Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it dropped its wallet.

THE WISDOM OF AN OLDER MAN!
An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.

''Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?''

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, ''Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?''

''I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with Boobs like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.''

Here is another:

The Italian Funeral Dog
A Irishman was leaving his favorite Pub when he noticed a most unusual Italian
funeral procession approaching a nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The Irishman couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said:
"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The Italian man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A very poignant and touching moment of Irish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two
men.
The Irishman then asked, "Can I borrow the dog?"
The Italian man replied, "Get in line."

Hilarious

Speaking of Boobs...a female bartender told me this one after I I had two martinis and switched to wine. Why are martinis like a woman's breasts? One is not enough, three are too many, and two are just right.

joke, roger goodall, and the nfl. are a joke right now.

Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."

I told my dad to embrace his mistakes.
He cried. Then he hugged my sister & me.

Ha ha ha!! Good one!!



TIS

Man takes his goldfish to the vets and tells the vet that his fish keeps fitting. The vet observes the fish swimming around its bowl for a few minutes before declaring the fish seems perfectly fine to him!!

"Hang on a moment" says the guy. "I haven't taken it out of its bowl yet!!"

What an interesting turn of events in Mt. Vernon , Texas ...Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.

Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand re-opening when lightning struck the brothel and burned it to the ground!

After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer." But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all a load of bull crap."

What do you call a guy who never farts in public?

A private tutor.

Not necessarily a "joke" but this is funny.

What it would look like if women cat called men.


http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/09/29/if-women-catcalled-men-buzzfeed_n_5901826.html



TIS

WARNING - OFF COLOR; DON'T PLAY IF YOU HAVE KIDS NEARBY


CLICK HERE

(Turn up your volume)

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha


That is hilarious.



TIS

A man is sitting at the bar, despondent that his wife left him. As he's drinking, he sees an attractive woman at the end of the bar, equally depressed.

He strikes up a conversation with the woman to find out what is wrong.

"My boyfriend left me because he thought I was too kinky," she says.

"Well, that's odd. My wife just left me because she thought I was too kinky," he says.

As they drink their drinks, the woman figures what the hell.

"We seem to have a mutual interest, and we're both consenting adults. Why don't you come back to my place to have a little fun?"

They go to her house, and she excuses herself to change into something a little more comfortable. She comes back into the living room, dressed in a PVC dress, whip and cuffs in hand with platform boots, and the man is putting his jacket on getting ready to leave.

"Wait! Didn't you want to have some kinky fun?," she asks.

"I did. I fucked your dog, I shit in your purse. I'm outta here."

Perfect! Just perfect!


Signor V.

That was a good one SC!

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.
The priest asked, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?
Yes, Father it is.
And who was the woman you were with?
I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.
Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so
you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?
I cannot say.
Was it Teresa Volpe?
I'll never tell.
Was it Nina Capeli?
I'm sorry but I cannot name her.
Was it Cathy Piriano?
My lips are sealed.
Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?
Please, Father, I cannot tell you.
The priest sighs in frustration. You're very tight lipped,
Johnny and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot attend church services for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself. Johnny walks back to his pew , and his friend Nino slides over
and whispers, What'd you get?

Four months vacation and five good leads.

Ha ha ha ha!!! That's a good one!!




TIS

Good One

A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde who waves at him and says hello. He's rather taken back, because he can't place where he knows her from, so he asks,

"Do you know me?"

To which she replies,

"I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now he thinks back to the only time he has been unfaithful to his wife and says, "Oh my god, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my friends watching, while your partner whipped me with wet celery and then stuck a carrot in my bum?"

She replies

"No, I'm your son's maths teacher."

Ha ha ha ha ha!! Oops!!



TIS

Paddy and Murphy go for a day of fishing, but when they get to the bridge they realize they have forgotten their equipment. So Murphy comes up with an idea. “Paddy you hold me by the ankles over the bridge and when I see a fish I’ll grab it” so Paddy hangs him over the side. All of a sudden Murphy shouts “Paddy, pull me up quick” Paddy asks “why Murphy, have you caught a fish?” “no Paddy” Murphy replies “there’s a train coming”

Three macho mice are sitting at a bar discussing just how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says: "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it 20 to 30 times." And, with that, he slams another shot.
The second mouse slams a shot and says: "That's nothing. I take those poison bait tablets, cut them up, and snort them, just for the fun of it." And, with that, he slams another shot.
The third mouse slams a shot, gets up, and turns to walk away.
"Where the hell do you think you're going?" ask his friends.

The third mouse stops and replies: "I'm going home to fuck the cat."

Woman goes to see the doctor and complains of green marks on the top of the inside of her thighs, next to her vagina. Doc has a look and asks her if by any chance she is married to a gipsy? "Why yes I am" the lady replies.

"Please tell him his earrings aren't made of real gold" the doc says!!

Guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but a layer of saran wrap around his body.

The doctor says "I can clearly see your nuts."

Related -

Confucius say Man who put hand in pocket feel crazy. Man who put hand in pocket with hole in pocket feel nuts.