Hey... I resemble that remark!

Men are funny!!

When I first started dating my husband he had an apartment. He had exactly one plate, one fork and one glass. He says, "that's all I need."

TIS

And so cutely, too!!

I can't say anthing to that. I'd probably be the same way. That's less dishes to wash.

I had to go to the store and buy more spoons because I think we were literally down to 2 spoons, so we both couldn't eat soup if someone already ate cereal..haha.

When I moved into my first apartment in 1986, I had two bowls (one of which I still have and use to this day). My mother thought I was nuts when I scoffed at her suggestion that I needed a set of silverware - 8 forks, knives and spoons. I had packed one of each.

Mothers are always right.

I too thought that was an absurdity until I realised recently it's the hand that counts the seconds.

An asylum seeker is sitting next to the road side eating grass!
A driver pulls over and says "Stop! Don't eat that. Come home with me"
The asylum seeker says "But Sir,i have 4 wives and 17 children. Can i bring them along too?"
"Fuck off", the driver says,"my lawn is'nt that big".

THINGS TO PONDER…



1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." --Author Unknown



2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children." --Author Unknown



3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that.

It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey



4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." --Jeff Foxworthy



5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." --Dave Barry



6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger



7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"--Paula Poundstone



8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh" --Conan O'Brien



9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."--Lynda Montgomery



10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni



11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."--Johnny Carson



12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --Paul Rodriguez



13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida , but they turned sixty and that's the law" --Jerry Seinfeld



14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson



15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." --Oscar Wilde



16) "Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress.. But I repeat myself" --Mark Twain



17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan." --A. Whitney Brown



18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says,

'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" --Dave Barry



19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken. --Unknown, presumed deceased


20) "Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer." - W. C. Fields

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she to ok the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, 'Business trip or pleasure?'

She turned, smiled, and said, 'Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston.'

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your business role at this convention?'

'Lecturer,' she responded. 'I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'

'Really?' he said. 'And what kind of myths are there?'

'Well,' she explained, 'one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.'

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry,' she said, 'I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.'

'Tonto,' the man said, 'Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.'

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! LMAO That's hilarious!!




TIS

One night, after a couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.

Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.

His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.

The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, "I found the remote."

LMAO!! That's great Mig!!!



TIS

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making Love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset.

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -- faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce!

And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened."

"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

And the husband began -- "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same."

The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, Please ... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

Ha ha ha!! Good one Whsiper!



TIS

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Convent of Silence. The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent convent . You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the convent for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words"

Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed." "I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "we will get you a better bed" After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest, " You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.

"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future. On her 15th anniversary at the convent , the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."

"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.
"It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here."

A married woman passes away. At the funeral home, as the pallbearers are rolling the casket out the door, they bang into a wall. They hear a grunt, and miracle of miracles, the deceased has come back to life.

Ten years later she dies again. As they're preparing to leave the funeral home, her husband says to the pallbearers, "watch out for that fucking wall!"

Two dogs are sitting together in a vet's waiting room. First dog asks the second dog, "What are you here for?" Second dog replies, "It's the end...my mistress has a little one-year-old. The kid was eating a cookie the other day. I was hungry and I couldn't help myself, so I snatched it from her hand, and my teeth cut her--they're gonna put me down! What're you here for?"

First dog replies: "Yesterday, my mistress was takin' a shower upstairs. I wandered into the bathroom, and I caught a glimpse of her steppin' outta the shower. Hoo-eee! I got hot, and next thing you know, I humped her."
"Sounds like curtains for you," said the second dog.
"Nah," said the first dog, "She just wants the doc to cut my nails."

Farmer's wife says to her husband, "why can't you be more like our bull. I've watched and he has sex about 200 times a year."
The husband says, "That may be true, but he does it with different cows."

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

You breathe through THAT?

An E-Mail From My Grandmother

*I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then
it hit me.

* Police were called to a daycare where a
three-year-old was resisting a rest.

* Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was
cut off? He's all right now.

* The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was
Sir Cumference.

* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

* When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

* The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was
a small medium at large.

* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

* A thief fell in wet cement. And broke his leg . He
became a hardened criminal.

* Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be
charged with stalking.

* We'll never run out of math teachers because they
always multiply.

* When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U C L A.

* The math professor went crazy with the blackboard.
He did a number on it.

* The professor discovered that her theory of
earthquakes was on shaky ground.

* The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

* If you take a laptop computer for a run you could
jog your memory.

* A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

* What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead
giveaway)

* A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

* Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

* A backward poet writes inverse.

* In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in
feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

* A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

* If you don't pay your exorcist you can get
repossessed.

* With each marriage she got a new name and a dress.

* Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll
show you A-flat miner.

* When a clock is really hungry it goes back four
seconds.

* The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was
fully recovered.

* A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France ,
resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

* You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

* He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

* A calendar's days are numbered.

* A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint
mine.

* A boiled egg is hard to beat.

* He had a photographic memory which was never
developed.

* A plateau is a high form of flattery.

* When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a
mall.

* When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she
thought she'd dye.

* Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

* Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

* Acupuncture: a jab well done.

* And finally, there was the person who sent forty-two
different puns to his friends, with the hope that at
least ten of the puns would make them. Laugh. No pun
in ten did.

Why did the farmer cross the road????



Because his dick was stuck in the chicken

I received this as an e-mail titled "Red Skelton or Henny Youngman" Some are really funny!!

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas .

3. I take my wife everywhere..... but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"


TIS

They sound like Henny Youngman.

I think it's mixed quotes/jokes from both comedians. Many of them do sound like Yougmen though. We tend to forget how funny some of those one-liners were.


TIS

TIS - I've heard most of them attributed to Henny Youngman.

A major groan to Don Colletti's list...

I just noticed Don Colleti's list. That was so aweful...then I emailed them to friends once I stopped laughing..haha.

Most of them are absolutely hilarious!

And true.

"Most money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine".

I get many of these e-mails from my grandma and thought this one had to be shared purely based on how corny they all were.