XDCX... ROTFL
ROTFL

Fwd: That one right Now!

Bloke out walking his dog. The dog casts a look up at his owner, and the owner lets it off its leash. It runs up to a wall, puts its paws on it, flattens itself against the wall and takes a piss.

A man walking past observes this and remarks "Bloody hell, that's amazing!"

"Aye", replied the dog's owner. "He's been that way ever since the garden wall fell on him."

On the first day of school, the children brought
gifts for their teacher.

The florist's son brought the teacher a
bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the
teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box

The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.
She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop
and asked, "Champagne?.

"No," said the little boy..
"It's a puppy

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.." She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?"

She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."

If you're not sure what a 710 is click here.

Penguin is driving his car on a very hot day when he notices steam coming from under his hood. He pulls into the first gas station he spots and asks the mechanic to take a look. Mechanic tells the penguin he'll need about a half-hour to diagnose the problem. The penguin spots a Ben & Jerry's ice cream store down the block. Hot and tired, the penguin waddles off to get a big ice cream cone.
After a while, he waddles back to the gas station, licking his cone, to inquire about the problem with his car. "Looks like you blew a seal," the mechanic says. "Naw," replies the penguin, "it's just the damn ice cream melting."

I saw that one coming.

This is one you may not get straight away...

A guy walking down the street, decides to drop into his local pub. He opens the door, steps inside and slips on a pile of dogshit in the doorway. After overcoming the understandable wave of embarrassment at everyone's stares, he walks to the bar, orders a pint of beer, sits down and starts supping it.

The door opens once again and a big hulk-built-like-a-brick-shithouse muscleman walks in and slips on the same pile of shit.

The guy with the pint says "Ha ha, I did that."

A skeleton walked into a bar and told the bartender, "Give me a beer and a mop."

A dyslexic guy walked into a bra.

What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic?

A guy who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.

Ha ha ha!! Good one!!!


TIS

For some reason, SC's post in the "This Day in History Thread" reminded me of this:

Jesus came upon a mob of people and realized a loud commotion was taking place. "My brothers and sisters," He said. "What is all this about?"

A man answered, "Rabbi, this woman is a sinner. We must stone her."

Jesus stood before the crowd, lifted his arms, and replied in a firm voice, "Let anyone without sin cast the first stone."

At that moment a brick came flying from the crowd and hit Jesus squarely in the head. Rubbing His head, Jesus said, "You know, Mom, sometimes you really make Me mad."

I have heard that one before, but it's a goody...haha.

What's got 90 balls and fucks rednecks and old people?

Bingo.

What does a redneck divorce and a tornado have in common?



Either way someone's losing a trailer.

A bloke is on trial in court. The judge says to him, "You are charged with battering your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom shouts "You lousy bastard!"

The judge continues, "You are also charged with battering your daughter to death with a hammer."

The same voice from the back shouts "You complete shithouse!"

The judge says to the heckler, "Well, this can't go on. Come here! I can understand you being upset about this case, but any more outbursts and I shall find you in contempt of court. Now what's the idea?"

The heckler says "Well, your honour, I lived next door to this bastard for twenty years. Every time I asked him if I could borrow a hammer, he said he hadn't fucking got one!"

Okay, are you in the mood for a pretty lame joke? The best I can come up with right now.

The Frog

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some
collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, " There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(you're gonna love this)





The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)


TIS

Boy, that's an oldie but a goodie. I think I was in high school when I first heard that one.

(Yes, they did invent jokes way back then.)

I'm just amazed that you can remember back that far.

I'm amazed that I can remember that far back but can't remember what I had for breakfast.

OK.... a Russian guy and his wife are walking down a street in Moscow when the skies open up and it starts precipitating.

The guy says to his wife, "Look Natasha, its raining".

She replies, "Nyet, Rudolph, dis sleet".

He counters with, "Nyet, dahlink, dis rain"!

She answers, "No, Rudolph, I'm telling you its sleet"!

He: "No, no, Natasha, its RAIN"

She: NYET, Rudolph its SLEET"!!

He responds with ....

.

.

are you ready?

.

.

"No, Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear".

Where is Partagas with all his old jokes?

Where is Partagas, period?

[Collective groan]

That joke, as far as I'm aware, hasn't made it across the Atlantic. Nice one, TIS!

Did you hear about the village idiot who bought a condom? He put it on backwards and went.

Paul, that's a good one. You know the one with the piece of paper that says, How do you keep an idiot busy for hours? Read other side. Then, on the other side, it says the exact same thing.

So, my husband's in a meeting that was held by the CIO and other senior management of his company, right after massive layoffs and outsourcing in the IT Dept. This was supposed to raise the morale of the workers that were left, and the officers of the company told them that any questions could be written on the index cards handed out and submitted anonymously.

Jokingly, my husband took his card and wrote, "How do you keep a CIO busy for hours? Read other side" on both sides of his card. Well, somehow, one of his co-workers inadvertently started to pass it up to be read. My husband almost turned into a contortionist to get that card back!

That is so stupid its funny!!!

Yeah, that's pretty funny. Like a dog that's so ugly it's cute...haha.

I went to the dog pound the other day. I asked them "Do you have a blind dog for my mother-in-law?"

They asked "Don't you mean a guide dog?"

I said "No, a blind dog. If it sees her, it'll go for her fucking throat."