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4 hours ago
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Re: Lets Get Some Jokes!
[Re: Obsessed With The GodFather]
#648365
05/23/12 09:07 AM
05/23/12 09:07 AM
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Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 2,427
Bar Vitelli, Queens, NY
Signor Vitelli
Underboss
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Underboss
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 2,427
Bar Vitelli, Queens, NY
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Confucius says: Man who fart in church must sit in his own pew.
"For me, there's only my wife..."
"Sure I cook with wine - sometimes I even add it to the food!"
"When life itself seems lunatic, who knows where madness lies?"
"It was a grass harp... And we listened."
"Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it? Every, every minute?"
"No. Saints and poets, maybe... they do some."
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Re: Lets Get Some Jokes!
[Re: MaryCas]
#649103
05/29/12 03:50 PM
05/29/12 03:50 PM
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Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 5,455
California
XDCX
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Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 5,455
California
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I think I may have posted this a few years ago, but I still get a kick out of it!
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their famous sketch, "Who's on First?" may have sounded something like this:
Costello calls a computer store to ask about a computer. Abbot answers the phone.
Abbott: Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?
Costello: Yes. I'm setting up an office at home and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
Abbott: Mac?
Costello: No, my name's Lou.
Abbott: Your computer?
Costello: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
Abbott: Mac?
Costello: I told you, my name's Lou.
Abbott: OK then, what about Windows?
Costello: Why? Will it get stuffy in there?
Abbott: No. But do you want a computer with Windows?
Costello: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
Abbott: Wallpaper at first.
Costello: Never mind the windows! I need a computer and some software.
Abbott: Software for Windows?
Abbott and Costello Computer Skit Costello: No! On the computer! I need something I can use to run my business, write proposals and track expenses. What do you have?
Abbott: Office.
Costello: Yeah, for my office. I told you that. Can you recommend anything?
Abbott: I just did.
Costello: You just did what?
Abbott: Recommended something.
Costello: You recommended something?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: For my office?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: OK. What did you recommend for my office?
Abbott: Office.
Costello: Yes, for my office!
Abbott: I recommend Office with Windows.
Costello: My office already has windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to write a proposal. What would I need?
Abbott: Word.
Costello: What word?
Abbott: Word in Office.
Costello: The only word in office is office.
Abbott: You need the Word in Office for Windows.
Costello: Which word in office for windows?
Abbott: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."
Costello: I'm going to click your blue "W" if you don't give me some straight answers. What about bookkeeping? Do you have anything I can use to track my money?
Abbott: Sure, Money.
Costello: That's right. What do you have?
Abbott: Money.
Costello: I need money to track my money?
Abbott: Yes, and It comes bundled with your computer.
Costello: What comes bundled with my computer?
Abbott: Money.
Costello: Money comes with my computer?
Abbott: Yes. No extra charge.
Costello: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much do I get?
Abbott: One copy.
Costello: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
Abbott: We got a license from Microsoft to copy Money.
Costello: They can give you a license to copy money?
Abbott: Why not? They own it!
(A few days later)
Abbott: Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?
Costello: How do I turn my computer off?
Abbott: Click "START."
"Growing up my dad was like 'You have a great last name, Galifianakis. Galifianakis...begins with a gal...and ends with a kiss...' I'm like that's great dad, can we get it changed to 'Galifianafuck' please?" -- Zach Galifianakis
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Re: Lets Get Some Jokes!
[Re: klydon1]
#653729
06/29/12 04:42 PM
06/29/12 04:42 PM
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Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 5,455
California
XDCX
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Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 5,455
California
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Once you figure out what has 4 letters, but occasionally has 12, you're there.  Well I, for one, have figured out what has 4 letters, and occasionally has 12, but also intermittently has 14.
"Growing up my dad was like 'You have a great last name, Galifianakis. Galifianakis...begins with a gal...and ends with a kiss...' I'm like that's great dad, can we get it changed to 'Galifianafuck' please?" -- Zach Galifianakis
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Re: Lets Get Some Jokes!
[Re: Obsessed With The GodFather]
#654951
07/10/12 05:50 AM
07/10/12 05:50 AM
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Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 5,325
MI
Lilo
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Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 5,325
MI
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A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day.
"In English", he said "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such a Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However there is no language in which a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right".
"When the snows fall and the white winds blow, the lone wolf dies but the pack survives."
Winter is Coming
Now this is the Law of the Jungle—as old and as true as the sky; And the wolf that shall keep it may prosper, but the wolf that shall break it must die.
As the creeper that girdles the tree-trunk, the Law runneth forward and back; For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.
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Re: Lets Get Some Jokes!
[Re: Lilo]
#655039
07/10/12 09:17 PM
07/10/12 09:17 PM
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Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 2,427
Bar Vitelli, Queens, NY
Signor Vitelli
Underboss
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Underboss
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 2,427
Bar Vitelli, Queens, NY
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"For me, there's only my wife..."
"Sure I cook with wine - sometimes I even add it to the food!"
"When life itself seems lunatic, who knows where madness lies?"
"It was a grass harp... And we listened."
"Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it? Every, every minute?"
"No. Saints and poets, maybe... they do some."
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Re: Lets Get Some Jokes!
[Re: XDCX]
#655493
07/14/12 09:49 PM
07/14/12 09:49 PM
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Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 25,984
California
The Italian Stallionette
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Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 25,984
California
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Ha ha ha ha ha!! LMAO  That is hilarious!!  Tho I haven't been there in years, Venice Beach can be a source of people watching entertainment too. I was on Hollywood Blvd. a couple days ago with some visiting relatives. We had to park in a lot down a side street. As we got out of our car, Zorro (cape, mask and all) was walking down the street, saying hello as he passed by us. I think (or guessed) he may have been part of the many characters hired to walk down the Blvd. and have pictures taken with tourists. Then again, you never know. There really are all kinds of characters there. TIS
"Mankind must put an end to war before war puts an end to mankind. War will exist until that distant day when the conscientious objector enjoys the same reputation and prestige that the warrior does today." JFK
"War is over, if you want it" - John Lennon
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Re: Lets Get Some Jokes!
[Re: Yogi Barrabbas]
#660886
08/19/12 10:16 AM
08/19/12 10:16 AM
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Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 25,984
California
The Italian Stallionette
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Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 25,984
California
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An English farmer has successfully grown a field full of vibrators!!
However he now has a problem with squatters!! Ha ha ha ha TIS
"Mankind must put an end to war before war puts an end to mankind. War will exist until that distant day when the conscientious objector enjoys the same reputation and prestige that the warrior does today." JFK
"War is over, if you want it" - John Lennon
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Re: Lets Get Some Jokes!
[Re: Yogi Barrabbas]
#660892
08/19/12 11:37 AM
08/19/12 11:37 AM
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Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 22,902
New York
SC
Consigliere
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Consigliere
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 22,902
New York
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An English farmer has successfully grown a field full of vibrators!!
However he now has a problem with squatters!! Sounds like the basis for a movie about nymphomaniacs on a banana ranch.
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