Yogi, my friend, this shows you have always been a hoot. love it since 2007

Ha ha ha ha!! Hilarious!!


TIS

TIS, I also pulled this one out of the morgue. Good one I have had that prayer for years, but now days it would be a drag along.

LMAO!! That's great!!



TIS

Yea , I got big balls to 1 in each sock. Ole age sucks !

But if ya can't laugh at yourself don't laugh at others.

A friend gave me a Jehovas witness advent calendar for December!

Every time you open a door somebody tells you to f**k off!!

Someone had to remind me, so I' reminding you, too.

Don't laugh.....It is all true !

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 And heading towards 70 or beyond!

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2.In a hostage situattion, you are likely to be released first.

3.No one expects you to run fricken anywhere.

4.People call at 9Pm (9 AM) and ask, 'Did I wake you?'

5.People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6.There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7.Things you buy now won't wear out.

8.You can eat supper at 4 PM.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.

17. Your sercrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list. And you notice these are all in big print for your convenience.

And the MOST IMPORTANT THING : Never, but Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill, and a laxative on the same night !

Guy goes into a high-end wine and cigar bar and tells the barkeep to give him a snifter of Louis XIV brandy. He sniffs it, rolls it on his tongue, and yells at the bartender, "This is not Louis XIV brandy--it's Louis XIII brandy! Get me what I asked for!"

While the barkeep's busy looking, a guy at the end of the bar decides to have some fun. He drains his brandy, brings the snifter under the bar, and pisses in the snifter. Then he approaches the "expert":

"Sir, I'm very impressed with your knowledge--you're a real connosseur. I wonder if you can help me identify this brandy?"

The hotshot looks doubtfully at the other guy's snifter, sniffs it, rolls it on his tongue, then spits it out. "This tastes like piss!!" he shouts.

"It is," says the other guy, "but whose is it?"

Good one TB

English Pronunciation

What do you call a mixture of orange soda and beer?


A redneck mimosa.

Two blondes were driving to Disneyland. The sign said: Disneyland Left. They started crying & headed home.



TIS

Blondes are easy targets, aren't they?

Signor V.

This is a real-life one:

I was waiting in line at a supermarket yesterday, when an older woman ahead of me gave up her place in line to me because her husband was still shopping. The line was long, so in the process of chatting, she told me that she'd been married to him for 61 years.

Then she finally spotted him. "Over here, honey!" she waved to him. I told her I was impressed that, after 61 years of marriage, she still called him "honey."

"After 61 years, I've forgotten his name," she answered.

LOL That is so cute!!


TIS

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore... a friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband!

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

Ha ha ha!! Good one



TIS

Good job. Nice to see humor. Needs to be more of it in the world.

In ancient Greece, Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.


It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was sleeping with his wife.

Ha ha ha! Good one DM!



TIS

Q: How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Two, once to hold the bulb and another to spin the ladder.

Application for a Gynecologist's Assistant

A man looking for a job went into the Job Center in downtown New York City and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read: "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana."

"Good grief! Is that where the job is?"

"No sir...that's where the end of the line is right now."

As we are all getting older, I would like to inform my friends on new acronyms so we can all understand each other.
ATD- at the doctor
BFF- best friend fell- bring the wheelchair
BYIT- bring your own teeth
FWITW- forgotwhere I was
LMDO- Laughing my dentures out
ROFLACGU- rolling on the floor, laughing and can't get upTTM talk to me louder
T4M- time 4 meds
PMA pissed myself again
SHTTF- shouldn't have trusted that fart.

Went down to Bed Bath and Beyond ! Bought one of those thar shake and weights ! 5 lb's ! $31.95 with tax , brought it home watched the video ! Played with it two days ! Then thought to myself. WTF I can play with myself and so I took it back and got a refund !

Who says Frosty ain't got it together !! LMAO !

But on my mothers eyes , this is true !!!!!!!!!!!

A cannibal was walking through the jungle
And came upon a restaurant operated by a
Fellow cannibal.
Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu....

+ Tourist: $8.00

+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00

+ Fried Explorer: $12.50

+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
"Why such a high price for the Politicians?"
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."