Two jewish guys, Ami and Imi, are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then, Ami turns to the Imi and hands him a bill. "Here's that $20 I owe you," he says.

Two nuns are walking down an alley at night.
Two guys jump out and start raping them.
The first nun looks to heaven and says "forgive them father, for they not what they are doing"
The second nun looks up and says "this one does!"

Priest and Rabbi have been pals for 25 years. One night, in boozy good fellowship, the priest says to the Rabbi, "Old friend, did you ever once, as a young and foolish boy, before you were ordained, partake of the taste of ham?" Rabbi blushes and says, "Yes, once, as a young and foolish boy, before I was ordained, I did partake of the taste of ham."

Then he says, "Tell me, Father, did you ever, once, as a young and foolish boy, before you took your vows, have a woman?" Priest blushes very deeply and says, "Yes, once, as a young and foolish boy, before I took my vows, I did have a woman."

Rabbi smiles and replies: "Sure beats ham, doesn't it?"

Guy walks into a bar and starts talking to the bar tender. The man says, "I just found out today that my oldest son is gay!"

The bartender replies, "Gee that's terrible. I'll give you a drink on the house."

The next day, the same man walks into the bar again looking even more depressed. The bartender says "what's up?".

The man replies, "I just found out today that my youngest son is gay!"

The bar tender replies, "Gee that's awful. I'll give you another drink on the house." The man drinks the drink and then walks out.

The following day, the same man comes into the bar in a really bad shape. The bartender asks, "My God man, what happened to you?"

The man replies, "I just found out that my middle son is gay!"

The bar tender replies, "Gee that's awful. I'll give you another drink on the house." The man drinks the drink and then walks out.

The next day the guy comes back into the bar, looking even worse. Says to the bartender "I got more bad news today"

The bartender says "You poor guy, doesn't anybody in your family like pussy?"

The man says "Yeah, my daughter!"

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."

Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle. As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. "Turn the lake into beer," he says. The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, "So what do you think?" The other guy says, "You jerk. Now we've got to piss in the boat."

A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can't be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is. "I promised not to tell!" he says. "Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher's daughter?" the preist asks. "No, and I said I wouldn't tell." "Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer's daughter?" "No, and I still won't tell!" 'Was it Mary Francis, the baker's daughter?" "No," says the boy. 'Well, son," says the priest, "I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months." Outside, the boy's friends ask what happened. "Well," he says, "I got six months, but three good leads."

Why don't Italians like Jehovah Witnesses?

They don't like any witnesses.

Italian went out in costume on Halloween he went as a fun ghoul.

These last three were really good.

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box." The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied,
"Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!"

Husband takes the wife to a disco. There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." Husband says: "Looks like he’s still fucking celebrating!!"

Ha ha ha ha!! That's hilarious.


TIS

Pierre the Lumberjack had come to the end of logging season. Now that he had gotten his pay he was ready for a good time at the nearest brothel.

"Listen," he said to the Madam, "I want the roughest, toughest girl you have in your establishment, understand? And I want some beer!"

The Madam said she could accommodate him and told him to wait in a room upstairs. Pierre went to the room, took off his clothes and stretched out on the bed to await the lady.

A few minutes later, in walks the biggest, most frightening looking woman Pierre had ever seen, carrying two bottles of beer. Without saying a word, she puts the beers on the nightstand, strips off all her clothing, gets down on her knees and bends backwards with her legs spread wide.

"No, no," said Pierre, shaking his head, "In the bed, the regular way!"

"Suit yourself," she replied, "I just thought you might want to open those beers first!"

A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw."

From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"

"Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."

"You tightwad!" blurts the spectator.

"Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."

"You cheap son of a... " the spectator starts to shout.

The judge thunders back, " I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?"

"I've lived next to that lying bastard for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?"

Two astronauts on the moon see a dead women's body one says to the other it's Alice. Ralph the bus drivers wife he really did it.

How do you make holy water?
Answer: boil the hell out of it!

What's the difference between a new prostitute and an old one?
Answer: the polygrip!

What does line dancing smell like at the old folks home?
Answer: Depends!

An Italian man was having an affair with his neighbor. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the neighbor a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replied, " Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses."

Not knowing what else to do, the neighbor took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by, and then one day the Italian man's wife called him at the office and said,

"Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."

The Italian man said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening the Italian man came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack.

Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. One of the medics stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife told the medic that she handed her husband a post card he received from Italy.



The card said, "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti...Two with sausage and meatballs; two without."

Guy #1 is sitting at the bar of the Rainbow Room on the 50th floor of 30 Rockefeller Plaza when he notices Guy #2 gulping down five beers. #2 then goes to the balcony and jumps off. But, a few minutes later, #2 steps off the elevator, goes back to the bar, gulps five more beers--and does it again. Finally, Guy #1 asks #2 how he does it.

"Simple," he says. "The bubbles in the beer give you nice lift. You glide right down and make a soft landing." Guy #1 is convinced. He orders five beers, gulps them down, goes to the balcony, steps off--and SPLAT!

Bartender turns to Guy #2 and says, "You know, you can be such an asshole when you're drunk, Superman."

Ha ha ha ha ha!!!



TIS

Q. How can you tell when a virgin is walking across Old Market Square?
A. You will hear a roar from the Council House Lions.

Breast Enlargement the Easy Way

A flat-chested young lady went to a popular surgeon known for "no scars" about enlarging her breasts.

To her shock, Dr. Cutter advised her, "Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!" He guaranteed success and, figuring she had nothing to lose, she did what he told her to do faithfully for several weeks.

To her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said quietly, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

She apparently didn't say it quietly enough, though, since a man sitting nearby looked at her and asked "Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. Cutter?"

"Yes I am," she said, a bit embarrassed. "How did you know?"

He winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.

"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.

There was silence, and then the masochist said: "Meow."

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

A guy flashed two old ladies sitting at a bus stop. One of the ladies got a stroke. The other couldn't reach.

I drove past a kosher pizza place this morning called --- JEWseppe's. Like Giuseppe's. Perfect!

There is actually a place named JEWseppe's

The Jewish man said, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat), we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end!"

The Frenchman boasted, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes!"

The Italian man said, "Well, last week my wife and I also had sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil. We made love, and she screamed for over six hours!"

The other two were stunned. The amazed Frenchman asked, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?"

The Italian man said, "I wiped my hands on the bedspread...."