There was a chimney fire in my mom's house last night. Her house burned to the ground. Everybody got out ok, but they lost everything.

All that remains from her house is the keys.

"Growing up my dad was like 'You have a great last name, Galifianakis. Galifianakis...begins with a gal...and ends with a kiss...' I'm like that's great dad, can we get it changed to 'Galifianafuck' please?" -- Zach Galifianakis