Speaking of old geezers:

Elderly couple are driving in a car on a deserted road. After a while, a police car comes roaring up and pulls the car over.

"What is it, Officer?" asks the driver.
"Your wife fell out of the car 10 miles back," the cop says.
"Oh, thank goodness--I thought I was going deaf," replies the driver.

That was great.

TB,

That is great. My father will love that joke. He's always, even afer 66 years of marriage, calling my mom the "ol ball & chain." His kind of humor for sure.


TIS

Thats a good one Turnbull!

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

Aging test:

1970: Long Hair
2000: Longing for hair

1970: The perfect high.
2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund.

1970: Keg.
2000: EKG.

1970: Acid Rock.
2000: Acid Reflux.

1970: Moving to California because it's cool.
2000: Moving to California because it's warm.

1970: Growing pot.
2000: Growing pot belly.

1970: Douglas Street bridge.
2000: Dental bridge.

1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children.

1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

1970: Seeds and stems.
2000: Roughage.

1970: Popping pills, smoking joints.
2000: Popping joints.

1970: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
2000: Our president's struggle with fidelity.

1970: Paar.
2000: AARP.

1970: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
2000: Being caught by Hustler magazine.

1970: Killer weed.
2000: Weed killer.

1970: Hoping for a BMW.
2000: Hoping for a BM.

1970: The Grateful Dead.
2000: Dr. Kevorkian.

1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
2000: Getting a new hip joint.

1970: Rolling Stones.
2000: Kidney stones.

1970: Being called into the principal's office.
2000: Calling the principal's office.

1970: Screw the system!
2000: Upgrade the system.

1970: Peace sign.
2000: Mercedes logo.

1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.

1970: Take acid.
2000: Take antacid.

1970: Passing the driver's test.
2000: Passing the vision test.

An man learns he is going to die within weeks. He summons his only heir, his son who is about 30 of his condition and thn he says," I have never told you this because I did not want to spoil you during your childhood, but I am worth 200 million dollars. I want you to use the money wisely, settle down and live a good life."

The son is stricken by this, and he decides to show his father he will settle down tells a woman he's been dating that he wants to marry her before his father dies to show that he has setled down. He also tells her "You'll never want for anything because when he dies I will be inheriting $200 million." She tells him
she'll think it over.

Two days later he goes to visit his father, and his girlfriend opens the door. "What are you doing here?" he asks. "I'm your new stepmother," she replies.

Lesson? Women are better than men at estate planning.

Woman walks into her bedroom and finds her husband in bed with a sheep. Husband looks up and says, "This is the pig I sleep with when I'm not with you." Wife says, "That's no pig, its a sheep."
Husband says I wasn't talking to you."

That was fantastic.

Did you hear about Michael Vick's new shoe endorsement deal?

He now endorses "Hush Puppies"!

Well, I've heard of Michael Vicks but don't get the joke.

Wait, I do know him. The guy who bet on the dog fights.


Still, believe it or not, I have a sports joke. Ok, it was sent to to a lot of people at work. Now, keep in mind this is the West Coast so there is obvious bias here.

Four football fans; a Packers fan, a Giants fan, a Chargers
fan, and a Patriots fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves his team more.

The Cheese Head insists he is the most loyal. 'This is
for the Pack!' he yells, and jumps off the side of the mountain.

Not to be outdone, the New York fan shouts, 'This is for the
Giants!' and throws himself off the mountain.

The San Diego fan is next to profess his love for his team.
He yells, 'This is for everyone!' and pushes the Patriot fan off the mountain.

Go Chargers!!

TIS

> THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES
>
> Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car
> and 3 kids each for six weeks.
>
> Each kid will play two sports and either take music or
> dance classes.
>
> There is no fast food.
>
> Each man must take care of his 3 kids; keep his assigned
> house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects
> , cook, do laundry, and pay a list of 'pretend' bills with
> not enough money.
>
> In addition, each man will have to budget in money for
> groceries each week.
>
> Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends
> and relatives, and send cards out on time.
>
> Each man must also take each child to a doctor's
> appointment, a dentist appointment and a haircut appointment
> He must make one unscheduled and inconvenient visit per
> child to the Urgent Care (weekend, evening, on a holiday or
> right when they're about to leave for vacation). He must
> also make cookies or cupcakes for a social function.
>
> Each man will be responsible for decorating his own
assigned house, planting flowers outside and keeping it
> presentable at all times.
>
> The men will only have access to television when the kids
> are asleep and all chores are done.
>
> Each father will be required to know all of the words to
> every stupid song that comes on TV and the name of each and
> every character on cartoons.
>
> Each man will have to make an Indian hut model with six
> toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old
> to eat a serving of peas.
>
> Each man must adorn himself with jewelry, wear
> uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, keep their nails polished
> and eyebrows groomed. The men must try to get through each
> day without snot, spit-up or barf on their clothing.
>
> During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure
> severe abdominal cramps, back aches, and have extreme,
> unexp laine d mood swings but never once complain or slow down
> from other duties. They must try to explain what a tampon is
> for when the 6-yr old boy finds it in the purse.
>
> They must attend weekly school meetings, church, and find
> time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a
> similar setting.
>
> He will need to read a book to the children each night
> without falling asleep, and then feed them, dress them,
> brush their teeth and comb their hair each morning by 7:00.
> They must leave the home with no food on their face or
> clothes.
>
> A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each
> father will be required to know all of the following
> information: each child's birthday, height, weight, shoe
> size, clothes size and doctor's name. Also the child's
> weight at birth, length, time of birth, and length of labor,
> ; each child 's favorite color, middle name, favorite snack,
> favorite song, favorite drink, favorite toy, biggest fear
> and what they want to be when they grow up.
>
> They must clean up after their sick children at 2:00 a.m.
> And then spend the remainder of the day tending to that
> child and waiting on them hand and foot until they are
> better.
>
> They must have a loving, age appropriate reply to, 'You're
> not the boss of me'.
>
Oh and they each have a 30 hr a week job!

> The kids vote them off the island based on performance. The
> last man wins only if...he still has enough energy to be
> intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.
>




> After you get done laughing, send this to as many females
> as you think will get a kick out of it and as many men as
> you think can handle it.
>

He must also make cookies or cupcakes for a social function.

Mig, they should have added, "after being told about it at 10 pm"

Great concept! I'd watch that!

Exactly!!

A nurse was going past an old mans room in the nursing home and heard him crying. "What's the matter?" she said.

He said, "My peter died."

She told him she was real busy and would come back later. Well she forgot about him and went home. The next day she came to work and saw him walking down the hall with his peter hanging out and swinging. She said, "What in the hell are you doing?"

He said, "My peter died. "

She said, "I know that but what are you doing with it hanging out?"

He said. "Today we are having the viewing."

Mobster's son:

Dad, everybody at school calls me a mobster!

Ok son. Don’t worry. I’ll go and talk to them.

Dad, make it look like an accident.

Old lady Elsie takes her dear old deaf husband Bert to the Doctors for his check up!
Doctor tells Bert he needs a urine sample,a semen sample and a stool sample!
"What did he say?" Bert yells at Elsie
"He wants your underpants dear", she replies

Good ones.

Beth, Yours reminds me of one from long ago:

Boy: Mommy, Mommy. All the kids say I look like a werewolf.

Mom: That's nonsense, dear. Now comb your face and go to school.

What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?


Spoiled Milk.

A New York City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike", the cop said, "did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep", the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.

Gotta love those New Yawkers.

That's what I've always said.

After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed that a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he.

"I don't understand," he complained to God. "I devoted my entire life to my congregation."

"Our policy here in heaven is to reward results," God explained. "Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?"

"Well," the minister had to admit, "some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time."

"Exactly," said God, "and when people rode in this man's taxi, they not only stayed wake, they even prayed."

How true. Except in Terre Haute, IN where the cabbies go the speed limit and let little old ladies cross the road and stop at yellow lights to run up the meter.

I prefer big city cabbies. It's always worth the ride. Like a rollercoaster.

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,
Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and
pulled Jim out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act,
she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good
news and bad news. The good news is you are being discharged. Since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another, you have a sound mind.
The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the
bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am
so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?"

After the big Super Bowl party, Doug figured he better spend some quality time with his wife. He climbs upstairs, walks in the bedroom and crawls into bed.

"Alright honey," he says, "Give me a play you want me to run."

"How about foreplay?" his wife replies.

"What's the foreplay?" says Doug.

"You know," the wife says, "It happens before the two minute warning."

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort , he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife . Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."

GOOD ONE

I can't stop laughing at these. So simple.

The mobster was on trial, facing a possible life sentence, but his lawyer bribed a juror to hold out for a lesser charge. After hours of deliberation, the jury returned a verdict carrying a maximum of ten years in prison.

Afterwards, the lawyer approached the juror. "You had me worried! When the jury was out so long, I was afraid you couldn't pull it off."

"I was worried too!" answered the juror. "The others all wanted to acquit him!"