one lonely little solo...(1) lol. Nonetheless, it mindlessly attempts to persevere forward. So this "movement" is really not moving anywhere.

Never mind the cold hard facts and statistical odds that are somewhere in the neighborhood of five zillion to one against him….he still blindly stumbles forward, making a fool of himself, tripping over his own feet, every single day, like a blind man.

But hey, but what the heck, right? 5-Zillion-to-1? That ain't so bad, is it? LOL

Those odds are not so insurmountable…..are they?

Let’s take a quick look, shall we?….

TheChicagoTribune, TheNewYorkTimes, NYDailyNews, LINewsday, NJStarLedger, TheWashingtonPost, LosAngelesTimes, USAToday, TheGuardian, TheWallStreetJournal, SanFranciscoChronicle, LosAngelesTimes, TheTimesandSundayTimes, LeMonde, TheFinancialTimes, CorriereDellaSera, TheEconomist, Nikkei, TheTelegraph, TheAtlantic, AlbanyTimesUnion, TheMiamiHerald, TheChicagoReader, TheNewsGazette, TheSouthernIllinoisan, SpringfieldNews, TheStateJournal-Register, RockfordRegisterStar, TheSunSentinel, FloridaToday, NaplesDailyNews, TheDetroitNews, Netflix, MaryFarrellArchives, HBO, Cinemax, Showtime, Optimum, DisneyChannel, Ancestrycom, UKFinancialTimes, TimesofLondon, TampaTribune, TampaBayTimes, XfinityChoiceTV, COX, SlingTV, Paramount, Sparklight, DishLatino, VerizonFios, ESPN, MTV, FoxNewsChannel, ChicagoSunTimes, Newspaperscom, DenverPost, USAToday, Peacock, CableVision, AmazonPrime, Starz, TMC, TheAthletic, Hulu, AppleTV, Max, Bild, TheGangsterReport, Clarin, Aftonbladet, Caixin, DagensNyheter, LaNacion, SacramentoBee, GazetaWyborcza, DailyHerald, BuffaloNews, SouthernLakesNewspapers, TheFlorentine, LaRepubblica, LaStampa, IISole24Ore, IIMessaggero, LaSicilia, ButtonGuys, GanglandNews, GiornalediSicilia, Avanti, LaGazzettaDelloSport, IlFattoQuotidiano, IlGiornale, IlRestoDelCarlino, IlMattino, ANSA, IlGazzettino, Avvenire, LaNazione, AltoAdige, IlManifesto, Panorama, ilCentro, IlFoglio, ElPais, ElMundo, RtnNewspaper, ABC, DeTelegraaf, LeFigaro, TheFoodNetwork, PhiloTV, PBS, SpectrumTV, DirecTV, Comcast, CharterCommunications, MagazinesDirect, Rock, ComputerMusic, Edge, Golf, War&History, Barnes&Noble, NationalGeographic, etc., etc., etc., etc.…..(and literally, untold millions of more subscription paywall sites out there.)

Maybe that single blade of grass should rethink this, no? Maybe it should take up ping-pong or Tiddlywinks as a hobby instead. LOL

Nonetheless, admittedly, it will be a daunting and insurmountable task for our little “would-be” super hero, don’t ya think?

Yet, completely undeterred by these undeniable facts, the "disappointed" little blade of grass bravely marches on — “fighting the good fight” — as they say! LOL

My oh my! …What else can we say? Except, we wish it good luck. Because, clearly, this little blade of grass needs all the luck it can get. LOL

……Boycott them all, brave one!…..Yeah, thats it!.....Thats the ticket!!!!

It turns out that the newly designed corduroy pillow thats now on the market is a complete flop.

Apparently, despite its popularity…it continues making bad headlines!

Never hit your new neighbor with a shovel.
You'll make a bad impression on him.

A German, an American, and a Macedonian are on a plane...



A German, an American and a Macedonian are flying on a plane. When suddenly Satan appeared and started sawing off one of the plane’s wings.

The three men start panicking.

Frantically, the American immediately pulled out his suitcase, opened it up and said to the devil, “Please Satan, You can have this $500,000 in cash, just stop sawing off that wing!”

"Nah, thats too cheap!” Satan remarked.

Witnessing this, the German then opened his suitcase, and said to the devil, "Nein, don't do it! I’ll offer you my brand new BMW automobile and this $1-Million dollars in this suitcase!”

“I admit, it’s a tempting offer, however, it is still not enough!", retorted Satan.

Upon hearing what the devil said to the other two men, the Macedonian confidently walked up to the window and said, "Satan, I would like you to saw the wing off. And I’ll give you my entire year’s wages!”

Satan angrily yelled back, “What are you a complete fool? I don't work for free!”…as he stopped sawing.

Did you hear about the man who got hit by the same bike every morning, day after day?


...Yeah, It was a real vicious cycle.

Did you hear about the guy who took a Viagra and an iron pill at the same time?
The poor guy pointed north for 2 days.

I think it's funny that Viagra was invented by Pfizer instead of Upjohn.

True story lol....

This is a transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995, as released by the Chief of Naval Operations:

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES’ ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT’S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call. Lol lol lol

Did you hear about the first-time sex offender who was into BDSM?

...He got off with nothing but a slap on the wrist.

What’s the best method for burning off calories and all that unsightly fat?

….Just leave the food in the oven too long! LOL

A friend of mine recently went on the sex offender registry and found the addresses of all the sex offenders in his area, and sent them all hate mail.


…And just to make sure they read it, he wrote the letters in crayon!

What did one hat say to the other?

You stay here... I’ll go on ahead.

Where do Italian gangsters live?


....In the spaghetto.