St. Peter had been working hard at the pearly gates when Jesus approached him, gave him the day off and said he would man the gates himself.
As he looked happily on the throngs of people entering the gates, he noticed a familiar old face in the distance. He couldn't believe his eyes as the old man in tattered garments drew near. Jesus walked to him and asked, "Old man, tell me, what is it that you seek?"
The old man, head bowed, replied, "I look for my son. In life -long ago- I was a simple carpenter, who had a son. A magnificent son. But he left me. He endured cruel treatment from wicked men, and I've searched forever for him."
Jesus hugged the old man and said, "Oh, Father!"
The old man embraced Jesus and exclaimed, "Pinocchio!"
Another guy-in-bar joke:
Young Texan walks into a saloon and says in a drawl, "Uh, hey, barkeep: lemme have a dozen whiskey sours." Bartender starts setting them up and says, "Say, it sounds like you're celebrating something."
"Yup," drawls the young Texan. "Ah jest had me muh first blow-job."
"Well, that's really worth celebrating," says the bartender. "Tell you what--I'll throw in one on the house, make it a baker's dozen."
"Naw," says the young Texan. "If twelve don't get the taste outta mah mouth, I'll jest go home and go to bed."
Here's a funny one about dying and going to Heaven:
>> Two 90 year old men, Moe and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Moe visits him every day. One day Moe says, "Joe, we both loved baseball all our lives, and we played minor league ball together for so many years. Please do me one favor, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's baseball there."
Joe looks up at Moe from his death bed," Moe, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Moe is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Moe, Moe."
"Who is it?" asks Moe sitting up suddenly.
"Moe, it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice.
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Moe.
"The good news," Joe says," is that there's baseball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. And better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. Best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired."
"That's fantastic," says Moe. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"
"You're pitching Tuesday."
