THE ASTRONAUT FARMER (2006) - ***

Years back, the dudes who scripted AMERICAN PIE had a hot comedy script called GUAM GOES TO THE MOON where a failed NASA astronaut, forced to work carnivals as the Space Man (suit and all), gets a second shot at going to space when the tiny American island-protectorate of Guam decided to launch its own moon program.

The hero falls in love, and is in dispute with the chief of NASA, who wants to ground him and Guam's DAIRY QUEEN-technological wonder.

The script was never produced (despite good word of mouth) and now we have THE ASTRONAUT FARMER, which beat-for-beat sounds exactly just like GUAM GOES TO THE MOON (failed astronaut, wears space suit around, gets vagina, Government trying to stop him, redemption), except its a serious drama with Billy Bob Thornton, and not a silly comedy.

Maybe thats why the movie burned this side of Apollo 1 in theatres. The idea of a low-budget rough neck-operated space rocket probably would have been bought by more people if it was a comedy, but as an inspirational drama? I still remember the laughs at a theatrical screening when its trailer was played.

Which is a shame, because its actually a decent movie. I feared that in such a movie, we would get the obligatory inspirational-garbage like the "Domestic Fight," the "Doubter's Day," and "The Speech."

What are they?

"Domestic Fight" - Where Hero fights with spouse and/or children. Whatever the shouting means anything is irrelevant. Hacks use this to create "drama."

"Doubter's Day" - When the hero's biggest critic has his moment to shine on how he is right. Basically an excuse to allow the audience to WANT the hero to succede just to kick this douchebag's ass.

"The Speech" - The hero gives a speech why he must fight on.

THE ASTRONAUT FARMER has all 3, but for once in such an "inspirational movie" (or any Jerry Bruckheimer-produced sports drama), they actually have their purposes.

The hero's teenage son doesn't hate daddy because of teen-angst-emo crap, but adores him. The wife only gets mad because he lied to her about the family financial situation with the bank. The douchebag might have a point.

Oh, and the speech the hero gives........actually has a relevant point. Billy Bob Thornton, a member of the Baby Boomer generation that grew up with the Space Race, how by 2007 we would be on Mars, get flying cars, and eat food-pills.....only to grow up to see Fall Out Boy ruling the airwaves.

I feel bad for him.

Anyway, the movie's problem is that its a nice and fuzzy 3rd Act of a better movie. Imagine following this failed NASA astronaut through some 30/40+ year epic journey of his to make it to space. See as he scours the junk yard for his rocket. "Borrow" (ok, steal from dumpsters) of ancient NASA space equipment, try to figure out how to get the right fuel mix to reach orbit, how to train for all the dangers of space travel with a super low budget, how to get funding*, you name it.

Meanwhile, he would have gotten married, had kids, and still working on this epic quest of his. He succeeds, and thumbs in the eye of the uninspired NASA, make the lazy aerospace contractors look stupid, make the Feds look idiotic, and who knows, inspire a second massive global jump into space**.

Oh well, we still get a decent, feel-good movie that isn't cheap with the feel good or the cliche-crap that such movies think are a requirement these days.

*=The NASCAR-inspired idea isn't bad, but why didn't anyone buy ad-space on the rocket? Even if Thornton blew himself up, at least Coca-Cola would be the face of bad rocket-fuel making.

**=Look at the Virgin Airlines-funded Aerospace One and the private sector's current race to space. China successfully launched its own manned-space program a few years back. India is threatening, while we Americans are more interested in drunk astronauts and their bizarre diaper-wearing love triangles.