An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000", the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

Guy's having his first physical since he retired. Doctor examines him, then tells him, "Everything looks fine to me, except for one thing: Your penis has an unusual orange hue." "Yeah, I noticed that, too," says the guy.

Doctor goes through a bunch of possible scenarious for the orange penis, but the patient keeps shaking his head. Finally, the doctor says, "Well, how have you been spending your days since retirement?"

Patient replies, "I eat Cheetos and watch porn movies."

Ha ha ha ha!!!!

TIS

I have a funny story surrounding the first time I heard this joke. A colleague from my office a few years ago returned from a day of hearings and told me that Judge Jones told him a funny joke, and proceeded to tell me this joke.

The following week I bumped into Judge Jones, who asked me how my weekend was. I smiled and said, "You know me. I spent it with a couple bags of Cheetos and a pile of porn tapes." He kind of smiled, and moved on.

I returned to my office, saw my friend, and told him what I had said. He looked a bit uncomfortable when he then said, "Did I tell yopu that Judge JONES told me that joke? It was Judge SMITH."

I heard that same joke except with Dora The Explorer instead of porn tapes lol


Not for nothing Klyd, I rally hope that names were changed in your story to protect the innocent..

Absolutely.

Clapping
:lol:..Just TOO fUNNY!

RISQUÉ RIDDLES >>

>>Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

>>A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

>>

>>Q. What's a mixed feeling?

>>A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

>>

>>Q. What's the height of conceit?

>>A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

>>

>>Q. What's the definition of macho?

>>A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

>>

>>Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

>>A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

>>

>>Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?

>>A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

>>

>>Q. Why is divorce so expensive?

>>A. Because it's worth it!

>>

>>Q. What is a Yankee?

>>A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

>>

>>Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?

>>A. They both like a tight seal.

>>

>>Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?

>>A. Their balls are just for decoration.

>>

>>Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and " aaaaaaah"?

>>A. About three inches.

>>

>>Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?

>>A. The grip.

>>

>>Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

>>A. It's not hard.

>>

>>Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

>>A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

>>

>>Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

>>A: 45 pounds.



>>Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

>>A: 45 minutes.

>>

>>Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

>>A: Breasts don't have eyes.

>>

>>Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

>>A. The swallow.

>>

>>Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

>>A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

>>

>>Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

>>A. They don't have balls to scratch!

>>

These are great!!!

Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.



Q. What's the definition of macho?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy. (ouch)

TIS

This is hilarious!


Subject: Mood Ring

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be
able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a
big f__king red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

Dumb ass!


TIS

ROTFL

NOT FUNNY!

*rubs forehead*

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've
never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

'So what do you think about that Doc ?'
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

'I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.'

One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.'

'As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as ifit were his favorite hunting rifle
and went 'bang, bang'.'

'Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that?' asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, 'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of
rounds into that beaver.'

The doctor replied, 'My point exactly.'

Florida Retirement Home Joke:

How do you get an 80 year old woman to yell shit?

You get another 80 year old woman to yell Bingo.

Two old men go to an escort service house. The madam asks them what they want. They say women. She asks, "How old are you?" They say 90.

So she tells one of the girls to take them upstairs and put each of them in a room with a blow up doll. So they go upstairs and do their thing.

When they come back downstairs the first old man asks the other "How was it?" The other one says "I think she was dead, she just layed there, how was yours?"

"I think mine was a witch."

"A witch?"

"Yeah, I bit her on the tit, she farted and flew out the window."

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent.

The doctor says, I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.

The next week the lady goes back. Doctor, she says, I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts although still silent stink terribly.

The doctor says, Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing.

Three men had a very late night drinking Guiness. They left in the early morning hours and each went to their home. The next day, they all met for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker the night before. The first guy claims that he was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks." The second guy said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped it around the first tree I saw. And I don't even have insurance!" The third guy proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my wife, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!" The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first guy spoke out again, "Listen, guys, I don't think you understand... Chunks is my dog."






One day Mom was cleaning her sons room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his Father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. So she asked him, "What should we do about this?" Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."





Two dwarves pull two girls and take them home. They both get the girls into their rooms but the first dwarf can't get it up and to make things worse all night he can hear the second dwarf shouting "Here I come again.. 1 2 3 uuh.." The Next Morning the first dwarf says to the second dwarf "How embarrassing I couldn't even get an erection" The second dwarf says "You think thats bad i couldn't even get on the fucking bed!"

On their way home after celebrating their 25th anniversary, she thanks him for a wonderful evening.

Oh. it's not over yet, says he. Once in the house, he gives her a little black velvet box.

She opens it in anticipation, But what are these two little pills?

Aspirin, says he.

But I don't have a headache, says she.

GOTCHA!!!

Thanks Af's.

A penguin is driving in his car one warm summer day when it starts misfiring badly. He pulls into a service station and explains the symptoms to a mechanic. The mechanic tells him it'll be about a half-hour until he can diagnose the problem. "OK," says the penguin. "I see an ice cream shop down the street. I love ice cream...think I'll get a big vanilla cone while I wait."

The penguin waddles off for his ice cream and returns to the service station a half-hour later, licking up the dripping remnants of his vanilla cone.

"Looks like you blew a seal," the mechanic tells him. "Nah," replies the penguin, "it's just the melted ice cream..."

Ha ha ha ha ha!! LMAO



TIS

ROTFL

WAY TOO FUNNY!

WAY WAY TOO TOO FUNNYFUNNY

I love that joke but better than reading it from Turnbull, click on the below link to see 'him' telling it live ....

Penguin Joke

Hilarious -- is the monkey tending bar a spitting image of Jerry Stiller or what

THE BEST!

Seniors on a Little Road Trip


While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the
table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around -- in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the husband became the classic grouchy old man. He
fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her -- the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her . "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card!!"

TIS

Clapping