12 ROUNDS (2009) - ***

(NOTE: This was written weeks back, as you'll obviously detect.)

From the director of DIE HARD 2, the weakest entry of that proud action cinema franchise methinks (though it has its fans) comes his dumbed down, shakey cam remake of DIE HARD WITH A VENGEANCE, villainy plot twist included. I guess Renny Harlin got jealous that someone shot a better DIE HARD sequel (with better franchise-obligatory twist plot-turn) than him, so I can't wait for his own LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD knock-off.

For years WWE Films, the cinema company endeavor of Vince McMahon's professional wrestling empire has produced many low budget would-be theatrical starring vehicles for his sports entertainers (his wanker "legit" term for wrestlers) and they all were awful. Everyone fucking one of them from the pathetic Kane horrorfest SEE NO EVIL to THE CONDEMNED, a mediocre THE RUNNING MAN knock-off with Stone Cold Steve Austin. WWE Films was on path of becoming the Cannon Films of our time, if not already. This filmography of dishonor would also include THE MARINE, which I reviewed some years back and featured WWE's current top superstar John Cena. It was quite a painful myriad of a very bad unimaginative script, an even more bored villainous Robert Patrick, stupid cartoon physics that would appall Michael Bay, shockingly inappropriate humor about child molestation, and ultimately a fatal miscalculation in framing its star. As I wrote in my review,

"John Cena just isn't an automatic explosions-up-your-ass credible action figure like Arnold Schwarzenegger and lacks instant quiet charisma to for the part that's scripted for him like say Jason Statham. Thing is he is graced with a Matt Damon-esque sympathetic face, except placed on top of a tank body frame, a naturally likeable guy with nary a shade of gray complexity to his character. That fact is probably why at WWE events he gets wild cheers from crowds of kids and women, but booed with utter contempt by adult men, despite supposedly playing the hero.

If the movie was built around his strengths instead of ignoring them, perhaps he would have triumphed in spite of this crap."

Well either WWE Films realized this, or they maybe they read my MARINE reivew (ok probably not), but 12 ROUNDS finally utilizes Cena the action hero as much as they possibly can, and subsequently snap the WWE Films Stink Streak. Congrats guys. Now don't let this get to your head, for I'm not saying that 12 ROUNDS is good per say for God knows its simply a miracle that you all actually produced a watchable film. For perspective's sake, you haven't won the Super Bowl, just the Wildcard Round. But it's a start.

But I will gladly prescribe this to my fellow action cinema junkies who need their weekly fix who don't mind rewatching a film they've practically seen before dozens of times (and will again) as long as they get their quota of explosive action sequences, the narrative energy tempo is somewhat consistently strong, the cliches aren't as well painfully cliche, and the stupidity quota is either not too insulting or not so blatant. They'll mostly be happy to hear that this is Harlin's best work since his primetime days of CLIFFHANGER and DIE HARD 2, though when his subsequent output consists infamous flop CUTTHROAT ISLAND, his spectacular failure EXORCIST: THE BEGINNING, and the embarrasing shark flick DEEP BLUE SEA, is that really saying much?

You have your traditional actioneer villain Aidan Gillen, a supposed super-brilliant terrorist (aren't they all?) who Harlin showcases his intelligence with a bromide where the guy is walking by a street chess game, takes over and wins within 60 seconds. Because you see, that chessboard is like an allegory of how Gillen will play Mr. Cena throughout 12 ROUNDS. I'll never listen to it, but I'm pretty sure Harlin will try to impress everyone with how supposedly clever he was on his inevitable DVD audio commentary, so I'm just warning you all. Off-topic, but why is it that only intelligent people (mostly baddies) play chess at the movies? I mean I know chess is slightly more complex than checkers, but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to play it.

Of course the FBI guys trailing Gillen also, in another time-honored action cinema tradition, give a pointless briefing to each other of how evil he is. Apparently bombing an American Embassy wasn't bad enough, for he also decapitated his own brother for botching a weapons deal. I'm sure that Thanksgiving family dinner afterwards was fucking awkward as hell. Anyway, he outsmarts the trap, betrays the crooks whom he got to backstab the Feds, and is driving his way to freedom with his woman when he's confronted by lowly New Orleans uniform copper Cena.

Now maybe I ask for too much or not enough, for I was kinda glad that 12 ROUNDS didn't give into temptation that many actioneers do, which is give Cena an early scene or moment where he exhibits his muscles or whatever. The guy is just a nobody policeman probably having to deal on a nightly basis with parking violations, drunk drivers, and the occassional whacked out naked drug addict. You might even become friends with him at the local gym. He's just a meathead jock who rises to the occasion. Yes Harlin still ripping off the original classic DIE HARD here, but hey I would too. Sure I could ponder how he could run through a neighborhood fast enough to cut off the speeding culprits, but instead I'll bring up a shot where Cena stops the villains by pushing a fishing boat hitched to a truck into their way. Like Schwarzenegger holding that giant log over his shoulder with ease in COMMANDO, I couldn't help but grin at such cheeky absurdity. Sorry.

Unfortunately all this was happening in the middle of the street, so the woman gets accidentally run over. Opps. A year later, Cena gets made a detective for apprehending Gillen, no uniform anymore. I appreciate some touches here, like how instead of being a dickhead egomaniac for pulling off what Interpol and FBI couldn't do for years (imagine if a Portuguese meter maid snatched Osama Bin Laden), he's playing billards with his buddies, lamenting how he got that girl killed even if she was a criminal. Well at least Cena isn't playing a mindless flag-waving dumb American here like he was in THE MARINE. I especially liked how despite his heroics he's still a cheapskate asshole at home who won't call the plumber to fix a broken sink.

I could so see John McClane doing that.

Anyway, Gillen escapes from jail, kidnaps Cena's wife, and makes him play his "12 Rounds" of sadistic terror games to win her back. I loved how this campaign begins when Gillen has Cena's car parked outside bombed, which of course draws Cena out, and then he blows up his house. That's a nice way of fucking with the protagonist's head, and I sure hope he had insurance on both.

Much like DIE HARD WITH A VENGEANCE, Cena and his doomed token black cop partner have to solve riddles, reach destinations in time, all that shit. For example, in a ghetto neighborhood he finds the GPS coordinates of the next target spray painted, which leads to a fire house, where he then has to break into a bank engulfed in flames and unlock specific safety deposit boxes, one which contains a proximity bomb. To disarm it, he has to drive 30 blocks away in 6 minutes (why use a fire truck instead of the faster, better turn-radius government cars?) and then the other box holds phone numbers that...

OK, you get the idea.

12 ROUNDS doesn't win, nor throws in the towel, but prevails barely by split decision. I was pleased to discover myself enaged in my seat for much of the time, whatever that was because it was a John Cena picture from the director of DRIVEN, or because it was raining outside the theatre, I can't tell. Overall It's disposable mindless entertainment, and I wanted to recommend this to general audiences, but I can't due to annoying little details that arise in immediate retrospection.

I mean Cena has to endure alot on this day, yet only gets a slight scratch on his forehead for all his troubles. Buddy, this is a movie, not wrestling! Second, when the head FBI Agent (Steve Harris) is playing with a toy car in stalking Gillen, couldn't Harlin have just left that as a quirky character trait? But noooooo, it had to be a car he found from the wreckage of a plane that Gillen destroyed. I guess it was supposed to redeem Harris for being such a useless obstacle, but who fucking cares? Also I started losing interest by the time of the runaway trolly. At least SHOWDOWN IN LITTLE TOKYO had the courtesy to know to not overstay its welcome.

Better yet, when the pug was believed to be in the house, I thought that was a bizarre touch. I mean how many action movies have pugs exploding? This is the only one I've seen, though I never saw MILO & OTIS. But shit, that little bastard escaped in time, thanks to an obvious frame from a reshoot. I guess that furball could have run his pudgy legs off, yet why am I criticizing that instead of Cena similarly surviving despite being standing mere feet away from both explosions? Finally, does the gag about getting shot in the ass get laughs anymore?

Unlike so many previous WWE top-belt prima donna main eventers from Hulk Hogan to Shawn Michaels to The Rock and whoever, You rarely hear or read anything remotely negative about Cena's behavior or attitudes backstage within insider publications. In fact, he was rather highly respected within that corporation for his dedicated in doing endless appearances, house shows, interviews, and so forth. Hell until he got recently hitched, the industry joke was that Cena was already married to Vince.

Now there is reportedly grumblings from several of Cena's co-workers. Many feel that WWE spent too much effort and time in promoting 12 ROUNDS instead of this year's Wrestlemania pay per view, their yearly Super Bowl revenue-earner. Obviously McMahon seriously thought 12 ROUNDS would be a breakout hit for Cena and WWE Films, but judging from the abysmal box-office numbers, it instead got knocked out.

Supposedly Cena is booked to win back his title this sunday, so he can quickly go back to his dayjob.