I saw bits of an infomercial for some old Johnny Carson clips and Rodney Dangerfield acts.

One joke from Johnny:

"A woman was arrested for giving sexual favors for spaghetti dinners. The lady did not want money, just a spaghtetti dinner. Technically doesn't that maker her a pastatute?"

Rodney:

"I get no respect at all. I know I'm ugly. Last year for halloween my wife dressed our kids up as me.

"I asked my father why doesn't he take me to the zoo. He said if they want you, they'll come get you."

If she gave sexual favors for canned pasta would she be a SpaghettiO-ho??

Mama Mia that's a spicy-a-meatball.

I've got some catching up to do on this thread. I missed some good ones. Anyway, while I do that, here's a funny joke I just got in my e-mail.


Its hell getting old

An 80-year old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "Chuck, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

Chuck replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, POOF! the light goes on. When I'm done, POOF! the light goes off. " WOW, That's incredible" the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Chuck's wife.
"Helen," he says, "Chuck is doing fine! But I had to call you as I am in awe of his r elationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and POOF! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done POOF! the light goes off?

"Oh my Word!" Helen exclaims.
"he's peeing in the refrigerator again!


TIS

Good one, TIS.

That kind of reminded me of one.

Two older priests and a young priest go for a day of fishing on the lake. They get in the boat and are in the middle of the lake when the oldest of the three says, "I forgot my bait in the car." He promptly steps out of the boat, walks across the surface of the lake, gets his bait, and walks back to the boat across the lake's surface.

A moment later, the other older priest announces that he left the sandwiches in the car. He also walks across the surface of the lake and back in order to get the sandwiches.

The young priest then stands up and says he had beer in the car that he was going to get. He steps out of the boat and plunges deep into the lake.

The first priest turned to the second and says, "Gee. We should have told him where the stones are."

Ha ha!!!! That's cute Kly!!!


TIS

This guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine.
Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."
The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?"
The guy says, "I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"

I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....
Scared the shit out of me.

So that's it!

After today, no more reading

Turn the sound on.
The Big One

How smart is your Right Foot?

Just try this. It is from an orthopedic surgeon...........

This will boggle your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but, you can't. It's preprogrammed in your brain!

1. WITHOUT anyone watching you (they will think you are GOOFY......) and while sitting where you are at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.

Your foot will change direction (If it doesn't you have a neurological problem)!

I told yo u so!!! And there's nothing you can do about it!

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep!"

"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

(Rednecks know how to git-R-dun)

If your idea of talking during sex is, "Don't worry. There ain't no cars coming"...you might be a redneck.


You mama's so fat she has a real horse on her polo shirt.

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger double wide) So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.

The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me -- I don't want to go deaf!"

So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . .", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand . .

Man walks past a shop and spies a sign in the window.
"PIES:50p / HANDJOBS:20p"
Full of surprise he goes in and approaches the attractive young lady behind the counter.
"would you be the girl who gives out the handjobs for only 20p?" he asks
"Why yes" she replies with a coy smile.
"Well make sure you wash your hands" he says"cos i want a pie"

Got this e-mail today. Of course I can't prove these were actual comments made to the doctor, but there are some good lines here.


Comments by patients during Colonoscopies

Colonoscopies are no joke, A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

8.”Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!”

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."

13. "Should I smile for my Kodak Moment?"

And the best one of all...

14. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"


TIS

This is only part of a hilarious e-mail I received today. It's too long to post it all.


I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts . Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

TIS

A little boy is in court for a custody trial. His parents abuse him, so the judge has to decide where to place him.

Judge: "It appears the parents are unfit, so this court is awarding custody to the grandparents".

At this time the boy starts crying hysterically and causing havoc.

Boy: "No judge you cant' do that. You don't understand. My grandparents beat me worse than my parents".

Judge: "I have quite a dilema. I was not aware of this fact. I'll have to think of another solution. In the short term, temporary custody will be given to the aunt and uncle".

Again, the boy starts crying and is very emotional.

Boy: "You cant' do that either. My aunt and uncle beat me worse than my grandparents.

Judge: "Oh my. This situation is very dire. This calls for drastic measure.

The boy thinks a minute and says. "Give me to The Baltimore Ravens. They don't beat anybody".

Love it!

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to
choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store
operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase
as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or
may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the
building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the
door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

"That's nice", she thinks, "but I want more."

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have
a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor
exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the
Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the
street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Ha ha ha!!!!! Very funny!!


TIS

Why did the 3 wise men smell like smoke?

Because they came from a far.
_____________________

How you you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

What is the difference between a rooster and a lawyer?

A rooster clucks defiance.

SMART ASS ANSWERS:


SMART ASS ANSWER #5 -- A flight attendant was stationed at the

departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended

her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #4 -- A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'


SMART ASS ANSWER #3 -- The cop got out of his car and the kid who

was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said. The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2 -- A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, 'Low Bridge overhead.' Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.'

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006 -- A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'



Two bonus extras: A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, 'May I have 50 Christmas stamps?'

The clerk says, 'What denomination?'

The blonde says, 'God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.'

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight 's damn near perfect.'

He never heard the shot....

Ha ha ha!!! Hilarious


"I guess you have to write the exam with your other hand"

"your eyesight is damn near perfect.



TIS

Glad you liked it!
LOL....I liked that one too!!

Two guys are in the Port Authority Bus Terminal in NYC, traveling to Pittsburg. First guy says he'll buy tix for both. He walks to the ticket counter, where the clerk has her back to him. As she turns around, he's stunned by her huge, er, endowment.
"Yessss..." she says.
"Uh-uh-uh...two pickets to Titsburg," he stammers, then runs away, too embarrassed to continue.

Second guy takes up the task. He walks up to the counter, the gal turns around, his eyes pop out, and he mumbles, "Uh-uh-uh...two pickets to Titsburg." He, too, retires, much discomfited.

At that rate, the guys are never gonna get to Pittsburg. So they spot a minister in clerical garb and ask him to buy the tix. Sure, he says.

He goes to counter. The clerk turns around. "Two tickets to Pittsburg," he states, handing over the cash clearly and confidently. She smiles and gives him the tickets. He leaves, then suddenly turns back, remembering he needs change for the pay phone.

"And by the way, can you give me two nipples for a dime?"

Two guys are in the Port Authority Bus Terminal in NYC, traveling to Pittsburgh. First guy says he'll buy tix for both. He walks to the ticket counter, where the clerk has her back to him. As she turns around, he's stunned by her huge, er, endowment.
"Yessss..." she says.
"Uh-uh-uh...two pickets to Titsburgh," he stammers, then runs away, too embarrassed to continue.

Second guy takes up the task. He walks up to the counter, the gal turns around, his eyes pop out, and he mumbles, "Uh-uh-uh...two pickets to Titsburgh." He, too, retires, much discomfited.

At that rate, the guys are never gonna get to Pittsburg. So they spot a minister in clerical garb and ask him to buy the tix. Sure, he says.

He goes to counter. The clerk turns around. "Two tickets to Pittsburgh," he states, handing over the cash clearly and confidently. She smiles and gives him the tickets. He leaves, then suddenly turns back, remembering he needs change for the pay phone.

"And by the way, can you give me two nipples for a dime?"