This explains everything...



On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

A woman tried to murder her husband by poisoning him with anti freeze!
Although he survived he was left blind,deaf and with only 10% movement left in his limbs.
He refused to press charges though because on the up side he said he did'nt feel the cold much anymore......

A young boy and his father were in a store when they walked past a rack of condoms. Being a
curious young lad, the boy asked his father, "What are these things daddy?" His dad said,
"Condoms son." The boy asked, "Why do they come in packs of 1,3, and 12?" The dad replied,
"The packs with one are for the high school boys, one for Saturday night, the ones with three
are for the college boys, one for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and the ones with twelve in them
are for the married men, one for January, one for February, one for March...."

Man walks into a bar,he is the only one in there apart from the bartender.
He orders a drink and has a sip. He hears a little voice say
"Ooh nice tie sir,lovely colour,really goes well with that nice suit you're wearing".

Man looks around,startled. The barman is out the back and there is nobody else around. He shakes his head and has another drink. He hears the voice again
"Ooh nice shoes sir,well polished,lovely soft,Italian leather that fit your feet perfectly"

Man looks around again. He is still the only one in the place.He thinks he may be going mad. Has another drink,hears the voice again.
"Ooh sir,have you lost weight,you look great,your clothes fit you well and you look so healthy"

The man has had enough,as the barman comes back to the bar he asks him about the voice,where it is coming from seeing as they are the only ones in the bar.
"oh yes", says the barman,"that will be the nuts on the bar talking to you mate".
"Nuts!",exclaims the man,thinking he has gone nuts.....
"Nuts?" he says again.

"Yes mate" says the barman "they are complimentary you know"

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was
sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of
the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling
each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in
his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate
enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do,'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all
eternity?' persisted Satan

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.

'Nope,' said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'

The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'

Miss Beatrice, the church organist,
was in her eighties and
had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and
kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on
her and she showed him into her
quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while
she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old
Hammond organ, the young
minister noticed a cut glass
bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water,
and in the water floated,
of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and
scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his
curiosity about the bowl of
water and its strange floater,
but soon it got the better of
him and he could no longer resist.

Miss Beatrice, he said, I wonder if you
would tell me about this? pointing to the bowl.

Oh, yes, she replied, Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ,

keep it wet and that it would prevent the
spread of disease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.

Man walks into a grocery store and buys one pie,one egg,one apple and one can of beer!
"I bet you're single?" asks the shopkeeper.
"How did you know that?" asks the man.

"Cos you're an ugly bastard!" says the shopkeeper.

I will be telling this joke often this weekend.

Three lady friends were discussing the men in their lives. One had a boyfriend,one was a mistress and the other was married. They all agreed to dress up in sexy black basques,suspenders,stilettos and wear little black masks in order to give their men a treat.
The next day they compare notes. The girlfriend said "My boyfriend called me the love of his life and we made passionate love all night long".
The mistress said "My man was struck dumb but we had wild sex all night long".
The wife said "My husband came home,took one look at me and said 'hello Batman,whats for dinner?'

...Love it!

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.

That is probably the worst joke that I have ever read.

Q. How do you turn a duck into a famous soul singer?


A. Put it in the microwave till its bill withers.....

[groan]

It took me about three takes to get that one.

THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES

Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and

3 kids each for six weeks.

Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes.

There is no fast food.

Each man must take care of his 3 kids; keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, and laundry, and pay a list of 'pretend' bills with not enough money.

In addition, each man will have to budget in money for groceries each week.

Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends and relatives, and send cards out on time--no emailing.

Each man must also take each child to a haircut appointment.

He must make one unscheduled and inconvenient visit per child to the Urgent Care.

He must also make cookies or cupcakes for a social function.

Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house, planting flowers outside and keeping it presentable at all times.

The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.

The men must shave their with jewelry,wear < STRONG> uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, keep fingernails polished abdominal cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or slow down from other duties.

They must attend weekly school meetings, church, and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting.

They will need to read a book to the kids each night and in the morning, feed them,

If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over again for the next 18-25 years eventually earning the right To be called Mother

I could live with most of these.

You from New York?
Signs You're from New York

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.

2. You secretly envy cabbies for their driving skill.

3. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.

4. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

5. The homeless are invisible.

6. The subway makes sense.

7. The subway should never be called anything prissy, like the Metro.

8. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.

9. You think $7.00 to cross a bridge is a fair price.

10. You've considered stabbing someone just for saying "The Big Apple".

11. Your door has more than three locks.

12. You go to a hockey game for the fighting. In the stands. To participate.

13. Your favorite movie has DeNiro in it.

14. The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.

15. You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.

16. You call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a yard.

17. You complain about having to mow it.

18. You are a skee-ball juggernaut.

19. You consider Westchester "Upstate".

20. You cried the day Ed Koch took over for Judge Wapner.

I love the "you can tell your from....." jokes. There's always a few that are "inside jokes" exclusive to those who actually live there.

I don't know why $7.00 to cross a bridge is considered fair.

NYers don't like the term Big Apple? Evidently not, if it makes them wanna stab someone.

You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual Well....it does doesn't it???


TIS

Just to be fair, I'll slam my homies too.

Welcome to Baltimore

* First you must learn to pronounce the city name.... It is Bawl-mer or Ball-tee-more, depending on if you live north or south of Rt. 40.
* Next, if your road map is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one. If it is a Howard County map and is a day old it is already obsolete.
* On Monday you don't wash your clothes, you warsh them. Before you eat a meal you don't wash your hands, you warsh them in wooder.
* Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere, Baltimore has its own version of traffic rules...."Hold on & pray."
* There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Baltimore ... we all drive like that.
* All directions start with... "The Beltway...."....which has no beginning and no end.
* The morning rush hour is from 6am to 11am, the evening rush hour is from 1pm to 7pm... Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.
* If you actually stop at a yellow light you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot. When you are the first one on the starting line, count to 5 when the light turns green before going to avoid crashing into all 5 drivers running the red light in cross-traffic. However, if you don't go as soon as it turns green, you get the finger, a blowing horn, or both.
* Construction on I-97 is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment. Interesting that it's called an "interstate," it runs only from the Beltway to Annapolis. Opening in 1992, it has been torn up and under re-construction ever since. (Does former Gov. Glendenning have any relatives who build highways?)
* All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase "Oh, we're in GLIMBURNIE!"
* If someone actually has their turn signal on it is probably a factory defect.
* Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators.
* All old ladies with blue hair and Buicks have the right of way. PERIOD
* All roads mysteriously change their names as you cross intersections.
* A trip across town (north to south) will take a minimum of four hours, although the tunnel does have, on occasion, more than one lane open. But never on holiday weekends.
* The minimum acceptable speed on the Beltway is 85mph, anything less is considered downright sissy.
* The Beltway is our daily version of NASCAR.
* If the humidity is 98+ and the temperature is 98+ it's May/June/July/August/September.
* If it is 10 degrees, it is Orioles Opening Day.
* If it is 110 degrees, it is opening day at Ravens Stadium.
* If you go to a football game, pay the $75.00 to park in the "Ravens Lot." Parking elsewhere could cost up to $7500.00 for damages, towing fees, parking tickets, etc.
* If some guy with a flag tries to get you to park in his yard during Preakness ... run over him! It's probably not his yard anyway.

Oh yeah... Welcome to Baltimore, Hon!

A dirty old vagrant walks into a jewellers store,lays on the floor and starts picking at his backside and moaning!

The shop assistant is mortified
"Stop that and get out you filthy old tramp!" she yells at him.

"You want to make your minds up" yells the scruffy hobo and points at the sign in the window which says

"Please come in and pick your ring in comfort"

You Baltimorons are about to get slammed with t-storms.

I can feel the first punch coming now. The thunder clouds are rolling in.

It's my turn to dis Ohio.

You know you're from Ohio if...

1. You don't think of Florida first when someone mentions Miami.

2. You snicker when someone's from Tiffin, because you think of the State Hospital.

3. You think Pro football teams are supposed to wear orange!

4. You've heard of 3.2% beer.

5. Schools close for the state basketball tournament. Deer season, too.

6. You're proud of your state fair, but would rather go to Cedar Point.

7. You know all the 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter, and Construction.

8. You live less than 30 miles from some college or university.

9. You know what a buckeye really is, and have a recipe for candy ones.

10. "Toward the lake" means "north" and "toward the river" means "south."

11. You've heard of the Great Nickel Beer Night Riot.

12. You know if other Ohioians are from southern or northern Ohio as soon as they open their mouths.

13. You root for a college team though you've never taken a class there.

14. You can spell words like Cuyahoga, Olentangy, Bellefontaine,and Tuscarawas *(Wapakoneta?) and you know which letter is doubled in "Cincinnati."

15. You always visit more than two amusement parks in one summer.

16. You know that Serpent Mounds were not made by snakes.

17. You know what game they're playing when the Mud Hens take on the Clippers.

18. "Vacation" means spending a day at Cedar Point or King's Island.

19. You measure distance in minutes.

20. Down south to you means Kentucky.

21. Your school classes were canceled because of cold.

22. Your school classes were canceled because of heat.

23. You've ridden the school bus for an hour each way.

24. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

25. You know what's knee-high by the Fourth of July.

26. You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example: "Where's my coat at?"

27. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

28. You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.

29. You carry jumper cables in your car.

30. You know what pop is.

31. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

32. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

33. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie.

34. The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires 6 pages for sports.

35. You think that deer season is a national holiday.

36. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

37. You thought that the Michael Stanley Band was the most popular band in the country.

You actually understand these jokes then forward 'em to all your OH friends!!

3.2% beer? Good ones Mig.

Here's New York part dos.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM NEW YORK CITY WHEN...


* You think Central Park is "nature."

* You're paying $1,200 for a studio the size of a walk-in closet and you think it's a "steal."

* You've been to New Jersey twice and got hopelessly lost both times.

* You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the U.S. pay in rent.

* You go to dinner at 9 and head out to the clubs when most Americans are heading to bed.

* You have 27 different menus next to your telephone.

* Going to Brooklyn is considered a "road trip."

* America west of the Hudson is still theoretical to you.

* You're suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you.

* You take a taxi to get to your health club to exercise.

* Your idea of personal space is no one actually standing on your toes.

* $50 worth of groceries fit in one paper bag.

* Your doorman is Russian, your grocer is Korean, your deli man is Israeli, your building super is Italian, your laundry guy is Chinese, your favorite bartender is Irish, your favorite diner owner is Greek, the watch seller on your corner is Senegalese, your last cabbie was Pakistani, your newsstand guy is Indian and your favorite falafel guy is Egyptian.

* You run when you see a flashing "Do Not Walk" sign at the intersection.

Strange Maryland facts.

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
Maryland: If it weren't for Washington, you couldn't find us

Dumb Maryland Laws
# Thistles may not grow in one's yard.
Baltimore
# It's illegal to throw bales of hay from a second-story window within the city limits.
# It's illegal to take a lion to the movies.
# It is a park rule violation to be in a public park with a sleeveless shirt. $10 fine. This would include joggers that go shirtless. (1898)
# No person who is a "tramp" or "vagrant" shall loiter in any park at any time. They define tramp as a person who roves for begging purposes and a vagrant as an idle person who is able-bodied living without labor. It's a $50 fine. I guess the tramp would have to beg for the money to pay the fine. -Park Rule 6
# It is a violation of city code to sell chicks or ducklings to a minor within 1 week of the Easter holiday.
Baltimore City
# Though you may spit on a city roadway, spitting on city sidewalks is prohibited.
# You may not curse inside the city limits.

Columbia
# You can not have a antenna exposed outside of your house yet you can have a 25' satellite dish.
# Though clotheslines are banned, clothes may be draped over a fence.

Ocean City
# A law from the early 1900's prohibits men from going topless on the Boardwalk. (Repealed)
# Eating while swimming in the ocean is prohibited.

A businessman walked into a New York City bank and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan.

The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.

Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $15.41.

The loan officer said, "We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?"

The business man replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?"

Why did the fisherman cross the road?

Just for the halibut.