I remember the first time I saw a universal remote. I thought "This changes everything!"

<groan>

What do you call a midget psychic who is on the run?

A small medium at large!

A toddler in the local daycare got in trouble during nap time. He was charged with resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa.

A philosopher was at a cafe pondering the concept of existence and nothingness. He called the waitress over and asked for a coffee with no cream. She replied, "were all out of cream, how about one with no milk"

Works for me!


Signor V.

A senior citizen drove his brand new Porsche to 100 Miles/hr. Looking in his rear view mirror, he spotted a police car right behind him. He accelerated to 140 Miles/hr then 150... then 170....Suddenly he thought, I am too old for this shit. So, he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

The officer walked up to him and looked at his watch and said: "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and am taking off for the weekend.. If you can give me a reason that I have never heard before for why you were speeding, I'll let you go."
The man looked very seriously at the officer and replied: "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."
The cop left saying: "Have a good day. Sir!"


TIS

^^^^ That was a good 1!



Might be corny, I'm trying to keep clean ones in here.

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He stealthily crept through the lounge and was stopped dead in his tracks when he heard a loud voice clearly saying, 'Jesus is watching you!'

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
'Jesus is watching you', the voice rang out again.

The thief stopped dead again. He was frightened out of his wits. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a birdcage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot, 'Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?'
'Yes', said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a heavy sigh of relief and asked the parrot: 'What's your name?'
'Ronald', said the bird.

'That's a stupid name for a parrot, 'sneered the burglar.' What idiot named you Ronald?'
The parrot said, 'The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus.'

Ha ha ha!!! Good one.




TIS

Two dogs are in the waiting room of a veterinarian. Dog 1 asks Dog 2 what he's there for. "My mistress's little girl was holding a cookie in her hand," says Dog 2. "I couldn't help myself--I grabbed it away from her and bit her on the hand. They're gonna put me down for sure! What about you?"

"Well," says Dog 1, "my mistress was having a shower and I was in the bathroom. I got all hot and bothered...and I couldn't help myself--I jumped her." "Uh-oh," says Dog 2, "it's curtains for you, too."

"Nah," says Dog 1. "She just wants to get my nails clipped."

Ha ha ha ha ha!!!




TIS

Homely nurse leaves patient's hospital room, laughing. "What's so funny?" asks pretty nurse. "I was shaving that guy's groin for his hernia operation," she replies. "He's got this little pecker--and he's proud of it. Even has a tattoo on his dong that says TINY."

"I gotta see that for myself," says the pretty nurse. "Go ahead," says the homely nurse. "I only shaved half his groin."

The pretty nurse goes in, comes out 15 minutes later. "That tattoo doesn't say TINY--it says TICONDEROGA NY."

An Indian man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to India on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Indian man hands over the keys and documents of new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank.

He produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.


The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Indian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Indian returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow “$5,000?

The Indian replies:
“Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return’”

Why do men get their great ideas in bed?

Because they are plugged into a genius!

Two Italian guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick.

The driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, “Why’d you do that?

The trooper says, “You’re in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you’ll have your license ready.”

Driver says, “I’m sorry, officer, I’m not from around here.”

The trooper runs a check on the guy’s license, and he’s clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.

The passenger says, “What’d you do that for?”

The cop says, “Just making your wishes come true.” The passenger says, “Huh?”

The cop says, “I know that two miles down the road you’re gonna say, ‘I wish that guy would’ve tried that crap with me!

Big Lorenzo, an Italian fella, is bragging to his friends about his sons: “I’ma so prouda my oldest son. He maka fifty thousand dollar evra year. Hesa Engineer!”

“I even more prouda ma second son. He maka five hundred thousand dollar a year.
Hesa Doctor!”

“But, I’ma da proudest a ma youngest son. He maka Five million dollar a year.
Hesa Sports Mechanic!”

Paolo, his friend asks: “What’s a Sports Mechanic?”

Lorenzo replies: “Wella, he can fixa everytin. He fixa da horseraces, he fixa da boxin matcha…….”

The romantic

An elderly couple just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
 
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.  She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
 
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears.  I love you."
 
The husband texted back to her:  "I'm on the toilet.  Please advise."

Ha ha ha ha!!!




TIS

Yo momma is so fat... The doctor diagnosed her with a skin eating
bacteria but gave her 15 years to live.

Yo momma is so fat...when she wears high heels, she strikes oil every step.

Yo mommas ass is so fat it has its own zip code

A couple decided to go to the movies to celebrate a romantic Saturday evening. When they had sat down in the theater just before the movie would start, the man asked the excited woman:

- Honey, is your seat comfortable?
- Oh yeah, she replied.
- Do you have a perfect view, baby? he asked
- Yes dear, it´s perfect.
- Do you have enough room for your sweet litlle feet to wiggle with?
- Oh yeah. There´s plenty of space.
- And how about the guy who sits next to you. Does he smell?
- No he doesn´t. Thanks for your concern though. I´m fine.
- Would you mind switching seats with me?

A friend of mine is half Black and half Japanese. Every December 7th,he attacks Pearl Bailey.

This made me laugh. Ladies, is this you???

Haven't we all known a woman (or man for that matter) who would probably fit in that category. Ha ha

TIS

In church last Sunday, I heard a sweet elderly lady in the pew
next to me saying a prayer. It was so innocent and sincere that
I just had to share it with you:
" Dear Lord: The last year has been very tough.
You have taken my favorite actor - James Garner;
my favorite actress - Lauren Bacall;
my favorite Comedian - Robin Williams,
and finally, my favorite author -Tom Clancy.
I just wanted you to know that my favorite politicians are -
Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid.
Amen"

A joke from my youngest son!!

What is a cannibals favourite party game?

Swallow the leader!!

Not a joke but amusing ...reality. My 4 year old granddaughter (Callie) was watching Good Morning America with my wife (Gigi). The news story was about the Ukraine and the news lady mentioned the name Vladimir Putin. Callie says to Gigi,"that lady said a bad word". Gigi asked "what word?" Callie answered, "Poopin".