That is wrong on so many levels but I can't stop laughing.

Af's sent me this.

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. After ordering their
cornbread and beans, they talk about the latest addition to their junkyard business.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich,
begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?"
The woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her
head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her
dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the
obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe
again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of dat dere 'Hind Lick
Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it."

A hooker goes up to a tramp and says "Would you like a blow job?"
The tramp asks "Will it affect my welfare money?"



...I'll get me coat.

A priest, a rabbi, and a Tibetan monk walk into a bar.

The bartender says "What is this, a joke?"

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over two years, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...

It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very short skirts, and generally provocative clothing.

She would regularly bend down whenever she was near me, and do all she could to deliver a revealing view my way. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her younger sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a dash straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all of them clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

A colonel in the French Foreign Legion was given command of an isolated outpost in the middle of the desert.

On his first day, he had his sergeant show him around. He noticed that there was a solitary camel tied up behind the enlisted men's barracks. "Sergeant," said the colonel, "what is that camel doing there?"

"Well sir," came the reply, "the men are out here in the desert for so long, and they have no companionship of any kind. Every once in awhile they get certain natural urges. That's when we make use of the camel."

The colonel was surprised to hear this, but decided that in the interest of morale it would be best to let the camel stay.

Some months later, the colonel felt certain urges of his own that could not be supressed, try as he might. He ordered the sergeant to bring the camel to his quarters. Once there, the colonel set upon the beast with lusty vigor.

After the deed was done, the colonel saw that the sergeant was still standing at attention in the doorway - in his haste he had neglected to dismiss him.

"Well, sergeant," said the colonel, trying to appear as dignified as possible under the somewhat awkward circumstances, "isn't that the way the men usually do it?"

"Not exactly, sir," came the reply. "They usually ride her to the brothel in the nearest village."

I heard a variation of that one a few years ago but that one is funnier.

A rich guy and a working class guy are drinking at a bar.

The rich guy says "I bought my wife a Mercedes yesterday, and a Rolls Royce. The Mercedes to use around town for shopping, and Rolls Royce to go to high society functions and places like that.

The working class guy says "I bought my wife a pair of carpet slippers and a vibrator."

"Oh yes?" asked the rich man.

"Yeah," confirmed the working class guy. "If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself."

Two friends are talking about their boyfriends.

Cathy: "Why is it that when I brush my tongue with my toothbrush while brushing my teeth I gag. But when I give my boyfriend oral sex I don't"?

Debbie: "I guess the toothbrush is bigger".

Nice one, Beth.

Story of Ralph & Edna

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said,"Edna, I have good
news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry." "How soon can I go home?"

TIS

Thanks, TIS. That's a good one!!

Good one TIS!

How many rednecks does it take to realize that we need better gun control laws ?

Oops, that's not a joke.

Great joke, TIS. I'm definitely going to use it .

Oh My!

Why Mr Cardi!

ROTFL

LOVE IT!! OBSESSED WITH THE GODFATHER

I believe Paul McCartney, as part of the divorce settlement, is giving Heather Mills a plane.

He's buying her a Braun Ladyshave for the other leg...

And a can of varnish for the other.

A Priest and a Rabbi

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other
on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and
asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our
laws." The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I
did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with
his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain
celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a
part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained
silent, thinking, for about five minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the shit out of a
ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

Very funny, TIS. That's a riot

Clapping

It sure does!...LOL..LOL...

Either way, someone got porked.

Good one TIS!

SC----You are just Too Funny!

Closing sermon words
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

Middle aged man is driving his car along a country road when he spots a police car roaring up behind him, lights flashing, siren shrieking. He pulls over.
The cop runs over to him and says, "Hey, your wife fell outta the car more than ten miles back."
"Oh, thank goodness!" the guy replies. "I thought I was going deaf."

Good jokes everyone!

Here's one I just received in my e-mail:

BLACK PANTIES

Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Karen says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replies: "Mum! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Cat skills.
Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties; he in his
birthday suit.

Looking at her he asks: "Why the black panties?"

She replies: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knows he's not getting lucky that night.

The following night the same scenario.

She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his
birthday suit, except that he is wearing a black condom.

She looks at him and asks: "What's with the black condom?"

He replies: "I want to offer my deepest condolences."