Mother of a bright kid visits his class during Open School Week. Teacher praises the kid to the skies, then invites Mom to observe his study habits through a one-way mirror in the classroom. She watches the kid studying his schoolbooks intently. About every 10 or 15 seconds, he sticks his index finger in his mouth, then taps the finger on his brow.

When the kid returns home that day, Mom says she's very proud of his good grades, etc. But, she wonders, "Why do you always stick your finger in your mouth and then tap your brow?"

"I'm following your advice," the little boy replies.
"What advice?" asks Mom.

"The other night I was passing by your bedroom door. I heard you say to Daddy, 'Make the head wet, it'll go in better.' "

Fourth Marriage

A woman, married three times, walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color are you looking for?"

The bride to be said: "A long frilly white dress with a veil."

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"

"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first time bride.

You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding; he died as we were checking into our hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."

"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk?

"That one was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened..."

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the

Man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the

Husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body

Because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate

Some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body

That the doctor felt was suitable would have to come

From her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they

would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they

requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After

All, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was

completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.

He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his

Friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful

Beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was

overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear,

I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.

How can I possibly repay you?'

'My darling,' she replied,

'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother
kiss you on the cheek.'

Mental Hospital Phone Menu

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital. Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell You which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, hang up. It doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. But Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons. You'll just mess it up.

Quote for the day:"Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So - if you give her any crap, you will receive a ton of shit." Love and appreciate all the women in your life.

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, 'Jesus is watching you.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, 'Jesus is watching you.' Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot. 'Yep,' the parrot confessed, and then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you.' The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?' 'Moses,' replied the bird. 'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?' 'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

A woman is receiving the results of her annual check up from her doctor. After h tells her that everything checked out fine, the woman asks if she can get some advice about a problem her husband is having. The doctor asks what is it, and she replies, "He constantly talks in his sleep." The doctor says there is an easy cure for that. "What is it?" she asks. The doctor says, "Give him a chance to talk while he's awake."

ANNOUNCEMENT

Here's some good news: Start saving your money ladies.


Apple CEO, Steve Jobs, announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.

The iBoob will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.

This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

TIS

You Know you're Italian if...

You have a nonna.

You eat Sunday dinner at 2:00

You know what a rice ball really tastes like.

Your car has a green red and a white bow with a horn attached on the mirror!

You know the words to Dominick the Donkey!

On Christmas Eve you eat only fish

Your favorite slow song: Ti Amo

"Fuhggettaboutit"

The Godfather is your role model

You love Nutella...anytime...

Your nonna's meat balls are the best

You always dress to impress

You always gotta have a clean pair of Fila's

You love Versace, Gucci, Prada, Armani, just cause there Italian.

Favorite movies: Godfather, Good Fellas, Bronx Tale, The Last Don... and you live by them.

Guys gotta respect their women...or else...

You've been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at you by either your mother or your nonna.

Pasta, pasta, pasta everyday.

Your father owns 5 houses, has $300,000 in the bank, but still drives a 76 Monte Carlo.

You share a bathroom with your 5 brothers, have no money, but drive a $45,000 Camaro or Firebird.

Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant and travel agent are all blood relatives.

You consider dunking a cannoli in an espresso a nutritious breakfast.

Your 2 best friends are your cousin and your brother-in-law's brother-in-law.

You are a card-carrying V.I.P at more than 3 strip clubs.

At least 5 of your cousins live on your street.

All 5 of those cousins are named after your grandfather.

A high school diploma and 1 year of Nassau Community College has earned you the title of "professor" among your aunts.

You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.

If someone in your family grows beyond 5'11", it is presumed his mother had an affair.

There were more than 28 people in your bridal party.

You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.

At some point in your life, you were a D.J

30 years after immigrating, your parents still say "Pronto" when answering the phone.

You have ever been in a fight defending Sly Stallone's thespian greatness.

Somewhere on your parents' property, there is a bathtub Madonna.

You build your house with 3 materials.... brick, brick and wrought iron.

You have at least one sister that went to Beauty School.

Clothes from the Chess King will actually fit you.

It is impossible for you to talk with your hands in your pockets.

Have been to a funeral where talk of the deceased is, "He shoulda kept his big yap shut."

You have many relatives named either Joe or Mary...

You grew up in a small house, but you still had two kitchens. (One was in the basement)

Your grandfather had a fig tree

You've always wanted a red Ferrari

Connie Francis songs makes you cry

At least one person in your family does a great impression of Don Corleone

You feel strangely comfortable when you sit on plastic-covered furniture

You know all the words to "That's Amore"

You are offended when the wedding you attend serves less than 9 courses despite the fact that you don't eat half of it.

You ask "How much for cash?" when buying but will accept 'gifts' in exchange for cash when selling.

You are not materialistic but insist a $500 wedding present is nothing.

You think have a concrete backyard is nice.

You think having swans in a big fountain in the front yard next to the veggie patch is tasteful.

You actually believe everyone eats those sugared almonds in the bonboniere at your wedding.

You always have a friend who 'owes you a favor'.

You're proud to be Italian

Very good Santino. Funny you post that now. I just finished watching a PBS special on Italian Americans that's making me very nostalgic.

I can relate to almost all of them.



You have many relatives named either Joe or Mary... This is true, but in my family Tony was a big name. I had a brother and a cousin (named after my grandfather)with that name and I married a Tony who's male first cousins (3) on his mom's side were also "Tony" (named after the same grandfather) Holidays were a lot of fun. If someone said "hey Tony!"

You grew u p in a small house, but you still had two kitchens. (One was in the basement) This is absolutely true. We usually only ate in the upstair kitchen in the winter when it was too cold in the basement.

Connie Francis songs makes you cryJust heard "Mama" on the PBS "special" and brought tears to my eyes.

You feel strangely comfortable when you sit on plastic-covered furniture Not really comfortable, but my mom left the plastic on the living room furniture when I was a kid. I think she finally removed it because it even annoyed my dad.


You know all the words to "That's Amore" Pretty much yea. I made it a point to have it played at my daughter's wedding. It just seemed like a "must."

You are offended when the wedding you attend serves less than 9 courses despite the fact that you don't eat half of it. Not offended. Doesn't really happen these days. I do notice though if I don't get enough to eat. I do remember the looks on my friends faces if they joined us at my grandma's house for the holiday when I was a kid. Ha ha ha Thinking back, it was hilarious. And they thought we were done after the past/sausage/meatballs. Don't know that we'd have 9 courses but at least 5/6. Damn, how the hell we'd eat so much?

This could be a thread on it's own with all the Italian Americans we have here. Lotta fun reminiscing.


TIS

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one:
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.'

Ernie's wife was thinking that he was working too hard at the plant. He worked 12 hours a day and his only diversions were a night of bowling and a day of golf each week.

She decided to treat her hard working hubby with a night at the strip club. When they approached the door, the bouncer said, "Hi, Ernie. Nice to see you." His wife wondered how he knew Ernie and he replied, "That's Jim. He's in one of the bowling leagues."

The waitress stopped by their table and said, "The usual, Ernie?" His wife's eyebrows rose in disbelief, and he hurriedly explained, "That's the same waitress from the golf lounge."

Finally a stripper dropped herself in Ernie's lap and said, "Want the usual lap dance at your favorite seat in the corner?"

At this his furious wife stormed out of the club and jumped into the back of a cab to go home. Ernie followed and tried to explain that she must have her confused with someone else, but his wife was hitting him and screaming and calling him every 4 lettered word in the book.

The cabbie turned around and said, "Gee, Ernie, you really picked up a bitch tonight."

Ernie's funeral is Saturday.

I thought this was funny


Subject: JUST A TAP ON THE SHOULDER


A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped
Him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly
Hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large
Plate-glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still
Shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me..'

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't
Realise a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is
My first day driving a cab...................

I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.

TIS

...Good One!

ROTFL

WOMEN'S REVENGE

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'

An escaped convict breaks into a house and ties up the husband and wife. He jumps on the wife,kisses her ear and then runs into the bathroom. The brave husband leans over to his wife and whispers. "Baby, i saw the way he was all over you just there. You will have to satisfy him. I know its tough but be strong,i will still love you".

The wife glares at him and hisses. "He did'nt kiss me,he was whispering in my ear. He is gay and extremely horny. He is in the bathroom looking for some vaseline. Let's see who is gonna be strong now asshole!"

Hee!! Good one, Yogi.

Priceless. But what do you do if your hair is black?

Did you hear about the prostitute that was into bondage? Yeah, she was strapped for cash.

Hookers are fun. Fun stuff should be legal. Hence Prostitution should be legal.

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leani ng off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good ! How are they treating you?'

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew......
.
.
.

'Bastards won't let me fart.'

When you start off a joke about wheeling out grandma on her 100th birthday, you know it's going to be good.

Farmer borrows his neighbor's bull for stud. He leads the bull to a pasture where his white cow and black cow are waiting. He leaves his 10-year-old boy in charge. "If anything happens, son, you just come runnin' home and tell me."
Farmer returns home, finds the circuit ridin' preacher seated at his table, discussing religion with his wife. He sits down, looks solemn, takes a cup of coffee, when the kid bursts in:

"Hey Dad, guess what? The bull just f**ked the white cow!"
Wife turns crimson, preacher nearly faints. Farmer grabs the kid by the ear and takes him outside. "Now lissen: watch yer language! Go back out to the pasture. If anythin' happens with the black cow, you come back and tell me, 'Dad, the bull just surprised the black cow.' Got it: 'The bull surprised the black cow!' "

The farmer returns to the religious discourse with the circuit-ridin' preacher and his wife. About 20 minutes later, his son comes bursting in:

"Hey Dad, guess what?" the kid yells.
Farmer leaps up: "I know: the bull surprised the black cow!"

"I'll say he did," the kid beams. "He f**ked the white cow again!"

What's Green and sits in the corner?



















A Naughty Frog.

Knock knock....

Who's there?


Control freak.


Control freak who?

Little polar bear says to big polar bear.

"Daddy,daddy.Am i really a polar bear?"

"Of course you are a polar bear son", roars daddy bear. "What could possibly make you think you're not a polar bear? Has somebody been saying something to you?"

"No" says the son, "it's just....."

"Out with it son", roars the Daddy

"I'm fucking freezing cold", says the son.

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or Southern?

Here is a little test that will help you decide
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.
You are carrying a Glock .40 cal, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?

Democrat's Answer
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think? What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on , could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1 ?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing!
I need to discuss with some friends over a latte and try to come to a consensus.

Republican's Answer:
BANG!

Southerner's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG ! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click....
(sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG ! BANG! BANG! BANG! click .
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?"
Son: "You got him, Pop! Can I shoot the next one?"
Wife: "You are not taking that to the taxidermist."

Two little old ladies were attending a rather long Church service.

One leaned over and whispered, “My butt is going to sleep.”

“I know,” replied her companion, “I heard it snore three times.”

A young boy asked his dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?"
"You are my son. I'm confident about that," the father said. "Your friend next door is also my son, but that's confidential."