That is funny. I have even a better one, that is also a true story. I only hesitate because I feel like I'm making fun of my mother, but yet was hilarious.

Keep in mind, this was probably in the 1950's, when most, or not many women drove. My mother was probably in her 30's or so when she first got her driver's license. My father taught her and practiced driving with her, etc. I guess I'm implying things "were different" (in defense of my mother).

Anyway, mom finally got her license and was glad to be able to go to the grocery store and run errands, etc. One day, at the dinner table, which was always family time and we'd discuss the day, more or less. My mother tells my father that she went shopping and it started to rain. She said it was pouring so hard that she couldn't see and had to pull over until it let up. My father says, "didn't you turn on the wipers?" My mother gets an embarrassed look and puts her hands to her head and says, "I never thought of it." I admit, we all laughed for quite a while. Even mom laughed at herself.

TIS

That is so funny and God Bless your Ma!
On the subject of Mothers...

I have a pal we call Prints. When you say his name it sounds like Prince but we call him Prints because he used to be a burglar (before he knew better, cough!) and didnt wear gloves. He got caught, had his dabs taken and continued to not wear gloves. Doh! He left so much DNA behind that the British Museum could have made a replica of him!
His Mother had an electronic carving knife which she used for six months without putting a plug on it. Her excuse was that it was sharper than anything else. I remember going there for sunday dinner and thinking, "Wow, that carving knife is really quiet!"

Thanks Dave! I think we all probably have a story or two about our own hilarious blunders hu?

Btw, welcome to the BB!!!


TIS

Thanks TIS
This is a really great place to be!
Dave

Let me add one of the true life jokes to the mix.

When I was in law school, some of us, whose lived a good distance from the school, remained in Boston for Thanksgiving. A girl in my class invited about 10 of us over for dinner because she said she had a 22 lb turkey that could feed an army.

We all arrived, as told, between 2:00 and 2:30 PM. When the last guest arrived, the girl said, "Good. Now I'll take the turkey out of the freezer."

We thought she was joking, but when I saw her holding the wrapped Butterball, I couldn't believe it. Then again, I should have known because I had been there 15 minutes and didn't smell the turkey cooking.

We ended up ordering Chinese.

That's great Klydon!! Thank goodness for take-out food at times like those.

Reminds me of another: Some years back when in the office I worked, my boss came in and tells everyone that he's quitting smoking...cold turkey.

A co-worker who was not originally from the US called me aside and said, "Does he really smoke cold turkey?" I explained what the term meant and she laughed at herself and I couldn't help but join in. I suppose an even more appropriate question would have been, "Why would anyone want to smoke cold turkey?"

TIS

Well, speaking of quitting smoking "cold turkey," let me post a true tale of why I quit (cold turkey), and why it was funny:

I used to smoke a pipe--three bowls of tobacco a day total (on and off during the day). I was pretty content with that amount, in fact I usually didn't finish all three bowls. Then I decided to cut back to 1.5 bowls a day. Uh-oh! I was over my "threshold of craving." Addict behavior set in/ I'd leave conferences every 10 or 15 minutes to get a drag or two on my pipe, open windows and smoke out the window--crazy addict stuff.

One day I was in a conference room at one of my employer's big complexes. I ran out of the room to light up. I didn't notice that I lit up right under a smoke detector. BLAM-BLAM-BLAM!! The alarms went off in all three buildings, and in five minutes, four thousand employees were out on the street, awaiting the disposition of this "emergency." Meanwhile, I'm outside with the rest, trying to conceal the pipe in my pocket. When we were allowed inside (after 25 minutes), two maintenance men were on a ladder outside the door to our conference room. One of them was muttering, "Musta been someone smokin' a cigarette here..."
That's when I decided to quit.

Ha ha!!! That's great TB I can imagine you'll never forget that day and assume you never told anyone you started all the ruckus.


TIS

Hey, TB, at least the sprinklers didn't go off!!!!

Whats all this about Disneyland being closed by health inspectors???
They found a six-foot mouse in the kitchens!!

Haven't heard that story!! It's been years since I've been to Disneyland, but I was always amazed at how clean they kept the grounds, considering how many people walk through every day. If true, I guess you never know.

TIS

Or....is this a joke? Ok, it's early! "Six foot" mouse?? I get it.

Gotcha!

Subject: Fw: sex frogs


A blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs.

The sign says: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Comes with complete Instructions."

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the instructions!"

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what is specified:

1. Take a shower.

2. Splash on some nice perfume.

3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.

4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise nothing happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."

So, she calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over."

Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says, "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

ANGER
MANAGEMENT


Husband: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?"

Wife: "I clean the toilet ....."

Husband: "How does that help?"

Wife: "I use your toothbrush..."

TIS

Very good ones, OWTG and TIS.

Chinese Laundry



A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done
at the local Chinese Laundry,
so she wrote a note and put it in the bag
with the next collection of soiled clothes :

"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

She got the clean laundry back,
and was still dissatisfied with the results,
so the following week she enclosed another note:

"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed,
and when her clean laundry was delivered,
it contained a note from him:

"I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!!
USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!"

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper.
"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?"

"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll."

He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft as a bunny, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll."

Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."

"Give me the No Name," she says.

She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."

"Why?" he asks.

"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take no crap off nobody!"

Keeping on topic:

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."

Mig & SC.. Too funny!

Not sure if this has been here before, but I loved it:


A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.



She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.



One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. His wife said, "Honey, you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said. The wife handed him the card and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted.



On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

How cute!!!


TIS

A masked man walks into a sperm bank, pulls out a gun, and tells the secretary that it's a stick up and to open the safe.

The secretary replies, "You idiot, this is a sperm bank, there's no money in here!!"

The masked man tells her that if she does not open the safe he will shoot her on the spot. Reluctantly, she opens the safe and stands back. There in the open safe are two vials of sperm.

The robber points his gun at the two vials and orders the secretary to drink them both, telling her that if she refuses then he will blow her head off.

As she finishes drinking the second vial the robber takes off his mask. There stands her husband with a huge grin on his face!!

"See Honey", he says. "that didn't kill you, did it?!"

OMG!!!



TIS

Very good, afs and DC.

Sick bastard.

OMG DC!!

You dirty boy you!! Good one DC

A cardiologist died, and was given a funeral service where his casket was placed in front of a large, decorated heart. After the eulogy the heart opened and the casket slipped inside the heart, after which the giant heart closed again.

At that moment the service was interrupted by laughter from a man in one of the rear pews. He said, "I'm sorry, but I'm a gynecologist and was just thinking what my funeral will be like."

That's when the proctologist fainted.

A bum gets on a bus, drunk as a skunk. He sees a nun sitting at the back and staggers over and sits next to her.

"Wow!" he slurred. "What a beauty you are! Get that habit off so I can shag you!"

The bus conductor walks up and drags the bum away. "That's Sister Mary", he explains. "She rides this bus every day. You can't talk to her like that, she's a fucking nun!"

"Yeah, but she's the finest piece of ass I've ever seen. I want her" replied the bum.

"Okay", says the bus conductor. "You didn't hear this from me, but if you go to the graveyard on Wednesday at midnight, you'll see her by one of the graves praying for the Holy Ghost." The bum thanks the conductor and anxiously waits for Wednesday night. During that time, he finds a discarded white sheet and cuts two holes in it. On Wednesday at midnight, he walks into the graveyard and sure enough, there's the nun praying at a grave for the Holy Ghost.

"WOOOOOO!", cried the bum, trying to be as ghostlike as he can. "I am the Holy Ghost and I want my way with you!"

The nun looks up and is disappointed. "Oh. There you are. Well, trust you to appear at the wrong time of the month. You'll have to take me fom behind."

So as you can all imagine, a lot of in, a lot of out, and even more shaking it all about ensues. Afterwards the bum throws off the sheet and shouts "HA HA! I'm the bum on the bus!"

The nun throws off her habit and shouts "HA HA! I'm the fucking bus conductor!"