A primary(grade) school teacher asks her class to use the word fascinate in a sentence but when little Jonny puts his hand up she panics. She has been burned by little Jonny before but when she has a think she realises there is nothing he can do with the word fascinate.

"Go ahead then Jonny", sha says somewhat smugly.

"Well", saya the boy. "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight"!!!!

there was a woman that just went to the store came back home she got some lotion and started rubbing it on her boobs the husband walks in to see what she is doing he says "WHAT ARE YOU DOING" the woman says "RUBBING LOTION ON MY BOOBS" he says "WHY" she says "IT WILL MAKE MY BOOBS BIGGER" he says "MAKE EM BIGGER ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS TAKE A PIECE OF TISSUE PAPPER AND RUB IT BETWEEN YOUR BOOBS" She says "TISSUE PAPER HOW IS THAT GOING TO WORK" HE SAYS Well LOOK AT WHAT IT DID TO YOUR ASS.

A young couple wanted to join the church, the pastor told them, 'We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month.'
The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.

When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed. 'You are back so soon... Is there a problem?' the pastor inquired.

'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month.' The young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.

'Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower.

The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable.

We tried cold showers, Prayers, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts.

Until one afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there.

It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,' admitted the man, shamefacedly.

The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.'

'We know.' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome at Home Depot either.!

A man is walking through the streets at two o'clock in the morning....A policeman stops him and enquires where he's going.
'I'm going to attend a lecture on the evils of drink and its effect on the human body.'
'Who would be giving such a lecture at this time of night?' asks the policeman.
'My wife!' he replies.

Ha ha ha!! Good ones DM.


TIS

pretty good joke

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The triumph of age and experience:

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket.Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time. The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

A group of cultural anthropologists were making their way up the Amazon in search of a tribe to study. In the distance they heard drums.

"What do the drums mean?" one of them asked their native guide.

"Don't worry," the guide replied. "As long as you hear the drums, everything will be OK."

The drums kept up most of the day. Then, just as the boat was about to enter a long tunnel of foliage growing over the water, all the drums stopped.

Alarmed, one of the anthropologists turned to the guide, who was looking quite terrified.

"What happens now?" the anthropologist asked.

"Now," the guide said, "comes the guitar solo."

HOW IS NORMA?
This is hilarious !!

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital.
She timidly asked,
"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said,
"I'll be glad to help, dear.
What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak,
tremulous voice said,
"Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied,
"Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,
"I have good news.
Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well.
Her blood pressure is fine;
her blood work just came back normal and
her physician, Doctor Cohen,
has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."
The grandmother said, "Thank you.
That's wonderful.
I was so worried.
God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied,
"You're more than welcome.
Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said,
"No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302.
No one tells me shit."


(TRUE STORY)

Ha ha ha!! That's cute Mig.




TIS

Not a joke, but a hilarious quote!

My wife said to me,

"Hey we have been married 25 years and i have found something that still fits me from when we first got married!".

"Bugger off", i said, "it's a scarf!"

Ha ha ha! That's cute Yogi.


TIS

Health Warning


I did not know this... When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.
When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.
When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems.
When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.
Apparently, ice is really bad for you. Warn all your friends.

Oh shoot. Does that mean I can't use my ice maker any more?





TIS

I am sorry , sf@stm. I missed this . I will go now and have comfession

And good ones I gotta go back !

Holy Crap I was setting here having one and about spit it all over my monitor.

The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Every man in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

Ha ha ha ha ha LMAO



TIS

I love it good one SC

Someone: Knock knock...
The other one: Who's there?
Someone: Go fuck yourself

Isn't that Joe Peshi's

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Ha ha ha ha ha!!! Very funny!!!

TIS

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"

XDCX keep er up my friend those are good . I wish I could tell em the way you guys do.

God only knows we need this one in the world today !!!!!!!!!!!