(Here's one courtesy of TIS):

A doctor, on his morning walk, noticed an older lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"



"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all."

"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"

"Thirty-four," she replied.

In a pet shop there are 3 parrots for sale,priced at £200,£100 and £10.

A woman wants to know why last one is so cheap? The pet shop owner tells her that it is a poor parrot rescued from a brothel. The woman thinks this is novel and cute and decides to buy it.
When her husband comes home the parrot says to him

"Hello Kevin,haven't seen you for weeks,where you been?"

At 85 years of age, Wally married Anne, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected 'knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one.

All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's
Wally.

Again he is ready for more 'action.'

Somewhat surprised, Anne consents for more coupling.

When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it..... Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action.'

And, once again they enjoy each other.

But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often.
I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally.'

Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Anne and says: .........'You mean I was here already?'


The moral of the story:

Don't be afraid of getting old, senior moments have advantages.

That's great!!!

Did you hear about the 83 year old woman who talked herself out of a speeding ticket by telling the young officer that she had to get there before she forgot where she was going?

It's way too early for jokes, but I couldn't sleep and opened my e-mail. This is a good one though.

Baptizing the Bear

A Priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served
as chaplains to the students of The University of Alabama in Tuscaloosa .
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to
talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't
really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear..
One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would
all go up to the Smokies, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to
convert it.

A week later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has
various bandages on his body and limbs, spoke first.

'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I
found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted
nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So, I quickly grabbed my
Holy Water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle
as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion
and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and
both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory
he exclaimed, 'WELL brothers, you KNOW that WE don't sprinkle! I went out and
I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD!
But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we
began to wrassle. We wrassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another
until we came to a creek. So right quick-like, I DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his
furry soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent
the rest of the day praising to Jesus.'

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of
him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says:
'Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.'


TIS

Yeah, TIS told us allllll about it.

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

Man: "What are you doing here today?"

Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."

Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.

Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"

Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."

LITTLE BOY ON THE BUS

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a

book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little

boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar

like that.'

The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the

Father of many.'

The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two

grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of

hundreds', and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned

over and said, 'Maybe you should wear a condom and put your

pants on backwards instead of your collar.'

A woman comes home from the shops to find her not so bright husband has nailed all her sex toys along the side of the wall.


"You idiot", she yells. "I said i wanted a DADO rail putting up......."

A man is walking through a cemetery when he spots a man at a grave sobbing his heart out.

"Why did you have to leave" he cries!

"I wish you were still here" he howls!

"I wish it could go back to the way it was" he moans!

"Please come back" he screams!

The first man approaches the poor wretch,puts an arm around him and asks in a quiet voice

"Your wife?"

"No", sobs the other man, "her first husband".

Good one Yogi!

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best lay in town!"

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, and the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was sweet!"

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"

Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad,... you're drunk!"

After their 11th child, a hillbilly couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative, ' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in hillbilly country) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'

The hillbilly said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'

'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

'1'


'2'


'3'


'4'


'5'


(you'll love this)

At which point, he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, Florida, West Virginia and Ohio.

Good jokes,fellas

A hillbilly driving down the road in a van gets stopped by the police!

The ploiceman informs the hillbilly that the limit is 70 whereupon he shouts into the back of the van

"Hey y'all,the limit is 70,3 of ya is gonna have to get out and walk!"

How many animals can fit in a pair of pantyhose?

2 calves
an ass
a beaver
a whole bunch of hares
a fish that nobody can find

(courtesy of TIS)

The IRS sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way...

"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS ."

"To the IRS ?" questioned the auditor in disbelief.

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "directly to The IRS ...And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you.."

SC, I loved that joke. Thanks for posting it. I would have if I could get to the BB from work.



Maybe you have to be old to appreciate these, but I love this lady, Maxine.

TIS




MY 1 DAY EMPLOYMENT









So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,
a good find for many retirees,
I lasted less than a day......


About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,
unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids,
yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.


As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
'No, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'


So I replied,
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,
I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'


My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

A man and his wife are attending a party when they spot a loud and noisy drunk propping the bar up. He looks famaliar to the man and he comments on it to his wife.

"Don't you recognise him?" she says. "Thats my first husband. When i left him for you he started drinking and has never stopped!"

"Wow" says the husband. "That was over 25 years ago. Thats a long time to be still celebrating"

Every week for years this foursome play a round of golf at 8:00 a.m. sharp on Sundays. One day a woman who is a member of the club notices that there are only three men playing in the group. She approaches them and asks where the fourth player is, and they solemnly tell her that he died. She espresses her condolences, and then she asks if they would mind if she could join them to make a foursome again. The men stammer a bit and then one says, they are pretty good golfers and they would not want to be slowed down on the course. She assures them that if she can't hold her own she'll quit. They agree to meet the following Sunday, and as she is leaving she says, "By the way there's a chance I'll be fifteen or twenty minutes late," and she walks off. The guys are really upset at this and are grumbling what a nerve she has and how they never should have let her in. The following Sunday she shows up at 8:00 sharp and they go out on the course. Playing from the men's tees she shoots a five under par, and the three men are amazed. The following week she shows up again, this time with left handed clubs, and proceeds to shoot a six under par.
Back in the clubhouse they are having something to eat and one of the men asks her how she got so good, and how could she play both right handed and left handed. She explains that she was ambidextrous as a child, and that her father was a teaching pro who taught her to play lefty and righty at a very young age. Then another of the guys asks how does she decide which clubs to use on any given day. She replies "Well, my husband sleeps on his back, naked. When I wake up I look over at him and if it is leaning to the left I play left handed, and if it is leaning to the right I play right handed." The third guy, who thinks he's funny says,"What do you do if it is standing up straight?" "That," she says, "is when I am fifteen or twenty minutes late."

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?


*gag*

Why do men want their brides to wear white?

Because they want their dishwasher to match their fridge and stove!

Paddy and Margret get married, and after a year she complains that she has never climaxed during sex. Because there is no doctor around, they go to a veterinarian and he tells them that often when cows won't mate he has someone wave a towel to cool her down and relax her. Having heard this, they hire a strapping lad from Dublin to wave a towel in their bedroom while they have sex. It does cool her off, and relax her a little but still nothing. They go back to the vet who proposes that the next time they trade places, with Paddy using the towel. The young man takes off his clothes, and he and Paddy's wife get it on for about three hours with her shrieking over and over as she has multiple climaxes. When they are finished Paddy says to the lad "Now you see that's how you wave a towel!"

A woman comes into a hardware store.

"May I help you ma'am?"

"Yes, please, I need a three inch door hinge."

"Do you wanna screw for it?"

"No thanks," she responds, "but I'll blow you for that clock radio over there."

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender..
"Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered,
"There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

Bono is up on stage with U2 doing a gig at Wembley, when the song finishes he starts to slowly clap his hands and says into the microphone: "Every time I clap my hands a child in Africa dies!"

A voice near the front of the stage shouts to Bono in a Irish accent: "Well stop fucking clapping then!"

A familiar one that I'm sure most women will like.

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating
their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their
table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other
for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the
world with my darling husband.'

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets
for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all
very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm
sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a
wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the
husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards
should remember that fairies are female......


TIS