(Is this the right thread?)

Gay marriage and marijuana being legalized the same day. Leviticus 20:13 - “If a man lays with another man he should be stoned.” We've just been interpreting wrong all these years.

Good one.

- Imagine a 6 year old boy playing fetch with his new puppy. Adorable, right? Now, imagine if that little boy had a beard! Whoa...

- A good neighbor is someone that doesn't put a password on their Wi-Fi.

- Trust is like an eraser, it gets smaller and smaller after every little mistake.

All stolen from twitter lol
@ComedyTruth
@autocorrects

XD

My wife has dyed her hair, had botox, had a nose job and a boob job!!!

Yet she keeps telling me i am not the same man she married??

An old man in Miami calls up his son in New York and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. So he calls up his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" and calls her father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up.

The old man turns to his wife and says "Okay, they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."

Ha ha ha ha!!!! Good one SC



TIS

The other day I went to the bank to open a joint account. The teller asked "With whom are you opening this account?" I replied "Whoever has the most money."

The Italian who went to Detroit

One day I ma gonna Detroit to bigga hotel. I go down to breakfast. I tella the waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She bring me only one piss. I tell her I wanna two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna two piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna va bitch! I don't even know the lady and she calls me a sonna va bitch.

Later I go to eat at the bigga ristorante. The waitress she bring me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tell her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand, I wanna fock onna table. She say you better no fock onna table, you sonna va bitch!

So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is a no shit onna ma bed. I call the manager and I tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna shit onna my bed. He say you better no shit onna bed, you sonna va bitch!

I go to the check-out and the man at the desk say...Peace on you. I say...Piss onna you too, you sonna va bitch! I gonna back to Italia!

This ain't a joke but it had me ROTFL anyway. And if it sounds a little dark well I apologize. Two years ago I was driving home and I see this big, big snarling broad getting into a real trash talking jive going right at it with some black Jamaican guy calling each other all the names under the sun you can think of on one of those deadbeat chat shows without the bleeps. I pull over and check it out.

Anyway she huffs and puffs at him like she's gonna blow the house down and jumps up and down like a crouching tiger hidden dragon is about to let loose with some serious shit and attempts to fly kick the guy with dreads but she barely rises her ass off the ground when she begins to fall flat and kicks her heel up before she ends up flat on her ass on the floor like a beached whale kicking up the sand.

Then the Jamaican kicks her when she's down so I holler and ran over with this old Jewish guy coming from another angle and the black guy sped off so to console this crazy bitch the old school Jewish guy slides up to her real slow and just says calmly seriously thinking this will help that a little encouragement will do her the world of good:-
"Don't beat yerself up, it happens. If I would have one criticism it would be the way you tried to take this guy out. Don't take this the wrong way but your trouble was going for da Bruce Lee when you were better built for the sumo. This thing could easily have gone the other way. Now you hadda got that creep in a bear hug you coulda been a coupla cupcakes away from kicking that raggaman to the curb instead "

She stays calm and then explodes, this ain't helping believe me and she roars like a hungry hippo or something. After it was over I offer to drop him somewhere and I says where you wanna be the guy says "Take me to the zoo, I need to be caged away from all these animals around here"

I still laugh thinking about it and it happened nearly two years ago now. He sounded like Rodney Dangerfield or something, real old school LMAO.

I didn't take this picture, but I saw a billboard almost exactly like this the other day when driving to Pasadena, so I know it's not fake!

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created."

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.
The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down.

Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."

Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down.
She wees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?"

"Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel, "but even in Heaven,

A Royal Flush

Beats a Pair, No Matter How Big They Are."

Best laugh I've had in days!


Signor V.

Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?" Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did." She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday. Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left.

Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?" Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?" Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100." "Good," Dave says. "Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."

Husband: Darling i have a problem!

wife: Babes, there is no I in this marriage. We are a team,a unit, in it together till the end. We are a WE, together as one. Don't forget that!!

Husband: Okay darling. Well it seems "we" have got your sister pregnant.....

Ha ha ha ha!! Now that IS a problem. LOL


TIS

UH OH!!

You reminded me of the priest's housekeeper, who told the priest, "Your oven needs to be repaired." The priest constantly reminded her that it wasn't his, but was "ours, the parish bought it for us." he insisted that the property in the home be viewed as "ours," belonging to our parish, not just his.

She finally got the hang of it, but one morning when the bishop was visiting, she ran down the steps yelling, "Father! Father! There's a mouse under our bed!"

That's cute Kly.

Ha ha ha ha!!


TIS

Golf on Christmas Day

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, ‘Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning -- intercourse or golfcourse --'

She said, “Don’t forget your sweater.”

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5kg weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kg as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10kg program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10kg as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25kg program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."

He lost 33kg that week.

Good one, X!

A homely nurse is shaving a guy's groin area in preparation for a hernia operation. She gets halfway through, then runs out the door, laughing.

"What's so funny?" asks the pretty nurse. "This guy's got a eentsy little pecker," says the homely nurse. "Not only that, he's proud of it: he has 'tiny' tattooed on it." "You're kiddding," says the pretty nurse. "No I'm not," says the homely nurse. "Go in and finish the job--you'll see for yourself."

The pretty nurse goes in and comes out 10 minutes later. "Nah, he doesn't have 'tiny' tattooed on his thing--it's 'Ticonderoga NY.'"

That's like the Frankie Boyle joke

“If a man lays with another man he should be stoned.”

Frankie - well it definitely helps in my opinion