FROZEN CRABS AND THE BLONDE FLIGHT ATTENDANT
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer, and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up...so she took them home and ate them.

There are two really great lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are and,

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think!

Cute one, Mig!

Thanks SB!!

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."




TIS

MY GIRL IS SOO STUPID, SHHE THOUGHT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS WAS A BANK!!!! HAHAHA!!!

Confucius say:

Man who eat too many prunes sit on toilet many moons

Man who is jacking into peanut butter jar is fucking nuts

It takes a square ass to shit a brick

Man with five dicks will have pants that fit like a glove

Mothers day comes nine months after Fathers day

Pubic hair is just organic dental floss

The quietest place in the world is the complaint department at the parachute packing plant

A rubix cube is like a penis, the longer you play with it the longer it gets

Just some of my favorites

Here are some jokes I heard in Russia and Italy:

1) Finally Tommaso Buscetta revealed to the judges the names of mafia politicians: Giulio, Cirino, Calogero, Ciriaco….. While the SURNAMES are still clouded in mystery.

2) Putin receives a phone call in the Kremlin:
-Hello.
-It’s the Coca-cola manufacturing company. We have a business offer for you: you change your nation’s flag, by putting the Coca Cola brand on it: white letters “Coca Cola” on a red background, while we pay your country’s debts.
Putin then calls the Prime Minister and asks:
You remember when will our latest contract with the Aquafresh toothpaste company be over?

3) Several people of different nationalities in a restaurant found a fly in their glass of wine. Their reactions:
The one from Sweden asked a for new wine in the same glass
The one from England asked for a new wine in a new glass
The one from Finland took the fly out of the wine and drank it
The one from Russia drank the wine with the fly
The one from China took the fly out of the wine and ate it without drinking the wine.
The one from Israel took the fly out of the wine and sold it to the Chinaman.
The one from the USA sued the restaurant and asked for a 20000000 dollars compensation
The “macho” shouted that wine is a drink for women, stabbed the waiter and asked why don’t they bring him some vodka instead.

4) A survey among different nations: there is a question “tell your honest opinion about the lack of food supply in the rest of the world”.
The Europeans didn’t get what “lack” meant
The Africans didn’t get what “food supply” meant
The Americans didn’t get what “the rest of the world” meant
The Chinese didn’t get what an “opinion” meant
The Italians are still discussing about the meaning of the word “honest”

I don't recall his first name, but his friends called him Yank.

He had a brother called 'Suck' I believe

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10 speed bicycle.

His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase.

So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'

Little Joseph told him, 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.

And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no frigging bike.

Two old Jewish guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.

The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want five loaves." She said,

"My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

The old man says to himself, "I can't believe everybody knows about this stuff but me."

Ha ha ha ha!!






TIS

What's 2 miles long all green and has an asshole every 2 feet????
Ans; the St Patricks day parade

obama enters a dimentia/alzheimers facility and asks a patient there "Do you know who I am???" The patient says "No, but if you ask that nurse over there, she can tell you"

The Italian Golfer


An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, how do you stay in such great physical condition?'

I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'

"'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?'

'Who said my Father's dead?'

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my Nono's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

'No, Nono couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?'

@ LILO

Two racehorses were in a stable. The first one said, "You know, just before the race I won today I felt a pinch in my butt."

The second replied, "That's weird. Just before I won my race yesterday I also felt a pinch in my butt."

A dog walked by and said, "You dopes, don't you know you're being injected with performance enhancing drugs?"

And the first horse said, "Hey, look! A talking dog!"

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed.

Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story - Pay your bloody bills !!!

Guy named Bill walks into a bar......sees his buddy Tom from high school sitting there with 6 empty glasses in front of him. Says hey, what's up? 6 drinks..either you're depressed or you're celebrating.

Tom: I'm celebrating my first blowjob

Bill: Oh, shit...congratulations, let me buy the next round!!

Tom: Don't bother..I've been sitting here drinking for 3 hours and still can't get the taste out of my mouth.

The United States Congress.

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

I heard someone say the other day that Obama is a better President then Bush was! Now that's a good joke!

A new Catholic priest was doing his first turn in the confession booth. A woman walked in and said she had been cheating on her husband. The priest was unsure of what to tell her, so he asked the nearest clergyman what the priest gives for adultery and he was told ten hail Mary's and 5 our father's. Next a man confessed to stealing a TV to buy drugs. Again the priest asked the man what the other priest gave for theft. He was told to give the same answer. Next a man came in to confess to having gay anal sex. The new priest was lost again so he looked for the clergyman. He couldn't find him this time, but there was an altar boy cleaning up after a church function. He asked the boy if he knew what the other priest gave for anal sex. The boy replied '20 bucks and a slice of pizza'

What did the Jewish pedophile say to the kids at the playground?

-hey kids, ya wanna buy some candy?

What did the blond say when she opened the box of cheerios?

With her eyes wide open "Oooh! Look at all the donut seeds!"

Why did 7 not like 8? Because 7, 8, 9

When does a policeman smell?


When he's on duty