Those are great OWTG! I have heard a few of them before, but it's amazing isn't it? I, for one, would be particularly pissed off after shoveling that snow only to have someone else take my spot.

This is kind of funny"

Subject: Grandmothers Don't Know Everything!

Little Tony was staying with his Grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when 2 people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken back, but she decided to just tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling"

Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you."

TIS

Very funny list. This, as you all probably know, still constitutes armed robbery.

The Darwin Awards are my favorite! Usually they involve liquor, guns and at least 3 men, though! No offense!!

The one about the boy with the head injuries from being hit by a train reminds me of a man that Mr. Babe used to work with. The man had a prosthetic arm. Turns out that the guy used to walk to work, taking a shortcut along the train tracks. He would carry his boombox on his shoulder and listen to music on the walk in to work. Well, needless to say, with the boombox blasting away in his ear, he didn't hear the train's warning whistle, and the next thing he knew....

This magician performs on a cruise ship. The captain of the cruise ship has a parrot that he likes to take to all the shows. The parrot knows the routine, so during every performance her blurts out, "It's up his sleeve. ". "It's in his shoe". "It's in his hat".

The magician has finally had enough and takes out his gun to shoot the parrot. The bird ducks, and the bullet hits a propane gas tank, causing the ship to blow up into a hundred pieces. The only two to survive are the magician and the parrot. They're drifting along on two small pieces of wood when the parrot says, "I give up. Where the hell's the ship".

You know what Tulsa is spelled backward?

A Slut.

You know what a slut is backward.

$100.

Git R Done!!

A guy goes to a strip club and gets a stripper mad at him because he tipped her with monopoly money.

"That's fake money".

"Well those are fake titties".

Git R Done!!

A man walks into a bar.
What can I say, it was dark.

Two guys walk into a bar.

You'd think one of them would have ducked.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a Game Warden in his boat.

He pulls up along side the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, Isn't that obvious?)
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. "I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

Good one, Beth!
Q. What's the difference, for a married man, between his penis and his bonus?
A. His wife will blow the bonus.

I think I'll keep my mouth shut on that one.

A man buys a parrot and takes her home. Not 5 minutes after he gets home with his bird and puts her in her cage she starts saying, "I'm a slut". This goes on constantly, and he gets quite embarrassed when he has visitors over. After a few days he goes to his local priest wondering if he'll have advice for him.

The priest says he also keeps 2 parrots in his office. His birds hear him say his prayers, and feels maybe his birds will be a good influence on his verbally challenged bird. The man is out of options and decides to give it a shot.

The man brings his parrot in, and the priest leaves Polly alone with his two birds as they're saying their prayers out loud. Within 5 minutes Polly starts saying, "I'm a slut. I'm a slut". One of the priest's parrots chirps to his brother, "Peter, put down your rosary beads and bible. Our prayers have been answered".

A vampire bat fliesup to his pals with blood all over his face!
"where did you get all that blood from?" they all ask hungrily!
"Follow me" the bat says.
So they all fly off,over the river and the lake and the hill,past the spooky castle and into the great,dark wood until they finally stop in a murky clearing.
"Do you see that giant tree over there?" asks the bat pointing to a giant oak on the edge of the clearing.
"Yes,yes,yes" they all chant.
"Well i fuckin did'nt" he says......

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five- day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

Women can wear white T shirts to water parks, too.

Reminder: Put "going to water park with SC" on my to do list.

Hot damn!! (figuring out how long it'll take to drive to Baltimore and then Hershey Park).

ITS WET POM-POM TIME!!

3 1/2 hours from New York to Baltimore. 1.5 hours from Baltimore to Hershey Park. Hell, Six flags is even closer.

Which Six Flags???

Largo, MD.

Received this today. I find it very funny and I'm sure you guys will too.

Finally! The Guys' Side of the Story
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from
the male side. These are our rules!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

2. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

3. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

4. Crying is blackmail.

5. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

6. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question

7. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

8. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

9. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

10. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

11. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

12. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

13. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

14. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

15. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

16. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Aubergine is a vegetable. We have no idea what mauve is.

17. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

18. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.


19. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

20. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

21. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

22. You have enough clothes.

23. You have too many shoes.

24. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

25. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.


TIS

Whats funny about it?? They're all true!

OMG! Great.

"If you think you're fat you probably are"..haha. Ok, I'll know to never ask that question.

You might not have known this, but many non-living objects are actually either male or female.

Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.
TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also, a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES: Female, because they are constantly being looked at and frequently being hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he would be lost without it, and while he does not always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

Mig, those are too cute!!

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance " and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.

"24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?" SC probably would have wanted the answer to this question a few weeks ago.

The only man I know with 3 dozen bath towels. Actually, the only PERSON I know with that many.