Little boy crying in the local store.
Man says to him "What's up son?"
The little boy replies "I cant find mummy"
The man says "What's mummy like?"
And the boy replies "Big cocks and Miller lite".



an London girl was in a car crash in NY city
paramedics came dragged her out noticed she was hurt and bleeding...
he asked "where ya bleeding from "
She replied, “I’m from North London!”


Two prostitutes from essex were standing on a street corner.
One says to the other, "Have you ever been picked
up by the fuzz?" The other replies, "No, but I've
been swung around by the tits!"


Little johhny is in his sewing class when he catches his finger on the needle and starts crying.
"whats up Johnny"? asks the teacher.
"Can i have a glass of cider"?
"Why" asks the curious teacher.
"Cause everytime mummy gets a prick in her hand,she puts it inside her"


Was in an Indian restaurant the other night and the waiter came over and asked "Curry Okay"
I said "Oh go on then, just one song then fuck off"

Meds:

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and
generic name.

For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen.

Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin.
And Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts,it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin,
Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

>Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form,
and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a
mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of
"cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and
Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should
be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections
and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. “Hello?”

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

“Yes," whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, “No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" “Yes."

"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered,”No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

“Yes," whispered the child, “a policeman ".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

“No, he's busy ", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

“A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, “The search team just landed a helicopter."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... "Me!”

Why God Created Animals

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"
Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him & loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."

And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't give a hoot one way or the other.

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your cock is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?


'Hold my purse.'

Is it in?

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five dollars!"
The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from.

The little girl replied, ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree.

The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties."

''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.

The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"

The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."

The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is...''

Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today.''

ROTF

Is THAT it?

Two teenage boys are lined up for confession. The first one goes in and the second one hears the priest yelling at the other kid. Five minutes go by and the first kid comes out all flushed and nervous. "What happened in there?" the second boy asks.
"I confessed that I had some pictures of naked women in my room, and Father O'Malley says I have to say an entire rosary for penance."

"Wow, that's harsh. I wonder wht he gives for a blow job?"

The first boy says "Ten dollars and an ice cream cone."

...

Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.


Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
A. You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won't call you a week later

This came via E-mail today:

*************************

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners. Read them carefully. Each is an artificial word with only one letter altered to form a real word. Some are terrifically innovative:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people, that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The Bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

8. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

10. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

11. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

12. Glibido: All talk and no action.

13. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

14. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the lot:

17. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

I resemble that remark!!

Good ones, SV! Thanks for sharing.

The same four guys play golf every saturday for twenty years. One afternoon on the eighteenth hole, they can see the road, and there is a funeral procession going by. One of the golfers pauses, and tips his cap towartd the procession. Later at the 19th hole over drinks one of the other golfers tells the guy that he thought it was a nice gesture tipping his hat. The reply was, "Well, that's the least I can do...that was my wife's funeral."

Oh my God!!! That's awful!! Ha ha ha!!!!


TIS

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

Why are pirates so mean?

They just ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

ROTFL

Great ones, DS and Longneck - I'm still laughing!

Here's one from long ago:

Quite a while back, a Peace Corps volunteer was sent to a remote area in Africa to work with local villages, particularly, to help the people master English.

One day, as the volunteer and the tribal chief were walking through the countryside, the chief was practicing this new language. The young man pointed to running water, and the chief said, "That is a stream." When he noticed a group of youngsters having fun, he said, "Children are playing." And so it went.

When the two reached a secluded spot they came upon a man and woman in the throes of passion under a large tree. The chief turned to the volunteer with a puzzled look. "Er...man riding bicycle!" said the flustered Peace Corps worker.

Suddenly the chief hurled his spear toward the pair and immediately killed the man.

"What did you do that for?" gasped the young man.

"Man riding my bicycle!"

Pat and Mike went on a trip to Nova Scotia to hunt moose. They chartered the trip where they would be flown to a remote location, shoot their moose, and contact the guide, who flies back, loads the moose, and flies them back to civilization.

After a full day of hunting, the pair had shot six moose, and contacted their guide, who flew promptly to their location. The guide looked at the six moose and told Pat and Mike, "Sorry fellas. There is a two moose limit per person. I don't have room in my plane for six moose, two passengers and myself."

The hunters were insisting that they be allowed to leave with the six dead moose. Pat said, "Come on. Last year Mike and I shot six moose and we were able to fit them in the plane>" Mike added, "And the plane was no bigger than yours."

The pair was so persistent that the guide relented. As the three men struggled to squeeze the beasts into the plane, the guide kept saying,"It's just not safe." After much labor six dead moose, two hunters and a guide were jammed into the plane that slowly took off over miles of forests. With the weight of six moose the plane sputtered and swayued. After a few minutes, the engine choked, and the plane nosedived and plunged into the side of the a mountain.

Pat and Mike struggled out of the wreckage with the guide. Pat asked, "Do you know where we are?"

Mike replied, "Not far from where we crashed last year."

A woman in the kitchen is making breakfast. Her husband enters the room and is stands right behind her. "Watch out, its too hot, put more butter in there, you never use enough butter....put some salt in it....more salt... and pepper...you are stirring it all wrong, your going to break them!"

Exasperated, the wife says "why are you carrying on like this? Don't you think after all these years I don;t know how to fry eggs?"

He replies "I know you can fry eggs, but I just wanted to make you feel the way I feel when I am driving."

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and
during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not
know sex," he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to
do it properly."

She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. "Here," she said. "You
must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then
gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for
what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and
screamed, "What did you do that for?"

"Tarzan check for bees."

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds
of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was
greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big
gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at
the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing
negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind
him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate
love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him
a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange
juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring,
he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that
we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Fuck him,
give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

...Good One Longneck!